Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

So what happens next year and the year after that etc. They can’t possibly all be there every year.

One thing is for sure BellePeppa, she certainly won't be posting on mumsnet in hopes of sympathy. I still can't believe the post is real though.

She'll probably be dead and we'll all be sorry then... That's pretty much what she told her son It sounds like 😂

Well said i think

While I agree that if dil is struggling on that day, the son should be with her, I do also think it's important that he doesn't forget he has a mum still. Mums who have been loving, and put their best effort into parenting, deserve not to be taken for granted. As commercialised at Mother's Day is, it will really stand out to any mums whose kids make no effort to acknowledge them or show appreciation for them on this day.
So while it's okay to turn down lunch, I really hope the son does make some effort to do a nice thing for his own mum on this day.

As an aside, whenever women on MN are upset at lack of effort made by their families for birthdays etc, they are advised to organise their own event next time. It's not wrong for the OP to organise the day she would like. We don't know the wording of her text and it might not have been a 'summons', more of a 'mother's day coming up, would you like to come to lunch. Your siblings will all be here' type message.

The mother’s grown up, the children are grown up. It’s ridiculous that a mother should still be treating Mother’s Day like something sacred, she’ll be wanting home made cards next. Fine when your kids are young and still living at home and they make a bit of a fuss of you but there comes a time when a card through the post or even just a text is quite sufficient.

@BellePeppa that might be sufficient for you but it's not terrible for a mum to want a bit of a fuss, even if her kids are grown up

You are being absolutely ridiculous. Your son is doing absolutely the right thing. I say that as someone who’s mum died last year. Seriously get over yourself. Surely Mother’s Day is only really a bit deal when it’s little kids making you breakfast in bed / homemade cards etc. and it’s ok that she’s more interested in your son than his extended family. You sound pretty over bearing

Why has the DIL been given a hard time? It’s the son who said he isn’t visiting his mum. Presumably, if he wanted to see his mum he’d have made arrangements either before or after. As he has done neither, I could only assume he isn’t that bothered about seeing his mum around the Mothering Sunday period. surely the DIL can’t be held responsible for this?

My teen DS has just announced he has a full day shift in hospitality on Mother’s Day, so he will be serving meals to other mothers to let them celebrate Mother’s Day and not be there for our meal together. It is what it is

Is he not seeing you in general? Or is it just that he has not accepted the Mother's Day invitation?

If he is rarely or never in touch, then you have bigger issues than the Mother's Day invitation.

If he does stay in regular touch, then it is unfair to make a fuss about one day.

If his wife is depressed on Mother's Day, then I understand his wishing to support her. It occurs to me that it's possible (especially as you don't mention grandchildren) that your DIL might have been experiencing fertility issues in addition to her bereavement: I know several people who have found Mother's Day upsetting for that reason. But the bereavement is a good enough reason on its own.

I never understood people who take holidays like these so seriously to the point where they’d rather cause a serious drift in the family than take 5 minutes to be disappointed and then move on with their lives.

I actually think, as harsh as this sounds, it’s really quite sad to plan your own Mother’s Day celebration. Especially a month in advance. Surely it’s something people choose to do for you?

If your son wants to celebrate with you I’m sure he’ll call up the day before with a gift and a card or something, or invite you out for lunch another time. Which is a completely acceptable compromise. His priority, quite rightly, is his wife.

Grief is not linear. I’ve seen some people get over losing a loved one within a few days. I’ve seen others never get over it, and they’re absolutely bereft every single holiday that rolls around. Both of these, and everything in between, is completely acceptable. You don’t get to dictate how someone grieves.

Your son not showing to his summons for dinner doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or appreciate you as his mother. It simply means that he needs to be there, as a support, to his wife who will likely be upset on the day.

Personally, the idea of me demanding someone comes to a dinner to celebrate myself while their partner is at home, upset, is really horrible. I could never do that to someone and sit there and enjoy the lunch. Similarly, I couldn’t sit and enjoy lunch while someone is very obviously fragile at the end of the table.

It wouldn’t be for me, personally.

You can feel what you want, it doesn’t entitle you to place restrictions on or emotionally blackmail people several years down the line. Life has to go on at some stage, grief isn’t always a trump card.

Why are you and some posters rather assume with zero information that the DIL is stopping him or even going as far as in your words using emotional blackmail?

Why is it so out of the realm of possibility that a man would want to stay with his wife of his own accord? Or that she may have told him to go and he decided not to?

Why is his wife being blamed for his actions when there is no evidence that she is preventing him?

There’s also no evidence of what kind of relationship OP has with her son and she has chosen to ignore the questions by several posters about it and if he or they visit for other things or if he did anything for her last Mother’s Day or others. Yet, she had no issue saying her DIL isn’t bonding with the family outside her son as she would like.

You won’t get an answer @phoenixrosehere - some posters here will defend men to the death, while assuming the absolute worst of their own sex.

It’s weird.

Who's emotionally blackmailing anybody?
What restrictions are you insinuating that @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius is imposing on anyone else?

You are coming across as being nasty for the hell of it.
Maybe OP's son just can't be arsed to drive 4 hours for a lunch.
OP has 3 other sons to enjoy the day with her. Nobody's got anything to be upset about here except the DiL.

I'm also curious as to why OP made a point of highlighting both their ages. Is there some sense of disapproval that her son married someone three whole years (shock horror!) older than him?

It's clear OP doesn't like her DIL anyway, so this turn of events is hardly surprising.

@Moonicorn - I can see absolutely no evidence on this thread that it is @Thegardenmum's DIL who is 'placing restrictions on her son. It is equally possible that he knows how his wife will feel on Mother's Day, and is voluntarily staying with her instead of visiting his mum.

And I can see why other posters might call it misogyny when the woman in the relationship - the DIL - is blamed for the actions of the man.

Maybe but if I were the DIL I would say no, don’t stay with me, go see your mum if you want. Of course if he’s using it as an excuse then he won’t want to go either way. And oh blah misogyny here we go again 🥱 so boring and overused now.

Why are you so utterly convinced the DIL is emotionally blackmailing her husband into staying with her, and not that he’s chosen to not attend his mother’s request they attend her lunch?

If misogyny is 'over used' @Moonicorn, maybe that it because it is still omnipresent.

Maybe but if I were the DIL I would say no, don’t stay with me, go see your mum if you want.

She may well have said that, you don't know.

Of course if he’s using it as an excuse then he won’t want to go either way.

Exactly. So why are you pinning the blame on his wife?

@DirectionToPerfection because, as judge Judy says, ‘in the absence of being there is go with what seems the most likely thing to have happened’. And on a balance of probabilities, I don’t think he would have volunteered to sack off Mother’s Day with his own mum unless she had asked/hint for him to do it.

Like I said before, this is one of those threads where OP isn’t coming across well, so everyone has leapt to the DIL’s defence because they have to side with one or the other. They both sound a bit 🙄 to me, DIL for being emotionally blackmaily and OP for ‘summoning’ her adult children for Mother’s Day when it’s quite a minor event and it’s usually polite to wait to be invited to a meal rather than throw one for yourself. She also shouldn’t have texted the DIL.

And on a balance of probabilities, I don’t think he would have volunteered to sack off Mother’s Day with his own mum unless she had asked/hint for him to do it

Why? I’d say on the balance of probabilities it’s likely he thinks 4 hours is a long way to drive for a Mother’s Day lunch when he could just send a card/flowers.

They both sound a bit 🙄 to me, DIL for being emotionally blackmaily and OP for ‘summoning’ her adult children for Mother’s Day

so, the women's fault. Of course. 🙄