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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 22/02/2023 16:41

I understand your disappointment but sounds like wife is still struggling.

If having whole family round the table was my priority I would do it again at Easter or some other weekend. Meanwhile enjoy your Mother's Day with the children who are coming.

If you were my mum I would be taking you for lunch the day/weekend before as an alternative rather than a phonecall.

RatherBeRiding · 22/02/2023 16:41

You are not unreasonable to be disappointed, but rather unreasonable not to take into account that your son and DIL view the day differently to you. Maybe your DIL has very complex feeling around days like this and your son is obviously respecting that.

He is going to ring and will probably send you the flowers, card etc.

And I would never expect my adult children to make a fuss of mother's day, but we're all different! Quite happy with a card and a message!

Theraffarian · 22/02/2023 16:46

Surely a reverse .
If not , As a mother of adult children it’s lovely when they have time to come for dinners , but to expect your son to leave his wife alone while she will still be grieving her own mum , or play happy families on a difficult day for her is just crazy selfish . Especially when you have other children who will be there . Definitely a case to be made for inviting them all on a less painful day for his wife .

Arthurflecksfacepaint · 22/02/2023 16:48

I know you are disappointed, but he needs to put his wife’s feelings first.

I say that as someone with an adult son - if he was in that position, I would understand.

I am sort of in the same situation, my mum died when I was a child - on mother’s day. I have children myself and they don’t know that she died on that day, they make me a card at school but that’s it, I don’t celebrate.

We’ve always lived too far from dh parents for a situation like yours to arise, but I wouldn’t stop him seeing his mum.

We are all different though.

Arthurflecksfacepaint · 22/02/2023 16:49

You do have to understand though that it will be difficult for her and that she quite rightly, needs her husband to be there for her.

Greensleeves · 22/02/2023 16:49

He isn't obliged to spend that day with you. If his wife is going to be feeling cut up and vulnerable that day, then it's quite right that he wants to be with her. Many mothers of adults children are happy with a card or a phone call, they don't expect the whole family to turn up and pay homage to them all day Confused

If you want a healthy relationship with your son and his wife, I suggest you quickly internalise the idea that his life doesn't revolve around you any more.

Springintoabetterlife · 22/02/2023 16:49

Yabu!

WaddleAway · 22/02/2023 16:49

I wouldn’t do a 4 hour round trip for a Sunday lunch, regardless of the other issue.

OoooohMatron · 22/02/2023 16:50

If this is real you are one selfish piece of work.

Cnidarian · 22/02/2023 16:50

You are joking surely?

ShirleyPhallus · 22/02/2023 16:51

Is this a reverse?

OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 16:51

Even without the wife’s mums being sadly gone expecting someone to do four hours round trip because it’s Mother’s Day is selfish. His going to call and I would guess send a card /gift/ flowers.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2023 16:51

He is putting his wife’s feelings first - and that is absolutely the right thing for him to do, @Thegardenmum - sorry. I don’t think it means he doesn’t love you or value you, and I do think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Noicant · 22/02/2023 16:52

I understand this may feel a bit hurtful but tbh I think you can be proud of a son who is that considerate to his wife. She’s the most important relationship in his life and caring for that bond is extremely important.

I think keep inviting each year and then take any declines graciously. You will get a much better response in the future from them both if you are understanding and kind about this. I really wouldn’t kick up a fuss over it otherwise you’ll end up on a MIL thread on mumsnet.

PictureNotPerfect · 22/02/2023 16:53

I think if you literally did what you said and sent them a reminder that’s it’s Mother’s Day and in effect summoned them to your house then that’s quite self absorbed. It’s up to them to choose to mark the day for you, not for you to demand. Also it was quite thoughtless given your daughter-in-law has lost her DM so it’s bound to be painful for her. YABU

HeddaGarbled · 22/02/2023 16:53

I think he’s behaving well. Fine to invite them, fine for them to decline.

Parky04 · 22/02/2023 16:54

By the way it's written, I would say a reverse.

Loverofpizza · 22/02/2023 16:55

This is mad. Yabu.

Adult children aren't obliged to attend family meals on special days. If he sends you a card then that is enough.

You are being insensitive to his wife.

Pbubz · 22/02/2023 16:55

100% YABU.

Ragwort · 22/02/2023 16:56

I can't believe your sent your DS a 'reminder' that it is Mother's Day Hmm. I have an adult DS, an only child, and I wouldn't DP dream of 'reminding' him, he may or may not remember but I don't need a card or flowers to know that I am appreciated.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2023 16:57

You are expecting too much imo.

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 22/02/2023 16:57

Your son sounds lovely.

What a supportive and understanding husband he is.

You should be very proud that you've raised such a compassionate man.

Redebs · 22/02/2023 16:58

This is ridiculous. Of course he doesn't have to come. What a thoughtful husband he is.

And why did you say you called to remind him, rather than to invite him? Seems like you feel entitled to a visit, regardless of the pain it will cause his wife.

Your children are grown up now. They get to choose when they visit.

worried4698643 · 22/02/2023 16:58

Either a reverse or you are insanely insensitive.

Dacadactyl · 22/02/2023 16:58

I think with this being the first year after his MIL has died, YABU.

However, in future years I would say he IBU if he didn't come.

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