To those who didn't want Children by choice?

[girlfriend44]

Families are everywhere. Everyone seems to have Grandchildren which in turn leads to family parties and celebrations and get togethers. You either hear about it or see it on FB.

The world seems to be geared to Families.
If you didn't want children, do you worry about missing out on grandchildren etc?
Everyone seems to have them or am I only seeing the ones that do?
How do you feel about seeing people with children and grandchildren?
Do not wish to disclose my position as like to remain private before anyone asks why I'm asking.

@PandasAreUseless my next-door neighbour a few years ago was in her late nineties and still at home. She had various bits of help like carers and meal delivery but the main source was other neighbours, she had about three retired guys in their late sixties/early seventies who did loads for her including all her paperwork, keyholders for carers etc.
She'd apparently been hugely active in the community for decades and in turn the community cared for her when she needed the help. She got her wish to die at home.

Considering the adversarial mil/dil relationships that seem to be the norm on Mumsnet, I suspect that grandchildren cause more stress and unhappiness than joy.

I am happy I don't have grandchildren. Quite a few friends have grandchildren and moan about feeling obliged to help with childcare.

Friends with older grandchildren moan because the grandchildren so often want to borrow money from them or pester them to buy them trainers, video games etc.

My family quite often have get togethers which I love. One of our nieces has a child who is just over a year old and me and DH love seeing her.

Our other nieces and nephews do not have children and all say they are not going to have any. In our families there are quite a few childfree couples. DH's 2 siblings do not have children. Our brother in law has 2 sisters and 3 brothers all married and none of them have children (we see quite a lot of them all)

I work with young people and families all day, every day.
How do I feel about it? I feel the same as when I interact with any person..theyre just people. It doesn't make me feel anything 🤷‍♀️

I didn’t really make a conscious decision not to have kids, but didn’t meet ‘the person’ and it didn’t happen. I don’t really mind, just enjoy the life I have, but I’m at a stage where a few of my friends are having grandchildren, and I sometimes get a slight twinge about that, knowing I’ll go into older age without a bigger family.

I do have a child but I find the premise of this question odd (and the bias clear, despite what you say).

I love my child dearly and am very happy that she came into my life, but I have never been particularly interested in “families” or having a family. I had a child with a man who was either uninterested in or incapable of having a family in the traditional sense and found great joy in bringing my child up outside of that structure.)

I prefer not to socialise only with other nuclear families. I have no illusion that having had a child is any kind of support to my social life or an insurance policy for old age. Children are their own people, not simply extensions of their parents and certainly not status symbols or props.

Your post assumes that there is a clear divide between “family people” and “non family” people and that the former gravitate towards living in a family setup while the child free shun society.

It’s actually much more fluid than that. Many people have children on their own or outside of the traditional setup and thrive. Other people remain child free by choice but love being part of a family structure.

It’s also not true that there are people who like children and people who don’t. I love my own child and like certain other children I know but I don’t like them generically and I had no interest in them whatsoever before I had them.

I think these sorts of attitudes are a large factor which puts many people off having children; they have no desire to become enmeshed in the whole culture of child rearing and all the judgement that goes with it. Honestly it very nearly stopped me from having a child.

The problem arises when people view childless people as failing to give them something that they feel will make their lives complete, such as grandchildren, despite them not being the ones that have to be pregnant, give birth or raise those children.

Given the sad tone of your post and unwillingness to say who you are in this situation, I’m guessing your child has decided not to have their own children and you feel resentful that you are no longer able to have the related celebrations such as birthdays?

Otherwise, I can’t see your POV at all. You seem to suggest that childless people are lesser within the family and somehow can’t participate properly in ‘family gatherings’. Saying ‘everyone has grandchildren and that leads to family parties’ is odd because adults have plenty of their own things to celebrate such as birthdays, engagements, weddings, promotions, anniversaries, Christmas etc etc. Can you only enjoy yourself with children present?

Not sure if I’m missing something here but YABVU if you seriously think that choosing not to have children deprives the rest of the family of child-centred celebrations. The only thing that matters is whether the couple involved are happy or not. Nobody should have children with other people’s happiness in mind, and far too many do.

Never wanted any, never had any. Most of my friends and acquaintances don’t have any, a couple have grown up ones who do not have children of their own. We have horses!

We all understand what you said. It's just most of us who fall into that camp find the premise of the question short-sighted at best, and at worst, downright insulting.

I could have taken a much less light-hearted tack, and I'm pretty sure you'd have liked that even less than my joke.

My sister had no children by choice, she's perfectly happy with her life, she is 60 and is very active, physically and socially and has a rewarding career.

I have dc but I'm not bothered if I get grandchildren or not. I'd love them if they arrived but not bothered if they don't. I'll have a rewarding life, just like my sister.

Came for penis beaker, stayed for the warm fuzzy feeling the weekly 'why are you even here' posts about child free people give me.
I don't want kids in the same way I don't want to live in the country, jump out of a plane or eat snails. For me those things all seem pretty shit and I hold no interest at all for me, but I absolutely appreciate that other people do like those things. I too do not feel like I'm missing out on parties, facebook or hypothetical grandkids in 30 years time.

I do wish people respected childfree people's choices in the way they respect parents choices to have kids. As per the other childfree thread running at the moment, the barrage of but you'd be a great mum, it's so selfish not to have kids, who'll wipe your arse when you're old, you'll change your mind you know can be as exhasting as it is rude. Likewise I would love a little less focus on 'hardworking families' at times by government. During covid I felt particularly invisible as a childfree person, living alone when a lot of the narrative was about how families were affected.
In short, I am very happy with my choice, I just wish society could be a little happier for me and my childfree homies at times.

It's all personal perspective. I have my heart set on children and have done since I was a child myself, while most of my friends my age aren't interested in having kids at all; I sort of feel like an odd one out. On the other hand, in different circles it's almost expected that people will have kids. Totally depends on your social circles and circumstances, etc.

Fully agree with this, re whether the world is geared for families. The societal message is arguably that having a family is desirable and fulfilling, but the actual provision for real families (women especially) is flimsy to say the least.

I love your comment.

I always bristle when people with kids are automatically described as 'family minded'.
I know plenty of people, my own sister included, who just exist inside their small nuclear family - often with just the one child. They dont care much for extended family, dont visit ageing parents very often, and dont attend family get togethers if they can help it.
And I know childfree people like me and DH who host Christmas and Easter, put the effort in with our parents, and LOVE an extended family knees-up!

This reminds me of an old friend who cannot understand that I don’t like bacon. She thinks I must be depriving myself, missing out, and feel bad about it. Only I don’t like bacon. If I wanted to eat it I would! Most breakfast menus contain a fair bit of bacon yet I still don’t feel as though I am missing out.

It’s different when it’s your own bacon.

It dosent matter what my position is I just wanted to hear people's perspectives.

@girlfriend44 It's a bit sly and seedy to provoke strangers into volunteering their point of view to you without being prepared to reveal your own. A wholly one way transaction on a forum like this makes people feel a bit used and as if the good nature of to-and-fro debate is being abused and sullied.

Unless you are a journalist secretly fishing for content of course which makes it even worse.

Nasty.

Because we heard that you’re here.

Exactly some people are so snappy. I've been accused of being insulting which wasn't the intention. Sorry that it can't be worded the exact way you want it to be. I don't have to disclose my position if I don't want to and you don't have to answer.
I enjoy reading the genuine, pleasant answers and hearing different takes on things but can't be arsed with the snappy ones.
I do also realise that people don't have children to look after them in old age but you ate at an advantage if you have some sons or daughters around.
Who do you trust to be your Power of Attorney should you need one?

It’s different when it’s your own bacon.

Genius. Love this. I have no interest in anyone else's bacon.

Don't have them, never wanted them (I take after my mother who prefers animals to people). And after spending time on mumsnet, I am convinced it's the best decision I ever made! Can't say I've noticed the world being geared towards families either - it seems more the other way to me.

I have no one to leave my estate to which is fine - it can be used to pay for care givers when I get old and infirm. The reminds can go to animal charities so HMRC don't get their mits on it.

My partner is planning on becoming a heroin addict when he's ancient, pissing all his money up the wall that way, then topping himself via dignitas.

😂

Having sons and daughters may be an advantage to some, but I think having sons and daughters can also put you at a disadvantage, especially if they have something to gain. There’s many a thread on here that can attest to that one.

I have no issue with a solicitor being my power of attorney.

Child free. I miss the idea of fun kids events, having someone to give my stuff to when I grow old ect. I guess in my situation I just need to find a good friend with kids so I can enjoy the fun "auntie" part. My moms completely content with furry grandkids!

You won't know what real love is until you've had a bacon sandwich @TulipsTwoLips 😉