AIBU to think my DH sounds like an dick

[SandroSandra]

Opinions on this conversation pls. We live in a small old scruffy cottage and have 2 small kids

I commented to DH that restoration isn't so much of a joy when you have to work full time and you've got kids (inspired by a thread on here i was reading this morning) and that isn't it frustrating our cottage is still so scruffy and broken even though we've been here 3 years.

He said "ah well that's the thing about feminism innit. Women want to work but guess what there isn't enough time to make a nice home too"

I said "well it's more that most couples both need to work these days to pay the bills"

He said "sure of course but just odd all these women stressing that they want perfect homes, following restoration accounts and Mrs hinch on Instagram. But no woman has time to do any of it so just make you all feel guilty. It's almost like it was a good idea to have someone stay at home because guess what making a beautiful home is a full time job and adding restoration on top of it - it's impossible"

And I said "but men could stay home if they wanted"

He said "but we don't want to really. You were the ones that wanted to change the model and set up and then you're all stressing out you don't have time to do it all"

He then started saying

"Oh course there is a theory that the Rockefella family made feminism a success just to get 50% of the working people working their arse off and paying tax. And women fell for it"

Does he sound like a dick? It really wound me up but he insists whats he's saying is just logical.

I think it is more the asymmetry in thinking ability that is the issue in this case.

Rather than acknowledging the issue (the house) and making a list or project plan together he has decided that a more productive tactic is to spout a lot of misogynistic crap and blame feminism. It's an interesting tactic.

But as soon as you use the term 'you lot' (meaning 50% of the population presumably) you have lost the argument and the respect of the other person.

Now to be fair the model that my parents generation lived by was that women did babies, cooking, cleaning, all housework and tellingly) all home admin: so although they were given housekeeping money tather than working outside the home themselves they paid the bills and ordered the deliveries , ran the family calendar and remembered MiLs birthday card etc etc.
Men worked outside the home and then did garden and DIY at the weekends or paid a tradesman if they didn't want to do it. Women could spend their free time pottering in the rose garden but the kitchen garden and lawns were maintained by the man. This was seen as a well oiled machine and both roles were well defined.

When more women started working outside the home the men didn't pick up the slack with all the home stuff, therefore many competent women were not able to bridge the pay gap because they were effectively doing two jobs.

Then some men started complaining that their wives wanted maintenance on divorce because ' they should have had a job not been the home manager' even though that had long been the unspoken contract between them.

So now we have a situation where most women are still the primary house/family manager, also work outside the home, and the men ( or at least my DH and the OPs DH) don't do the DIY or mowing.

In short OP, yes, he sounds like an dick.

You're not wrong, two busy people keeping plates spinning can go to different places in their world views. I imagine it's maybe been a slow creep for him to get here, but you've been getting on with running a home and having a career and then when you get a moment to take a breath, you look up and realise where he's gone, or at least heading.

Do you think you've reached the point where whatever he does, it's going to get under your skin, or do you think if you were to have a serious talk with him and he took your views on board, it could be rehabilitated? Not speculating about the how or whether he'd take it on board, just if he did, would that be enough? Because ultimately that's what matters - your perception of the relationship and feelings about him.

Yep, this, we'll have conversations about how exhausted we both are and almost play tiredness top trumps when we're at the end of our tether 'weve just got them in bed and I've still got load the dishwasher and walk the dog' 'yeah well I've still got to tidy round and then she'll be up 14 times looking for me to breastfeed' and because we're a few years in and used to it we'll commiserate the exhaustion with heach other and crack on. Any implications it should all be on me I'd run for the hills

But most men would have done DIY anyway. Entire conversation sounds like a distraction tactic and it’s worked.