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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To those who didn't want Children by choice?

210 replies

girlfriend44 · 23/02/2023 12:43

Families are everywhere. Everyone seems to have Grandchildren which in turn leads to family parties and celebrations and get togethers. You either hear about it or see it on FB.

The world seems to be geared to Families.
If you didn't want children, do you worry about missing out on grandchildren etc?
Everyone seems to have them or am I only seeing the ones that do?
How do you feel about seeing people with children and grandchildren?
Do not wish to disclose my position as like to remain private before anyone asks why I'm asking.

OP posts:
WhatIsSoWrongWithMe · 23/02/2023 13:20

Plumpciousness · 23/02/2023 12:48

Don't have them; never wanted them; don't like them.

'My' world isn't geared towards families. Most of my friends are like me: single and child-free. Many of my (older) cousins are child-free too.

Absolutely this ^

FrostyFifi · 23/02/2023 13:20

If you didn't want children in the first place why on earth would you want grandchildren?

TedMullins · 23/02/2023 13:21

There are many, many topics on Mumsnet beyond ones about children and parenting.

Anyway. I don't really feel or think anything when I see people with children and grandchildren. Sometimes I think 'god I'm glad that isn't me' if the kids are being annoying. When people on social media announce pregnancies, my instinctive reaction is abject terror and I have to remind myself people do it on purpose and are happy about it 😂I felt terror myself when I was accidentally pregnant at 24, knew immediately I wanted an abortion, had one and never regretted it. I'd have another if I found myself in that situation again.

I've never seen children in my future even when I was child myself - from the age of about 5 my image of my future self was an adventurous high-flyer or a popstar or mountaineer and never involved children (or marriage/a husband).

My world personally doesn't 'revolve around families' because only one of my friends has children, the rest don't. I don't mind hanging out with her and her kids but as cute as they can be, it makes me glad I don't have any. All I see is how much they stifle and curtail freedom.

I'm nearly 34 and was recently told I might be starting early perimenopause (runs in my family) and honestly I'd be overjoyed if I lose my fertility early and don't have to worry about pregnancy scares (we use condoms as I can't take hormonal contraception for health reasons but they're not foolproof). I've told my partner that, if I had a last-minute hormonal surge at any point and suddenly feel the 'biological clock' or think I've changed my mind, to lock me in a cupboard til those feelings pass because I'm quite sure I'd bitterly regret having children. Hope that sums it up for you.

JorisBonson · 23/02/2023 13:22

That's your idea of a family. My idea of a family is very different, and doesn't involve children.

Never wanted any, zero regrets. And I'm on Mumsnet to post on non parenting topics!

SofiaSoFar · 23/02/2023 13:23

Do not wish to disclose my position as like to remain private before anyone asks why I'm asking.

But you want everyone else to "disclose" their "position"?

Riiiiiight...

theemmadilemma · 23/02/2023 13:25

I didn't want them, don't enjoy them.

But to answer your question very honestly, I do see families together at times like Christmas on FB, and think ahhh that looks nice.

And it does from the outside if you don't have it.

I attempted to marry into a 'close' (read in each others pockets) family thinking it looked lovely, in reality I hated it. So although those pictures look nice for a second, it's not me and not actually what I want or need. My family love each other dearly, but we don't live in each others pockets - and that's good with me.

CrystalCoco · 23/02/2023 13:25

Why would we care about not having grandchildren if we didn't want children in the first place...

Being childfree doesn't mean there are zero children in our lives, just means we're not rearing / responsible for them.

Dacadactyl · 23/02/2023 13:26

@CrystalCoco I think that's what people mean when they say "will you mind not being GPs", because it's a different relationship and GPs get the fun bits.

Plumpciousness · 23/02/2023 13:26

Dacadactyl · 23/02/2023 13:19

Why? It is a reasonable question given the context of this thread.

Thanks to those who answered.

Show quote history

Because many threads have covered the same question over the years and after the first time of explaining that this is a talk forum with a wide variety of topics, the majority of which aren't about children or parenting, it gets very tedious when a few months later someone else pops up with the same question.

For me, 'Mumsnet' is just these talk boards. There may well be a whole site of parenting content elsewhere but I've never ventured there, because I have no interest in it.

TheLeadbetterLife · 23/02/2023 13:27

I don't want children, so why on earth would I want grandchildren?

There are loads of aspects of life that are not geared around children and grandchildren. They are the things I am interested in.

Dacadactyl · 23/02/2023 13:27

Plumpciousness · 23/02/2023 13:26

Because many threads have covered the same question over the years and after the first time of explaining that this is a talk forum with a wide variety of topics, the majority of which aren't about children or parenting, it gets very tedious when a few months later someone else pops up with the same question.

For me, 'Mumsnet' is just these talk boards. There may well be a whole site of parenting content elsewhere but I've never ventured there, because I have no interest in it.

Show quote history

I've never seen those threads.

FrostyFifi · 23/02/2023 13:29

@Dacadactyl there isn't really another large, busy, woman-focussed forum that I'm aware of. I initially wound up here for the Feminism section as it's a brilliant resource if you have GC views.
I'm more surprised that anyone should be surprised tbh - a big percentage of threads have nothing to do with parenting, in fact there's a specific parenting section for that which I never venture into.

whumpthereitis · 23/02/2023 13:30

Nope, never been something I’ve wanted for my life, or envied anyone else. I’ve never experienced maternal instinct and for me, children would be a burden. Even in the short time I was pregnant a few years ago there wasn’t any emotional pull there, or second guessing, just the desire to end it asap.

I don’t think I’m missing out on anything, any more than I’m missing out having not been born in France, or moving to Egypt. I also don’t feel anything when I see parents or grandparents with children. I think people should do what makes them happy, whether that’s having children or not.

kitsuneghost · 23/02/2023 13:30

I don't have kids by choice
Never wanted them still don't and really don't see the attraction.
The Grandchildren point is really invalid cause why would someone who doesn't really like kids be clamoring for Grandkids.
As for seeing people with kids: I think that their life must be quite restricted and hard work.

I don't find that much geared towards families and even family tickets are more geared towards some stereotypical 2 adults 2 kids scenario.
I have much more flexibility as a just the 2 of us.

With kids you need to have holidays in school holiday time
You need a bigger hotel room, often less available
You can't go for a night out without a babysitter
You have to clock watch at work to collect them
You need to spend all your after work time running them here and there
You can't wander about your own home wearing what you like
Yor needs constantly come second

Give me my carefree life any day

KimberleyClark · 23/02/2023 13:30

I used to be childless, I’m now childfree. Not bothered by seeing families and not bothered about missing out on grandchildren either.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 23/02/2023 13:31

I've never wanted children as I don't particularly like them. DH has children from his previous marriage but I don't think of them as my stepchildren as we are close in age. They have kids but as far as I'm concerned they are DH's and nothing to do with me! I'm perfectly friendly and polite when we see them but I'd never offer to look after them if they lived locally.

Peekatyourbeak · 23/02/2023 13:31

To me having grandchildren would be worse than having children so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on that.

AuntieMarys · 23/02/2023 13:31

I have adult children but probably won't have grandchildren.
Doesn't bother me at all.
I can live without small children in my life!

TheLeadbetterLife · 23/02/2023 13:32

EmmaEmerald · 23/02/2023 12:57

Thank you for making me laugh

i have been down but remembering the last party with little kids that I went to - not even that many, maybe half a dozen - oh my god, so glad that isn't a problem I have!

Show quote history

Christ yes. There aren't that many children in my world, as most of my friends are also childfree (not by design, it's just happened that way, I suppose we have more in common). When my friends that do have little kids give parties, everything has to revolve around the kids, because they require (and demand) so much attention. They're perfectly nice kids, but I don't lie awake at night wishing I was invited to more of these shindigs.

Coolcoolcool · 23/02/2023 13:33

I definitely understand why people may choose to be childfree, and am often jealous of you!

I have a question that a pp touched on to do with elderly care. Whilst I don’t agree per se that society is set up around families, it does seem to be so with elderly care. My aunt is widowed and didn’t have children, and I am her only niece, so responsibility for power of attorney etc has fallen to me, as it is best practice to have someone from a younger generation do it.

So those of you who have chosen to be child-free, what’s your desire or hope for later life and care? Thanks

Aphrathestorm · 23/02/2023 13:33

It's funny how it's always women having these existential debates.

Fighting (bitching) over choices etc.

Childless/free men don't get into conflicts with fathers.

Maybe it's because we all fail to admit it's the social expectations on MOTHERS that send 1/5 women running for the hills.

Hell if I could have been a father rather than a mother I'm sure I'd have had many more DCs than I do.

But as a mum I get the shit deal out of parenting. All of the responsibility and little of the reward.

Peekatyourbeak · 23/02/2023 13:34

Dacadactyl · 23/02/2023 13:07

I am curious why people who don't want children and never have done are posters on Mumsnet?

Can any of you elaborate please? I am genuinely curious about it. It just seems like an odd place for you to end up.

It’s a woman dominated forum so I found it when I was looking for advice and support after being raped. Most of the posts here aren’t about being a parent so in and around reviewing great support and advice, I read other threads and have now been here around 15 years.

TedMullins · 23/02/2023 13:34

Coolcoolcool · 23/02/2023 13:33

I definitely understand why people may choose to be childfree, and am often jealous of you!

I have a question that a pp touched on to do with elderly care. Whilst I don’t agree per se that society is set up around families, it does seem to be so with elderly care. My aunt is widowed and didn’t have children, and I am her only niece, so responsibility for power of attorney etc has fallen to me, as it is best practice to have someone from a younger generation do it.

So those of you who have chosen to be child-free, what’s your desire or hope for later life and care? Thanks

Honestly? Dignitas

TabooOfNoSex · 23/02/2023 13:34

Try and be childfree AND single😅!
It’s rough out here, get worse the older you get!
I’m in my mid 30’s and always excluded, mosty have to be the first contact them and all they want to do is complain about their husbands and kids, never care about my life.

It is, sadly, still, very coupled up, hetero, kids world out here.
Hopefully one day singles and childfree people are also seen as importan, intact people.

theworldhas · 23/02/2023 13:35

Always strikes me as slightly odd when people say they don’t like children. Which is of course totally different to saying I don’t want responsibility for children or to be a parent. Children are just young humans, aged 0-17 and come in all different shapes, sizes and personalities. Just seems a bit prejudiced and narrow minded to me. It’s like someone saying they don’t like old people or they don’t like city people. I mean sure some old people can really encapsulate some of the worst traits of that demographic (maybe be a bit grumpy or a bit “I know best” etc) but the vast majority are just nice, normal people. Just as some kids might ask too many questions or have a quick temper, but that hardly wipes out all their positive traits!