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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
Notellinganyone · 22/02/2023 17:25

WaddleAway · 22/02/2023 16:49

I wouldn’t do a 4 hour round trip for a Sunday lunch, regardless of the other issue.

This. His wife should rightly take priority- all this preciousness over Mother’s Day is nonsense in my view.

yeetingbird · 22/02/2023 17:25

Actually I think this is a reverse

GoldDuster · 22/02/2023 17:25

Surely all that's left to do now is to text all of your DC

"YOU'LL MISS ME WHEN I'M GONE!"

Gazelda · 22/02/2023 17:25

To answer your question, yes YABU.

When did you last see your son and DIL? Do you travel to them sometimes?

On reflection, do you regret sending the text reminder about Mother's Day to her?

To remedy this, perhaps suggest an Easter meet-up, as suggested by a previous poster.

Original poster
Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:25

I reminded them both it was mothers day soon, so they knew why I invited them on this particular day. Surely I am welcoming her into our family by inviting them both to spend mothers day with me?

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 17:25

GoldDuster · 22/02/2023 17:25

Surely all that's left to do now is to text all of your DC

"YOU'LL MISS ME WHEN I'M GONE!"

She could also fake a medical emergency on the day too.

Blossomtoes · 22/02/2023 17:25

Messaging a woman whose mum is dead to remind her about Mothers’ Day is one of the most tone deaf things I’ve ever heard. Shame on you @Thegardenmum.

Fluffleupagus · 22/02/2023 17:26

Well aren't you a peach! You have absolutely no idea what your DIL may be going through emotionally, 3 years is not long. Or perhaps your son just doesn't want to come (wouldn't be surprised given how little emotional intelligence you appear to have, and that you have no doubt upset his wife with your Mother's Day 'reminder'), and this is an easy out?

Swiftswatch · 22/02/2023 17:26

@TheHouseElf *Just 3 years" you say, so when exactly will it be OK for this Mother to see her son on Mother's Day. After 5 years have passed? Or maybe she needs to wait a decade, or perhaps 2.

As sad as it no doubt is for DIL not have her own Mother anymore, surely no-one would want to keep their husband from seeing theirs.*

Who said the DIL is keeping the son from seeing his mother though? You’ve just made that up from nothing as there is nothing in op’s post to suggest it.

Dahlia444 · 22/02/2023 17:26

'reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day'
I don't ever remind my DC (adult, near adult or child) that it's mothers day and certainly never expect them to come for a family meal. Odd set up. Surely the point of mothers day is for your DC to take the initiative and celebrate you and your relationship in whichever way they choose?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/02/2023 17:26

Demanding someone comes 2 hours to see you to celebrate the fact you had a baby seems utterly ridiculous. When DC are older and able to make their own decisions, it'll be lovely to see them but I certainly don't expect them to drop everything because it happens to be Mother's Day. Just move the day to a different week, have them for Easter or something mutually convenient but don't get pissy cos they won't dance to your tune.

OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 17:26

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:25

I reminded them both it was mothers day soon, so they knew why I invited them on this particular day. Surely I am welcoming her into our family by inviting them both to spend mothers day with me?

You couldn’t have just issued the invite as a Lunch invite you didn’t have to make it a big deal about Mother’s Day is why.

Inkpotlover · 22/02/2023 17:26

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

Show quote history

So why did you not text him on his own and say 'I'd love to see you on Mother's Day this year as your siblings are also coming round, but I know it might be hard for Wife', instead of sending them both a summons that they had to come?

crosstalk · 22/02/2023 17:26

So you're expecting your DS to travel 4 hours for lunch to celebrate what you clearly consider your day when he has told you it is a problem for his DW and would prefer not to leave her alone? You ask if he'll regret not having spent more time with you after your death - do you not see him on any other day? I hate to be unkind but you sound as if you want to return to the days when you were your DCs' sole focus. I think the majority of us are happy with a card (if we know what day Mothers' Day is) or a text and if our DC suggest something, delighted. Our children owe us nothing.

thedogsmum · 22/02/2023 17:27

I don't think you're being selfish at all. It's sad that you DILs mum died but it was 3 years ago, you're still here, and why should you miss having your family around on mother's day would be lovely for you and them.

I don't think your text was tactless, and I don't get why you're being so heavily criticised here.

Inkpotlover · 22/02/2023 17:27

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:25

I reminded them both it was mothers day soon, so they knew why I invited them on this particular day. Surely I am welcoming her into our family by inviting them both to spend mothers day with me?

You really are tone deaf.

Blossomtoes · 22/02/2023 17:27

thedogsmum · 22/02/2023 17:27

I don't think you're being selfish at all. It's sad that you DILs mum died but it was 3 years ago, you're still here, and why should you miss having your family around on mother's day would be lovely for you and them.

I don't think your text was tactless, and I don't get why you're being so heavily criticised here.

Blimey, there’s more than one of them.

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 22/02/2023 17:28

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:25

I reminded them both it was mothers day soon, so they knew why I invited them on this particular day. Surely I am welcoming her into our family by inviting them both to spend mothers day with me?

You can't be serious

You think it was acceptable to message someone who lost their mum a short time ago about mothers day, and issue a summons?

You're very clearly not welcoming her, you invited her because you thought you stood a better chance of your son being there, not because you like her, that much is clear.

Renoir56 · 22/02/2023 17:28

My mum died 25 years ago when I was 30. 3 years later most of my friends still had their mums and I found it hard. I hated shopping in the weeks before Mother's Day as it was everywhere. A reminder message would have been hard. Nowadays it wouldn't bother me at all.

Your DIL hasn't stopped your son from coming. He's being sensitive to the fact that it's a difficult day for her. You should be celebrating that he sounds like a kind and caring man.

OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 17:28

It’s fine that poster is the dogs mum. It’s all good.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 22/02/2023 17:28

OP you are absolutely shocking in your view of this.

My OH’s dad died 3 years ago and on Father’s Day I take a card to my dad on my own and see him for all of 5 mins as I know it’s a hard day for my OH. It’s different for me cause I live 5 mins away but I certainly wouldn’t drive a 4 hour round trip.

Selfish beyond belief.

CountryParsonPetal · 22/02/2023 17:28

Op, I wouldn't be too upset about a Hallmark Celebration. Perhaps suggest an alternative date that is preferable to you son and his partner.

Nixynic · 22/02/2023 17:29

Your wife has had at least 30 years of Mother’s Days. Once your children are grown adults and have moved out of the home there should be no expectation for them to travel long distances to see you on this day every year. Lovely if they can do some years, but surely it shouldn’t be expected. I’d say that you are lucky that 3 out of 4 children CAN make it in person. Even without the deceased Mother-in-law situation, I would still think you are being unreasonable. He’s 30 not 13!

If your 4 children are in their thirties then you may have already (or probably will soon) have grandchildren…… Mother’s Day then becomes more about their wives with young children, and less about their own Mum. Sorry!

I live an hour away from my Mum but haven’t spend Mother’s Day with her for 10 years, since I had my own children and my husband plans a fun day for me and our own children. I still send my mum a card and gift, FaceTime her on the day, and I think most would say the same once you are 30+

Springbreakwoohoo · 22/02/2023 17:29

My mother died many many years ago and Mother Day is still excruciatingly painful. YABU and very entitled.

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 22/02/2023 17:30

Nah I'm with the OP. Three years is plenty of time for the wife to cope with mother's day and it's selfish of her to allow her feelings to impede on her husband's relationship with his mother.

Two hours is also not far for a family lunch for his mum.

I lost both my parents so have a lot of sympathy but wouldn't dream of keeping my DH from his parents three years on.