Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

Clearly says 3 years ago.

I think the only bit you're unreasonable on is sending the message to them both. I can't see why he can't come alone if he'd usually celebrate with you. Not fair you miss out on your normal experience because she can't have hers

While you may have hopes for a family gathering on mothers day, understandably as he will be supporting his wife (also a mother?) that won't be possible.

I think you're being unreasonable and lacking in empathy, and seem to see your adult DC as an extension of you, rather than adults with their own lives.

You are no longer his priority on mother's day and he cannot be summonsed. Pick another Sunday.

Are you not inviting your children's spouses?

I'd be really proud that I've raised a man who is considerate of his wife and is showing himself to be a good husband who cares about his family and will do what he needs to, to ensure his wife's welfare on a day that's likely to be very difficult for her. I think you are being unreasonable to expect her to sit home alone or to put on a pretence and show up for you. She's your dil and I think you should be acting like she's part of your family and caring more for her welfare. Arrange to see them on a less sensitive date and be proud of the man he grew up to be.

Oh don’t be so self centred. He’s been clear and concise about the issues at hand and he’s being supportive to his wife, not sure why that would make you feel anything much other than quite proud of him.
As an aside, you invite them to lunch, but you’re a four hour trip away?! That’s quite a journey, I wouldn’t blame him for saying no on the basis of that alone tbh.

Tell me you didn't actually message your daughter in law who has lost her mother to remind her it's mother's day. Surely no one is that emotionally thick?

Personally, I think @Thegardenmum the way that you speak of her might give an insight on how you feel about her? 'Son lives with wife' sounds extremely detached. 'His wife's mum' sounds a little dismissive. Do you and your daughter in law usually get on ok?

If your son chooses to stay home with his wife on this particular day that's his call. You can't really expect or dictate that adults follow your rules unfortunately, just make arrangements to see them another time maybe.

Clearly a reverse and this is the sons wife posting

If my mum called me to ‘please come to lunch’ as an instruction rather than an invitation, my hackles would be right up. You don’t get to dictate their activity.

Add in his wife’s bereavement and nope, I’d not be attending.

Yeah it must be a reverse

I agree. It's utterly unreasonable to expect someone to do a four hour round trip - Mothers' Day or not.

Oh op. This is MN. Where MILs are worthless, hated and despised. You won’t get anything other than abuse for even suggesting that dinner with your son and his siblings on Mother’s Day might be nice. His wife’s mum has died so you must bear the brunt of this and be hurt and dismissed for even existing. YANBU.

“Don’t forget it’s Me day coming up! I’m preparing a meal to celebrate Me! I presume you will be there to celebrate Me?”

Why did you have to include her in the message reminding her it was Mother's Day? That's just cruel. It should've been just to your DS, seeing as he's your son and your his mum and how you two celebrate Mother's Day is nothing to do with her.

The fact you need to ask is batshit

AIBU to be annoyed?
I could - almost have some sympathy with you, & advise you to reframe your disappointment by making the most of all the other days of the year you get to spend with your son that just don't happen to be mandated by the cards & gifts industry ... but ...

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon
Are you for real? I seriously hope not, & this is a wind-up.
How could you DO that?

Did you imagine your DiL might have forgotten all about Mothers Day?
Why on earth did you send that message at all - let alone TO HER?
You are a supremely selfish bastard.
How you have the gall to be annoyed, instead of wishing the ground would open up to swallow you & your shame is beyond me.

Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?
BECAUSE HIS WIFE IS PROBABLY FEELING FRAGILE BECAUSE HER MOTHER DIED & THE ENTIRE COUNTRY IS GOING CRAZY OVER A NATIONAL CELEBRATION OF MOTHERHOOD.
You're not obviously sad in the slightest. It's all about YOU isn't it?

Good on your son, for sticking around to support his wife after your appallingly insensitive & solipsistic message to her.

Please tell me you didn't text your daughter in law to remind her it was Mother's Day? Just 3 years after losing her mum? No-one could be that insensitive.

This 100%.

You seem to have quite a sense of entitlement around Mother's Day.

She sent the message to the DIL when she should've just sent it to her DS. That's why I'm saying she's BU.

This.

It would be unreasonable if he didn't mark the day at all because of his wife but I doubt most people living that far away from their parents would travel down just for the day every year - nice if they did it once every few years or incorporated it into a weekend trip occasionally.

This must be a reverse - no one is really this self centred (surely not?).

do you have a good relationship with her OP?

I have never known adult children tovisit their mother on Mothers Day - even when the relationship is/was good! In decades, I've not seen it in my generation nor did my parents ever visit my grandmothers. Possibly distance was a factor, as it would have involved an overnight stay in each case, but what happened to the days when just sending a card was considered perfectly acceptable? Far too much fuss - as with Xmas etc, it is just one day!

What utter rot.

1. She isn't his MIL, she's his mum. Many of us are mothers of adult sons in long-term relationships and we are commenting that SIBU

2. She didn't "suggest it might be nice". She sent a message to both of them summoning them to lunch 2 hours away, and is throwing her toys out of the pram because the answer is no. Who sends a woman who has lost her mother a message reminding her it's Mother's Day?!

3. OP is in now way "bearing the brunt" of her DIL's bereavement, whatever that means. She's being required to accept that her son is married, committed to his wife and his putting her feelings on that day ahead of his mother's towering sense of personal entitlement. Good on him.

Obviously a reverse.

Why do people do it?

Do they think they will get more favourable answers that way?

It's so bloody annoying!