Page 3 | Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

Thegardenmum · 2023-02-22T16:38:03+00:00

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33. His wifes mum died 3 years ago. I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC. Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration. AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

ilovesooty · 22/02/2023 17:08

And it was also very unreasonable to message them both to remind them of the day.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/02/2023 17:08

If you kick off at this, be prepared for a very icy, if any relationship in the future.

AllWorkYoPlait · 22/02/2023 17:09

You're a grown adult.

Personally I think mothers day/fathers day is nonsense really and just for kids to make a card etc. It's not something I over think as an adult. Usually send my mum something in the mail but we've never gone out for a meal. I can't imagine her giving me grief over it.

RahRahOhLaLa · 22/02/2023 17:10

These days DM tells me not to come as it’s my day too. I wish she had decided that before DC were young adults!

Anyway, as long as I get a card I’m happy. I don’t, and never will, expect anything more but anything else is a nice bonus. Your poor DIL will be finding Mother’s Day very hard.

I can’t believe you actually contacted them though to tell them that Mother’s Day is coming up!

JimHensonWasAGenius · 22/02/2023 17:10

Also OP (who is really the DIL) do you and your DH have DC's?as that makes a difference too.

Original poster

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

OP posts:

WonderWoop · 22/02/2023 17:10

Ouch

Triffid1 · 22/02/2023 17:11

I understand why you feel sad but I think your son is being sensitive to his wife.

For myself, mothers day isn't such a big deal as a daughter or a mother. My sister still finds mother's day hard and our mum died nearly 10 years ago.

RattlewhenIwalk · 22/02/2023 17:11

Totally see your point of view. I was devastated when my mother died but I would never have dreamt of him not seeing his own mother on Mother's Day. If anything it's made me drive him to keep more regular contact.

I do think there's a lot of selfishness going about these days.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/02/2023 17:11

UWhatNow · 22/02/2023 17:04

Oh op. This is MN. Where MILs are worthless, hated and despised. You won’t get anything other than abuse for even suggesting that dinner with your son and his siblings on Mother’s Day might be nice. His wife’s mum has died so you must bear the brunt of this and be hurt and dismissed for even existing. YANBU.

She didn't suggest it.
She wrote a message to BOTH OF THEM essentially asking her diL to stop being upset about Mothers Day & make it all about OP instead.

Now she's pissed because her son won't leave his upset wife hime alone while he does a 4 hour round trip to have lunch with her.

It's got fuck-all to do with gher being a MiL & everything to do with being a selfish bitch.

latetothefisting · 22/02/2023 17:11

Hbh17 · 22/02/2023 17:08

I have never known adult children tovisit their mother on Mothers Day - even when the relationship is/was good! In decades, I've not seen it in my generation nor did my parents ever visit my grandmothers. Possibly distance was a factor, as it would have involved an overnight stay in each case, but what happened to the days when just sending a card was considered perfectly acceptable? Far too much fuss - as with Xmas etc, it is just one day!

Really? You've never visited your mother yourself...okay fine if you moved a distance away, but you've never heard of any of your friends/colleagues/acquaintances mentioning they popped to see their mother on mothers day??? That is really unusual. I would say most people living within a reasonable distance to their mothers would tend to see them on mother's day most years....doesn't have to be a big event though, just a popping in with a card or flowers.

In my experience its usually led by the child though, not expected by the mother!

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 22/02/2023 17:13

I am 70 and have DC. I do not expect anything on Mothers Day. In my opinion it is mainly for younger women who are actively bringing up children, to encourage those children to appreciate their mother's input, not for Grannies to try and hog the limelight. Have all the family over on another day and celebrate everybody.

Inkpotlover · 22/02/2023 17:13

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

I don't blame her based on what you've posted. Why on earth did you have to include her in the reminder that it was Mother's Day? Are you really that stupid and cruel?

AllWorkYoPlait · 22/02/2023 17:13

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

Based on your opening post, I'm not surprised

She didn't marry an entire family. She married your son. She doesn't owe you anything.

Snoken · 22/02/2023 17:15

RattlewhenIwalk · 22/02/2023 17:11

Totally see your point of view. I was devastated when my mother died but I would never have dreamt of him not seeing his own mother on Mother's Day. If anything it's made me drive him to keep more regular contact.

I do think there's a lot of selfishness going about these days.

I do too. Your son also only have a finite amount of Mother's Day's to spend with you, it feels strange that the wife doesn't want him to cherish those moments especially since this will now be the third or fourth Mother's Day since her own mother passed. Maybe there is more to this than just her grieving and understandably finding this particular day extra hard.

Beeinalily · 22/02/2023 17:15

It's the best part of 20 years since my Mum died, but I still find Mother's day hard, although I try not to show it. Have a lovely meal together on another day, and spend Mother's day pampering yourself and eating a lovely takeaway or something💐

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/02/2023 17:15

UWhatNow · 22/02/2023 17:04

Oh op. This is MN. Where MILs are worthless, hated and despised. You won’t get anything other than abuse for even suggesting that dinner with your son and his siblings on Mother’s Day might be nice. His wife’s mum has died so you must bear the brunt of this and be hurt and dismissed for even existing. YANBU.

Have you read the op??? Her fucking mother died and she messaged s reminder' to the DIL?!? So yeah, looks like this MIL is one you'd like to pass on.

My MIL is amazing fwiw

WaddleAway · 22/02/2023 17:15

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

Well yes, she married him, not you.

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 22/02/2023 17:15

Son's wife sounds a bit precious. Is she generally this self absorbed? Does she often have reasons not to engage with her husbands family? What do they do for other family get togethers, Xmas etc.

Newwardrobe · 22/02/2023 17:16

I initially thought this was a reverse, now I think it's a wind up , who sends a reminder to their kids about Mother's Day , especially to someone who has lost theirs .

Original poster

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Snoken · 22/02/2023 17:15

I do too. Your son also only have a finite amount of Mother's Day's to spend with you, it feels strange that the wife doesn't want him to cherish those moments especially since this will now be the third or fourth Mother's Day since her own mother passed. Maybe there is more to this than just her grieving and understandably finding this particular day extra hard.

Show quote history

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

OP posts:

GodisaBC · 22/02/2023 17:16

I think she’s been unreasonable - will he never be allowed to spend time with his own mum on Mother’s Day?
3 years is enough.

TheHouseElf · 22/02/2023 17:17

Renoir56 · 22/02/2023 17:06

Please tell me you didn't text your daughter in law to remind her it was Mother's Day? Just 3 years after losing her mum? No-one could be that insensitive.

"Just 3 years" you say, so when exactly will it be OK for this Mother to see her son on Mother's Day. After 5 years have passed? Or maybe she needs to wait a decade, or perhaps 2.

As sad as it no doubt is for DIL not have her own Mother anymore, surely no-one would want to keep their husband from seeing theirs. None of us know what's around the corner for any of us, and who is to say that either Mother, or the Son will be here next year.

AngelDelightUK · 22/02/2023 17:18

I think that shows what a caring and thoughtful man your son is to his wife. You don’t sound like you’re too keen on her either

Swiftswatch · 22/02/2023 17:18

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

What a bitch.

What effort do you make with her, other than the tone deaf texts?