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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
stripedsox · 22/02/2023 17:18

As a family we sat down talked it over and agreed not to do birthdays, mothers day, christmas cards /presents years ago, it's not for everyone but heck it makes life so much easier. There are no expectations from anyone, we stopped when our youngest turned 18.

Sirzy · 22/02/2023 17:19

You can invite people to lunch. You can’t make it compulsory to attend.

AuntieMarys · 22/02/2023 17:19

Do you not see him regularly? Why the obsession with one day of the year?

WaddleAway · 22/02/2023 17:19

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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Well he might do, or he might think he already spends enough time with you.

KindlyKanga · 22/02/2023 17:19

Can you not just be happy you've raised a caring man? Your other children will be there. Invite then round in a couple of weekends time or something

Arthurflecksfacepaint · 22/02/2023 17:19

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.

You can’t force someone to spend time with you. If time isn’t freely given, it’s meaningless.

Would you rather dig g your heels in and force him to come knowing that he didn’t actually want to be there?

KindlyKanga · 22/02/2023 17:20

Can you not just be happy you've raised a caring man? Your other children will be there. Invite then round in a couple of weekends time or something

Lavenderzen · 22/02/2023 17:20

He is putting his wife first, which is the right thing to do.
Shame you don't feel proud that he is doing that.

OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 17:20

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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Probably not if your demanding of his time and kinda rude about his wife’s efforts with you.

Might be why they live two hours away.

4 hours travel, what 2-3 hours for meal and chat. You want them to dedicate 6-7 hours to make you feel good about yourself just because it’s “Mother’s Day”. Rather than because they actually want to visit smh.

WilsonMilson · 22/02/2023 17:20

Good grief, why would you text your son’s wife about Mother’s Day, knowing full well she lost her mum? That’s beyond insensitive and very selfish.

You have three other adult dc’s who will visit you. Your DS is doing exactly the right thing here and putting his wife first, which is clearly pissing you off. YABVU!

DismantledKing · 22/02/2023 17:20

I’m sorry, but you just sound dreadful.

GoldDuster · 22/02/2023 17:21

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

Well I think you've dropped the final clanger here and any shred of a relationship that did exist with her is probably now over.

When you die? Oh who can say, one can only wonder what your son will wish.

WilsonMilson · 22/02/2023 17:21

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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Frankly, I doubt he will give your form on this thread!

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 22/02/2023 17:21

stripedsox · 22/02/2023 17:18

As a family we sat down talked it over and agreed not to do birthdays, mothers day, christmas cards /presents years ago, it's not for everyone but heck it makes life so much easier. There are no expectations from anyone, we stopped when our youngest turned 18.

love this - family goals! I’d probably celebrate birthdays but would be happy to bin the rest of those holidays.

withgraceinmyheart · 22/02/2023 17:22

Oh God, did you actually message someone whose mother has died to remind them that it’s Mother’s Day? What an utter twat you are. No wonder she doesn’t want to see you when she’s feeling vulnerable.

Woolandwonder · 22/02/2023 17:22

Totally unreasonable. She's lost her mum so won't even want to think about mother's day this year and he sounds like a good guy trying to support her.
I'm sure they'll visit at a less difficult time.
Don't mention mothers day again..

nokidshere · 22/02/2023 17:22

Did I miss something? Nowhere does it say she has stopped him seeing his mum. Just that he doesn't want to come because he's being sensitive to her feelings? Given the tone of the posts from OP it's beginning to sound like he might be using his wife as an excuse.

BreviloquentBastard · 22/02/2023 17:22

TheHouseElf · 22/02/2023 17:17

"Just 3 years" you say, so when exactly will it be OK for this Mother to see her son on Mother's Day. After 5 years have passed? Or maybe she needs to wait a decade, or perhaps 2.

As sad as it no doubt is for DIL not have her own Mother anymore, surely no-one would want to keep their husband from seeing theirs. None of us know what's around the corner for any of us, and who is to say that either Mother, or the Son will be here next year.

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Kindly indicate the part of my comment where I said it would never be ok for her son to visit his mother on mother's day? I must have had a stroke as I don't remember saying that at all.

I was simply gobsmacked that she'd be insensitive enough to text a woman who has lost her mother to remind her that it's mother's day. Which is what I commented on. She could have simply texted just her son if she felt so inclined.

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2023 17:22

YABU when you messaged them both.

Why would you do that? Why not simply message just your son? So blinded by one single day, you chose to ignore that your DIL may be suffering because her mom is gone. The companies sending out emails asking people if they would like to opt out of messages about such events because they know such days are difficult for many who have lost a parent or have very difficult relationships have more consideration than you.

I can understand being disappointed but you completely ignored your DIL’s feelings. My mother lost both her parents months after each other over a decade ago and she still talks about them as does my dad who lost his parents over 20 years ago.

Would you want a spouse of your children to think and say the same of you when you go? It was three years ago, they should be over it by now?

OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 17:23

nokidshere · 22/02/2023 17:22

Did I miss something? Nowhere does it say she has stopped him seeing his mum. Just that he doesn't want to come because he's being sensitive to her feelings? Given the tone of the posts from OP it's beginning to sound like he might be using his wife as an excuse.

Because it’s a mil thread and the son isn’t doing as dictated too so it must be the dils fault.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/02/2023 17:24

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

Show quote history

Why are you ignoring literally every other post op? You've not responded have you?

Namechangedagain20 · 22/02/2023 17:24

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon

You messaged her to say Mother’s Day was soon? Did it not occur to you how insensitive that was? I don’t blame her for not wanting to visit, it’s weird that you expect her to. You aren’t her mother and she’s lost her own, Mother’s Day is probably a day she would rather give a miss. And I think it’s good of your son to be considerate of her feelings, considering his mum has most likely upset her. @Thegardenmum I think a good start would be messaging her apologising for being insensitive, perhaps if she feels you are considerate of her feelings she will have more of an interest in you.

RampantIvy · 22/02/2023 17:24

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

How welcome have you made her feel?

My late MIL was lovely, and made me feel welcome the minute I met her. After my mum died she became my "second mum". She was lovely. I made as much fuss of her on Mothering Sunday as if she was my own mum. If she doesn't feel very close to you I can understand the reluctance to come to you for Mothering Sunday.

Also, your opening post made it sound like a summons rather than an invitation. Please don't guilt trip them into visiting you.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 22/02/2023 17:24

You’re being completely unreasonable. Are you really too insensitive to understand that?

yeetingbird · 22/02/2023 17:24

WaddleAway · 22/02/2023 16:49

I wouldn’t do a 4 hour round trip for a Sunday lunch, regardless of the other issue.

Me neither.