AIBU to think my DH sounds like an dick

[SandroSandra]

Opinions on this conversation pls. We live in a small old scruffy cottage and have 2 small kids

I commented to DH that restoration isn't so much of a joy when you have to work full time and you've got kids (inspired by a thread on here i was reading this morning) and that isn't it frustrating our cottage is still so scruffy and broken even though we've been here 3 years.

He said "ah well that's the thing about feminism innit. Women want to work but guess what there isn't enough time to make a nice home too"

I said "well it's more that most couples both need to work these days to pay the bills"

He said "sure of course but just odd all these women stressing that they want perfect homes, following restoration accounts and Mrs hinch on Instagram. But no woman has time to do any of it so just make you all feel guilty. It's almost like it was a good idea to have someone stay at home because guess what making a beautiful home is a full time job and adding restoration on top of it - it's impossible"

And I said "but men could stay home if they wanted"

He said "but we don't want to really. You were the ones that wanted to change the model and set up and then you're all stressing out you don't have time to do it all"

He then started saying

"Oh course there is a theory that the Rockefella family made feminism a success just to get 50% of the working people working their arse off and paying tax. And women fell for it"

Does he sound like a dick? It really wound me up but he insists whats he's saying is just logical.

I find this 'story' that men can't clean and live in horrible, dirty flats, really odd. None of the men I know are like that. My father was born in the 1930s and he cooked and cleaned. He also regularly redecorated, built furniture, etc.

It's actually fairly new to pretend men are hopeless, dirty, can't decorate. Men like that wouldn't have lasted two seconds in the army and until the 1960s we had national service - another place where men couldn't live in squalor and needed to know how to clean and cook.

He's right in some ways- we can't do it all.
But I think the problem is that he is saying feminism is the problem. The problem i believe is that we still don't really have equality except on paper.

So women do have it shit. Because

• if the house is messy they are judged for it.
• it is never assumed the man should give up work for the childcare.
• we're expected to have careers as well and judged if we do give up work to look after children.

So yes- because we are now expected to work, be primary carer, be in charge of housework (even with requests to partners to help us, still in charge) and carry it all its virtually impossible.

Where he is being a dick is suggesting that its a choice to have those things on our shoulders. If we both work the other things should also be shared across.
What it sounds like he's saying is he doesn't care if the house is messy. It's only you that does. And that's the fault of feminism.

Same. The men I know (of all ages) value having a clean, comfortable living environment.

tell him that was predicated on one person (usually the man) being a big enough earner to afford one person to stay home and do the renovations.

if he likes it so much maybe he should get his money up... then you could even afford a project manager for the renovation ;)

he's being an arrogant twat. its always men who aren't fulfilling their part of the patriarchal bargain who have these stupid ideas, feminism this and that and all the other. Can you afford to run a home on your one salary and we have the same quality of life? or would you be working yourself into an early grave.

idiot.

We might be working in more professional jobs but we certainly aren't being paid as much as the men are. I hear that pay gap is getting smaller so there's hope I guess.

In the meantime, women are still getting screwed over.

So feminism has prevented your cottage from being renovated 🤔 Traditionally it was the man’s role to do restoration work on a house. So even if you were at home f/t you would still have a building project needing a man to complete this.

How do other people manage to renovate a property when both work full time and have children? I’ve seen a young couple on YouTube renovate a house in their spare time (they have children who go to relatives). Granted it’s not easy. Or I guess you pay for renovators and do it room by room whilst you’re all out at work.

@Hooklander

"You have got good recall I say that",😄😁

Total dick.

@Blossomtoes

That is the fault of capitalism. Not feminism

Of course women want to work. They always have. Having a vagina doesn't prevent having a work ethic

This IS the crux of it. There is truth in some of what he says - something does have to give, people (generally women!) are under pressure to keep a perfect home like all the instamums with greige and chrome polished to perfection on every surface. But they are also expected to work and being in an income. And do instagram worthy activities with their perfectly polite, well-behaved children. And keeping a home immaculate to those standards IS a full time job. And people do feel guilty that they can’t do it.

However, the fact he assumes it should be the woman who does it is the problem. And in your situation, it makes NO sense that it should be you, since you earn more and therefore you are contributing more to the house financially; so it makes sense that if anyone was to take on the homemaker role, it should be him.

It all comes down to if he would be willing to be the one to maintain the home while you worked.

He is almost victim blaming and washing his hands of any responsibility.

Not surprised you are pissed off, it is incredibly dismissive.

Pay someone to do some stuff around the house, preferably a man to do 'man stuff' that might prompt him to feel some responsibility and embarassment.

Ask him who he’s sitting next to in the office. It doesn’t sound like he does much thinking really. I mean the world was probably more comfortable when we had serfs or slavers (for the boss) but he’s not seriously suggesting it was better for everyone?

Ask him to use his big boy brain and google “women’s rights timeline” and see if he fancies living without any of them.

I just say " Don't worry. I'll get a man in" 😏

Sorry but the guy is an utter twat. I don’t know how old you are ,but my husband is 57 ,im 55 and a stay at home wife and he would never in a million years say anything like that to me.The world has moved on.

I think the issue isn’t feminism or his politics, it’s his ego, he feels emasculated that you earn more than him and he is punishing you for his insecurities.
That is not a partner, that is an adversary. A partner would be glad for your financial success, after all you are a team and you both benefit from it,that’s what marriage should be. Except right now he’s not on your team is he?
He doesn’t acknowledge your efforts and he should have empathy as you are both working and dealing with children and a home, but he doesn’t, he punishes you for it.
The question is,do you love him? Because I’m not getting that impression from you , you can work through things if you both love each other but if not, well staying in an unhappy,unloving marriage benefits no one.
Maybe he’s just taking out his frustrations,tiredness work worries etc on you, but he needs a sharp reality check to know just how seriously his attitude is affecting you.
Sit him down and tell him straight that you are thinking of leaving him , if he wants it to work then he’ll be prepared to put in effort,counselling etc. But you really want to figure out what you want.

🤣🤣 women didn’t work 🤦‍♀️ my mother was a housewife through the 50’s/60’s/70’s. She started work at 3am so that she was home by the time we should be up for school.

Ignoring gender, what is wrong with one person working and the other staying at home, especially if you are wanting to take on a building project and start a family?

Is he of the opinion that both people in a relationship should work? Or that if you can afford it, only the highest earner should work? And is that sexist becasue you are the highest earner? Or is the sexist thing that he made reference to th Rockefeller family (which was documented)?

I see no reason why in any family both partners should work if one partner earns sufficiently to achieve their life goals and the other partner could best use their time in more meaningful pursuits.

Clearly he has a view of life you cannot abide. So leave. You both will make eachother miserable, and taking on a projecy like a home restoration is not something either of you are cut out for. If you can't see eye to eye on the structure of your relationship, or the values of your partnership, what chance in hell do you have of agreeing on kitchen flooring or pot plants? Especially if one of you is ponying up the bulk of the money and the other is sitting on their arse with catalogues and samples spending their money?

@SimplySeb

Except he's not ignoring gender /sex, is he?

And I'm presuming both people work because they want to?

Isn’t the point that if you both work, you pay for handymen and cleaners etc

If he is talking about a time when women weren’t working and were the sahp, (not that there ever was a time when all
women didn’t work) Then he needs to realise that whilst a woman’s job was to keep the house clean, look after children and cook the food. The man’s job was to do all the diy and gardening etc.

It sounds like he has some sort of disconnect between the house repair and it being 50% his responsibility .

Women never wanted to do it all but wanted the equality in order to share the responsibilities
The fact that some men step away completely and hand all responsibility over to the woman is just the sign of a lazy man.

Lots of couples and single parents renovate their homes You have to ask yourself what is holding you back

@cigarettesNalcohol
The women's rights main movement started ten years before it became illegal to sell your wife, we were goods and chattel, read the Mayor of Casterbridge. That was the 18'00s. We had the same status as slaves and could be beaten, raped, imprisoned, our children taken off us etc by our husbands. Women, wanted their slavery to end. Like a lot of white people,en didn't want that change. We don't accept racism, sexism should be treated the same.
When the men returned from war, women were made unemployed. There was a massive agenda to create the ideal housewife. Putting women on cocaine based medicine and benzodiazepines, helped. Women wasn't better at making a home nice previously. There was pride in being clean, but men took pride in the living conditions they could provide. The 'women didn't work and were homemakers' was the lie. That was post war, previously a house had been functional. The Church and listening to the previous generation, held us back and stopped us rejecting wife work. Likewise we were let down by government and still are re maintenance etc.

He's an idiot. At best he's not very bright. The problem isn't feminism, it's that feminism hasn't gone far enough yet. We've got as far as mother's going out to work being perfectly acceptable and common place but we still make them responsible for home making. And he clearly thinks you are responsible for home making despite being the main breadwinner. You say yourself if he was a sahp he wouldn't take any responsibility for the home.
The solution isn't women returning to the home, it's men taking equal responsibility in the home.

Lots of couples and single parents renovate their homes You have to ask yourself what is holding you back

Good point. Do you actually want to leave, and there's no point anymore to renovating?

It’s a combination of both. Some women want to work, some don’t. I had a fulfilling and satisfying career that paid well so obviously I wanted to work. If I’d had job that was boring and tedious I’d have been desperate not to. And since I stopped I can say hand on heart that, much as I enjoyed it, I don’t miss it a bit.

The thing is that work outside the home has turned into some kind of holy grail. That can be laid fairly and squarely at the door of feminism which insists that it’s the only way for a woman to have a meaningful existence.

I mean, if anything, the fact that both of you work and are earning money should make the house renovations quicker and easier, not more difficult. It sounds like he's finding excuses for things not progressing.

Seems to me there's a lot mor to this OP. You've mentioned more than once seriously thinking about leaving him. Thoughts like that don't arise out of one single conversation such as the one you've relayed. It's hard not to assume there are a fair few other cracks in this relationship that you might want to reflect more on. You only get one life. Marriage does take effort and compromise so shouldn't just be abandoned on a whim but, equally, nobody should resign themselves to a lifetime of unhappiness either.

@Blossomtoes

No it's definitely just the fault of capitalism.

Women having equal rights(they don't) to men isn't to blame for inflation

Funny that you think working is seen as the holy grail when all I see is the opposite

But only for women, natch.

Men can have a meaningful existence whatever they do.