Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

You cannot DEMAND that your son comes to you for Mother's Day! He can see you any day of the week. His priority right now is to his wife. You remind me of the aul wan out of Bread.

I don't know why OP is getting such a hard time. Texting the DIL is perhaps a bit insensitive, but I'd certainly think nothing of reminding my dc it's mother's day, can we have dinner together? On that day of the year, it is supposed to be about mothers. Not sure why OP as a mother shouldn't feel entitled to see her ds? I actually think it's odd that the DSIL wouldn't encourage him to see his mum and that he'd feel the need to stay with her. If it was her first MD after the death of her mum, yes, but her husband still has a mother. Should he never celebrate MD again because his MIL died?

I dont understand all the posters saying YABU. I dont think you are. Sure its a sad day for your DIL as her mum has passed but does this mean he will never spend mothers day with you and punish you as well? I dont think you at unreasonable, I think this is a reverse.

Seems like I cant win. If I had just invited my son I would be accused of excluding his wife. So I invited them both to join in with a nice family meal and apparently I’m the worst?

Absoutely bizzare! I still have feelings and I am of course upset that I cannot see my son on mothers day.

You sound like my MIL (bear in mind I'm a mother of two adult sons and wouldn't dream of this.) She told me at least she didn't have to share DH and I now shortly after DM died.

After five pages of responses, you still don't get it do you?

You honestly can't see how insensitive it was to send that message (and yes it does sound like a summons) to your DIL, given the circumstances?

This whole thing about one day is out of proportion I think. We are mothers/daughters/sons all year round - it doesn't depend on one lunch on one day, but about the quality of the ongoing relationship. Why don't you have a special lunch on a different day?

Yeah, this

Even the retailers who want to make money from us are sensitive enough to ask us if we want to be removed from Mothers’ Day mailings yet someone would rub her DiL’s nose in it. Unreal.

So why did you not text him on his own and say 'I'd love to see you on Mother's Day this year as your siblings are also coming round, but I know it might be hard for Wife', instead of sending them both a summons that they had to come?

Yes, this would have been a much better idea.

Op, I wouldn't be too upset about a Hallmark Celebration.

Mothering Sunday isn’t a Hallmark celebration @CountryParsonPetal. It is on the fourth Sunday in Lent and is was a day when children, mainly daughters, who had gone to work as domestic servants were given a day off to visit their mother and family. Mother’s Day is an American invention and is in May.

That's fine- totally reasonable, then they declined and explained why, also reasonable. It's not all about you, why do your feelings have to trump DILs grief? Why can't you just see them at another time which will be less of a hard day for DIL?

I don’t understand why Mother’s Day of these days a purely commercial thing seems to upset so many mothers of adult children.

Do they not show love for you on other days? Do you only ever see them just on Mother’s Day? Are they not allowed to make their own plans how they wish and still be considered adult children who love their mums still rather than the devils own work.

Couldn’t a Sunday lunch happen the Sunday before or after or even a month before or after or a Saturday?

‘Entitled’ is correct

You are being obtuse. It isn't the fact that you invited them both. It's the fact that you texted your DIL reminding them it's Mother's Day. Couldn't you just have texted your son?

And he hasn't said that he doesn't want to acknowledge it's Mothers Day or remember you. He's said that a family celebration is too much for his wife so soon after losing her mum. He's being kind. That's surely a good thing. There will be lots of other occasions when you can see them.

Agree
Dont drive a wedge between your son and his wife
Your behaviour is insensitive
Well done to your son for recognising his wife’s feelings

You said you sent them a reminder though?

If it was “Ds, your siblings are coming to lunch on X date. I know this is mother’s day and I know that it will be a difficult day for DIL, but you are both my family, so the invite is there if DIL feels up to it. If not, I understand and we will get together another time”.

That would have been kinder.

Ah, now the poor me.

Honestly OP, if you can't accept that texting a woman who has recently lost her mother to remind her that it is mother's day because "your feelings" need all your adult children in your house, then you've got a surprise coming one of these days.

Of course you wouldn't be accused of excluding her! She's not your child, so there was no need to demand that she comes to celebrate YOUR Mother's Day. Plus, I hate to be the one to break it you, when they have DC he's even less likely to come, because it will be HER Mother's Day. Or do you expect to trump that too?

So why not just text your son?. Why the hell did you think it a good idea to include his wife in a message reminding her about mother's day ffs.

Your son can make memories and see you on any day, doesn't have to be mothers day.

Understandably a difficult day for you son's wife, if you all lived closer I can imagine he would pop in but I can well get not making a 4 hour trip or wanting to leave her on her own when she feels vulnerable. I don't think you should be taking it personally.

Is there a particular reason he moved two hours away from you, OP?

Potentially it is an excuse on his behalf. Alternatively maybe he's doing it so as not to upset his wife and for an easier life (so to speak) and perhaps wife is controlling when/how he sees his Mum/family. It would be interesting to know from OP if pre DIL's Mum's death if they ever visited on Mother's Day(s).

You are being selfish. Try and consider your DIL's feelings. Mother's Day will be painful for her and your son is right to prioritise her. Try having a little empathy.

Once your children are adults you have to accept that they won't always be able to spend Mother's Day with you.

You're blowing this up into a bigger deal than it is, and you're coming across as quite demanding.

Also, it seems odd that you're organising your own Mother's Day celebration.