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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my DH sounds like an dick

230 replies

SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 09:55

Opinions on this conversation pls. We live in a small old scruffy cottage and have 2 small kids

I commented to DH that restoration isn't so much of a joy when you have to work full time and you've got kids (inspired by a thread on here i was reading this morning) and that isn't it frustrating our cottage is still so scruffy and broken even though we've been here 3 years.

He said "ah well that's the thing about feminism innit. Women want to work but guess what there isn't enough time to make a nice home too"

I said "well it's more that most couples both need to work these days to pay the bills"

He said "sure of course but just odd all these women stressing that they want perfect homes, following restoration accounts and Mrs hinch on Instagram. But no woman has time to do any of it so just make you all feel guilty. It's almost like it was a good idea to have someone stay at home because guess what making a beautiful home is a full time job and adding restoration on top of it - it's impossible"

And I said "but men could stay home if they wanted"

He said "but we don't want to really. You were the ones that wanted to change the model and set up and then you're all stressing out you don't have time to do it all"

He then started saying

"Oh course there is a theory that the Rockefella family made feminism a success just to get 50% of the working people working their arse off and paying tax. And women fell for it"

Does he sound like a dick? It really wound me up but he insists whats he's saying is just logical.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 24/02/2023 14:14

@squinker45

Even in your scenario it's not feminism to blame. It's men.

So, no he's not correct. Its not the result of feminism.

Im not required to work full time and be the only home maker either

Original poster
SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 14:20

I actually love this thread. Thank you for distracting me from my work all day.

Couple of clarifications:

  1. He does care about having a nice home but not enough to do anything about it - no decorating, no cleaning. He's messy but wants a clean house.

  2. Please stop blaming me for marrying him. I don't understand this at all. As we got married, a mortgage and kids he has got more traditional and he gets irritated when questioned. But I shouldn't have to defend that decision. I fell in love with the man. I don't know if I still love him. This happens a lot. It's literally 50% of this bloody website.

  3. I'm not leaving him because of one conversation. Of course there is a bigger picture as there is with all marriages. Every conversation happens in context.

    It's the way he rants at me and rolls his eyes if i disagree. But also lots of splits have the straw that broke the camel's back moments.....When you look at someone eating their cornflakes banging on about the problems with feminism - and you just think GOD I WISH YOU'D FUCK OFF FOREVER.

And then you come on mumsnet and try and work out if you've lost your mind.

OP posts:
mewkins · 24/02/2023 14:20

cherry2727 · 24/02/2023 14:11

I can't see the problem with what he said? Women want a beautiful home and want to be working full time - very difficult to juggle .
Why should he have to stay home? He isn't the one moaning about having a beautiful home!!

The house needs renovating. If either one of them gave up their job I very much doubt that the renovations would happen any quicker.

LetMeSleepPleasex2 · 24/02/2023 14:25

It's the way he rants at me and rolls his eyes if i disagree. But also lots of splits have the straw that broke the camel's back moments.....When you look at someone eating their cornflakes banging on about the problems with feminism - and you just think GOD I WISH YOU'D FUCK OFF FOREVER.

Really sounds like your marriage is over, op. You don’t need anyone else’s views on the negative externalities of feminism to decide that.

lazycats · 24/02/2023 14:30

He does care about having a nice home but not enough to do anything about it - no decorating, no cleaning. He's messy but wants a clean house.

I would have included this in the opening post, because it's pretty pertient and damning. If the renovations were as much his idea yet he'll do nothing about it then the feminism complainsts are even more ridiculous.

Malvasylvestris · 24/02/2023 14:32

I think thinking about leaving is a bit drastic.

As a pp has said, can you have a proper discussion about it rather than letting it fester? Speak up about how you feel, he won't know otherwise.

I often have disagreements with my husband but eventually we come to a realisation that our values aren't polar opposites after all. I like to think I've played the long game and changed his mind on certain things.

ManateeFair · 24/02/2023 14:32

He doesn't just sound like a dick. He IS a dick. I'd find him completely tedious and unbearable.

I assume his contrarian, sexist bullshit isn't a new development, though.

mewkins · 24/02/2023 14:33

SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 14:20

I actually love this thread. Thank you for distracting me from my work all day.

Couple of clarifications:

  1. He does care about having a nice home but not enough to do anything about it - no decorating, no cleaning. He's messy but wants a clean house.

  2. Please stop blaming me for marrying him. I don't understand this at all. As we got married, a mortgage and kids he has got more traditional and he gets irritated when questioned. But I shouldn't have to defend that decision. I fell in love with the man. I don't know if I still love him. This happens a lot. It's literally 50% of this bloody website.

  3. I'm not leaving him because of one conversation. Of course there is a bigger picture as there is with all marriages. Every conversation happens in context.

    It's the way he rants at me and rolls his eyes if i disagree. But also lots of splits have the straw that broke the camel's back moments.....When you look at someone eating their cornflakes banging on about the problems with feminism - and you just think GOD I WISH YOU'D FUCK OFF FOREVER.

And then you come on mumsnet and try and work out if you've lost your mind.

Absolutely. People change over time, become more set in their ways sometimes, or formulate odd opinions as a backlash to wider society (see 'anti woke' BS etc).

Also I think we become less tolerant the longer we have to put up with laziness etc.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 24/02/2023 14:33

LookingOldTheseDays · 24/02/2023 10:16

When was this fictional past time when women didn't work?

Working class women have always worked. They've always had to.

Absolutely. And it's not like this is an obscure piece of information either. A husband with such poor historical knowledge would dry my fanny right up.

Malvasylvestris · 24/02/2023 14:34

Wow just read about how he treats you if you disagree with him...he doesn't respect you and that's a good reason to leave

ThinkingOfAWittyUsername · 24/02/2023 14:50

He's not quite at Andrew Tate level but I have to say that the attitude of misogyny would make me question other conversations I might have had with him in the past. Has he had these sorts of views often?

Lillygolightly · 24/02/2023 14:51

This is why I said the below paragraph OP, as women being blamed for men being or becoming crap really winds me up! As if you were to know that many years, marriage, house and kids down the line that he would say these things! 🙄

I also absolutely hate that the responsibility is placed on the shoulders of the woman to pick a good man/father, why is a good man/father the exception and not just the rule! This sentiment assumes as we all have some crystal ball that tells us that the seemingly wonderful boyfriend will turn out to be a wonderful father and husband who shares the load equally and who will still be supportive of your career even when it impacts his own because of childcare or whatever. Far to many women have fallen into that particular trap, because let’s face it it’s pretty bloody easy to be all equal when there is only 2 of you, but somehow when a baby/children enter the mix then this seems to go out the window. Then what are the woman’s choices when the wonderful boyfriend turns out to be a crap husband/father 1) be a single mother and do it all alone, or 2) stay together and just do most of it alone. It’s really not hard to understand why so many women feel trapped or stay in crap relationships.

HoodieBell · 24/02/2023 14:51

I think he's forgetting that it wasn't part of a woman's job to renovate or decorate a home, you'd get a little man in to do that. And if you were wealthy enough to afford to buy a house, you would have at least had a maid. Does he earn enough money for this? Sounds like he needs to get his act together.

ivykaty44 · 24/02/2023 15:13

Does he resent you? Could that be why his view has changed?

Original poster
SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 15:20

People saying about conspiracy theories...I had never heard of the rockefella thing before todat but he often presents things to me saying things like

"Pretty persuasive theory that vaccines aren't really effective"

So presents things not as believing them but interesting. He doesn't like to get into them with me. More talk at me about it and then not discuss further.

But yeah I think he watches some dodgy stuff

OP posts:
WineCap · 24/02/2023 15:20

I didn't read what your DH said as expecting you to stay at home at all. I understood it as:

1.) A lot more women than men are into interior design and put pressure on themselves to have a perfect home and that makes them feel guilty.

2.) Women that work have less time to decorate a house like they have in the past.

I think when you look at the average single man's home it is either very minimal and functional or a complete state. They generally don't care as much about making a living space look good - even if they mildly enjoy living in a nicely decorated house.

Essentially, I read it as 'it's hard to have everything in life'.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 24/02/2023 15:27

Nope. You’ve not lost your mind. His argument is a bin-fire of misogyny and entitlement and I really want to write 1000 words on why, but there’s enough on here already and everyone knows what feminism was for.

About his behaviour and your feelings on it; a benign theory would be DH is maybe feeling challenged or undermined by his life - the ‘feminism caused my life’ gotcha argument and ‘woke’ grumbling etc. Maybe he’s caught hold of some MRA arguments and they sounded plausible. He speaks like he’s been listening to Jordan Peterson (the Rockefeller thing is something I’ve heard mentioned by MRAs). Or maybe he’s just read some stuff online. Fairly juvenile because he’s not looking at what’s happening in his own home.

Although DH has made one good point insofar as you do seem to be getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop at the moment, hasn’t he also got some big ol’ balls on him by using feminism to bait the female primary earner and doer of housework?!

There’s a certain irony that someone who’s apparently sufficiently ‘well-informed’ to argue that feminism was part of an economic conspiracy to further oppress the working class can’t also see precisely WHY we needed feminism, never mind the very clear evidence of all the good feminism has done for him 🤨

Original poster
SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 15:33

@WineCap he definitely watchstraps Jordan Peterson because every video recommendation on the shared computer is him or him talking to someone else. Sometimes I overhear stuff and say "what a bellend are you watching on YouTube now" and he usually turns it down. He doesn't want me to know all the stuff he watches

When I say how tired I am from working full time with two under 4 he will make a joke about "this is what you lot wanted".

As you say though we would have to sell the house if I gave up work. Whereas actually if he gave up work I could just about cover it all. Just.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 24/02/2023 16:11

curious As to how he treats the other women in his life- mum, sister, colleagues, friends etc.

LookItsMeAgain · 24/02/2023 16:12

SandroSandra · 24/02/2023 10:11

I told him he sounded sexist.

He said "I'm not blaming women. I'm just saying that two people working full time with kids doesn't leave enough time to restore or redecorate or do much of anything really and there is a reason we used to have on person at home. Not about it being women. I'm just being logical"

Aww....that's nice that he sees the role of women is to decorate the world.

Now, here's a frying pan. Give him a good smack around the head with it. Perhaps he'll wake up and realise that he's living in 2023 and not 1823!!!!

He's a humongous knob there @SandroSandra. The question is what are you going to do about it?

Mark19735 · 24/02/2023 16:12

If you don't value whatever it is that he contributes, then of course you are going to be dissatisfied. If you think there are better candidates out there, leave him and find one. Or if you think you'd be better off alone, leave him and find out. But if you are just miffed that there is asymmetry in earning ability and a difference of priorities in terms of chores and housework, then newsflash! that's what a marriage usually is. No-one bats an eyelid when a man earns more than a women. All marriages involve compromises over what projects should be prioritised. It sounds like he doesn't think doing up a scruffy cottage is a high priority. Instead of moaning about him on MN, take the bull by the horns and sort it out - make him realise it's high on yours and negotiate an outcome that you can both live with. You're avoiding the issues ... and blaming him for your weakness. It's your dissatisfaction, not his ... so own it and be honest about what matters to you, and make it happen.

LexMitior · 24/02/2023 16:15

Yes of course he sounds like a dick. He means to

Mischance · 24/02/2023 16:28

When I say how tired I am from working full time with two under 4 he will make a joke about "this is what you lot wanted".

That is unacceptable.

A recognition that it is challenging to both of you to have both paid work and care responsibilities and that you need to work this put together is fine. "This is what you lot wanted" is out of order. Jokily or not, it shows a total absence of a sense of partnership.

Botw1 · 24/02/2023 16:30

You lot?

Didn't he say men didn't want to stay home either?

So why is it you lot?

Kennykenkencat · 24/02/2023 16:34

Mischance · 24/02/2023 16:28

When I say how tired I am from working full time with two under 4 he will make a joke about "this is what you lot wanted".

That is unacceptable.

A recognition that it is challenging to both of you to have both paid work and care responsibilities and that you need to work this put together is fine. "This is what you lot wanted" is out of order. Jokily or not, it shows a total absence of a sense of partnership.

We might have wanted equality but that meant sharing the childcare and household stuff. If he can’t do that there is no point in him being there