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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to give a friend lifts any more

244 replies

Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 09:32

So after dealing with shitty family, I'm now looking at friendships - I want to be more assertive and make sure I'm not being used and that I have a good support network

For the past few months, I have given lifts to my friend to boxing.
My friend doesn't drive so I take her. She doesn't pay towards fuel at all.and has never offered - although I have said she needs to start contributing to the cost

As the boxing class doesn't finish until 10.30 pm I told her that supermarket stops after class would not be happening going forward and she can sort that out herself as I'm not prepared to wait for her to do a full shop at that time which also delays me getting home. (I've done it twice and she's had me waiting over an hour!!)
She got very angry and said she needs to do her shopping
I told her that was not my problem and I also reminded her that going forward she needs to contribute to the cost of petrol as she wouldn't be able to get to class without my car.
She was not happy so I said that it was fine but I would meet her there next week as i was fed up of being taken advantage of and used.
She said she cannot afford the taxis as one way is £10. I told her that she can get a bus and we will meet there. They run til 11.30pm so she could get home too and if she wanted to go to the class she would manage it.
AIBU to stop giving her lifts anywhere and just meet her at the class?
I feel I've been clear that she's taking advantage but feel a but guilty.
DH said that she's taking the piss with expecting me to wait for her to go shopping and also not contributing any petrol money and he thinks I'm 100% right

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 22/02/2023 13:46

Honestly, she is taking the piss by asking you to take her to the supermarket afterwards, and expects you to wait an hour for her! No more lifts.

Untitledsquatboulder · 22/02/2023 13:46

Life without a car can be really tough

It would probably be easier if you didn't choose hobbies a 40 min car journey from your house though. Finding the money to keep a car on the road can be pretty tough too.

ladygindiva · 22/02/2023 13:50

Yanbu. I'm a non driver; and I never ask for lifts ( I only attend things I can access via public transport, not that difficult) and If I am lucky enough to be offered a lift I always offer money for petrol and wouldn't dream of asking someone to stop and wait while I shop/run an errand. Your friend is a CF.

Crumpledstilstkin · 22/02/2023 13:56

Good on you. I've been guilty of getting lifts from people pre car simply because I saw my parents giving them out to everyone and thought it was normal to be happy to do it. Being told it wasn't was really helpful! Also opened up a helpful conversation about the favours I did them they undervalued like I undervalued the cost of driving.

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 13:57

diddl · 22/02/2023 13:33

How did this all come about Op?

You decided to do the boxing together & "obviously" you would drive?

Was it on the way to collect her or did she make her way to you?

I think that the supermarket thing shows what she thinks of you.

Thankyou for asking rather than making assumptions.
I decided to try boxing as a new challenge. She wanted to come so I said I would take her with no initial talk of money

Once we had been going regularly I realised I was putting so much more fuel in and i was going back on myself to collect her and drop her home hence the 40 min drive

I then mentioned that the additional trips to the supermarket, hospital apps and this were costing me an extra 40 quid a month in fuel and I couldn't sustain that and she still didn't get the hint.

At the beginning of the year I said no more piss takers no more bullshit. She pays for my time and fuel or she doesn't go. Her response also made my mindimmediately makes me think up. Getting agg🤔ressive with me was well out of order. End of discussion.

The messages DID happen the situation happened and I've ended it. No more lifts whatsoever.

oh and please tell me where fuel is £1.40
🤔🤔

OP posts:
ItsShiela · 22/02/2023 14:00

YANBU She is absolutely taking the piss and is CFer. She has a brass neck to get angry at you! You're the only one out of the two of you who has the right to be angry considering how she has treated you. I hope you've blocked her on your phone?

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 14:01

ItsShiela · 22/02/2023 14:00

YANBU She is absolutely taking the piss and is CFer. She has a brass neck to get angry at you! You're the only one out of the two of you who has the right to be angry considering how she has treated you. I hope you've blocked her on your phone?

I absolutely have! I will be civil but no more free rides x

OP posts:
Pieandchips1234456 · 22/02/2023 14:03

Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 09:55

Thankyou everyone.

I think that the responses solidify my thinking.

I have messaged my friend and told her there are no more lifts anywhere. I will be civil but honestly she is such hard work and takes shit personally and bears massive grudges.

With every toxic person i distance myself from I am.hoping that my self esteem will rise 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

I do on the whole think YANBU, but if your message to her said that there would be no more lifts, why did you ask her for £25? I also think your reply to her was rude, you can be firm and assertive without being cheeky and people normally respect you more when you don't stoop to their level. Anyway, glad you got it all sorted.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/02/2023 14:08

I feel a sense of deja vu. Was there not a very similar post not that long ago except the OP didn't state what the hobby was initially but then eventually did and it was photography?

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 14:09

I was rude as I'm sick of her being rude to me. You have only seen the messages. Not the parts where she criticises my driving (she doesn't drive) or bitches at me for getting moved to a different group to the point the instructor had to say something.
There's usually a reason behind a response

OP posts:
xsquared · 22/02/2023 14:10

Well done op for standing up to her and not letting her walk over you.

Not sure why some posters are telling you to grow a backbone, when you have done that by telling her where to go after her hissy fit.

Perhaps they're CFs themselves who can't stand seeing another person set boundaries.

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 14:11

xsquared · 22/02/2023 14:10

Well done op for standing up to her and not letting her walk over you.

Not sure why some posters are telling you to grow a backbone, when you have done that by telling her where to go after her hissy fit.

Perhaps they're CFs themselves who can't stand seeing another person set boundaries.

Thankyou.

To be honest I don't give a F what these other people think. Half of them sound entitled themselves. I know I've done the right thing and I know the full circumstances around my decision
Quite a few things have been a part of it tbh xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 14:13

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/02/2023 14:08

I feel a sense of deja vu. Was there not a very similar post not that long ago except the OP didn't state what the hobby was initially but then eventually did and it was photography?

I've never done photography. Nice story though.
I've done 2 posts one about family and this one
Go check if you like

OP posts:
balancingfigure · 22/02/2023 14:15

I think YABU, very - she isn’t a friend!

Well done on taking control and good luck with getting rid of the toxic people in your life, I’m sure you will feel better

RoseGoldEagle · 22/02/2023 14:18

She doesn’t sound like a friend OP.

Pieandchips1234456 · 22/02/2023 14:18

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/02/2023 14:08

I feel a sense of deja vu. Was there not a very similar post not that long ago except the OP didn't state what the hobby was initially but then eventually did and it was photography?

Yes, I remember that one!

Pieandchips1234456 · 22/02/2023 14:20

Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 14:09

I was rude as I'm sick of her being rude to me. You have only seen the messages. Not the parts where she criticises my driving (she doesn't drive) or bitches at me for getting moved to a different group to the point the instructor had to say something.
There's usually a reason behind a response

See things like that I would nip in the bud and be firm. Otherwise I too,would be like a ticking time bomb and explode with an arsey msg. I wouldn't give people an excuse to play the victim by doing so.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/02/2023 14:21

@Lonelygirl38 oh I'm not denying your story. It's just the similarities. @Pieandchips1234456 confirms it wasn't a figment of my imagination. If I can find the thread I'll paste just in case it's helpful for you. And YADNBU but sounds like you've dealt with it well! Some folk have no idea that they are even taking the piss!

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/02/2023 14:23

Here was the other thread

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 14:23

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/02/2023 14:21

@Lonelygirl38 oh I'm not denying your story. It's just the similarities. @Pieandchips1234456 confirms it wasn't a figment of my imagination. If I can find the thread I'll paste just in case it's helpful for you. And YADNBU but sounds like you've dealt with it well! Some folk have no idea that they are even taking the piss!

Thankyou

OP posts:
Reclaimtheoutdoors · 22/02/2023 14:24

LikeTearsInRain · 22/02/2023 11:26

YABU

Life without a car can be really tough. Doing food shopping with bags and getting on buses at night can be awful

A 40 minute drive? So about 20-25 miles max? 4 x a month, return journey so let’s say 200 miles. That’s about 5 gallons of fuel. Which when the cost is split between you is way less than £25. You are ripping her off there. Please correct me if I’m wrong about the journey distance.

I don’t have a car and I do agree it’s brutal getting on buses with bags! I always end up falling on top of passengers etc, but she can probably get delivery. That’s what I do each week and if I run out of stuff in between, I walk up to my local Aldi . I get a saver slot from sainsburys and it can be as cheap as £1.

Maddison12 · 22/02/2023 14:40

Not the point of the thread but a taxi to my dad's is £25 - £30, 30min journey, 10 miles.

I wouldn't be too arsed about the petrol money since you'd be driving there regardless of her being there or not.

The shopping is an absolute piss take and I would of been really tempted to just leave her. Well done for not putting up with it!

diddl · 22/02/2023 14:44

and i was going back on myself to collect her and drop her home

Yes I had a feeling that that would be happening.

Even if on the way I'm sure some people would wait inside & then put their coat & shoes on when the car pulls up🙄

ifIwerenotanandroid · 22/02/2023 14:45

Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 14:09

I was rude as I'm sick of her being rude to me. You have only seen the messages. Not the parts where she criticises my driving (she doesn't drive) or bitches at me for getting moved to a different group to the point the instructor had to say something.
There's usually a reason behind a response

I love that she criticises your driving! I once drifted into giving a non-driving work colleague a lift home every day, & it got very wearing because it meant I couldn't detour & do other things on my way home. I didn't ask her for petrol money as we lived very close to each other so I wasn't going out of my way.

The decision to stop giving her a lift was made so much easier the day she compared my brand new car unfavourably to somebody else's, & said that sitting in my car gave her a back ache!!! There was a very easy answer to that one...

WentForAWalk · 22/02/2023 14:47

If I took my friend week in week out to a club I would expect them to at least offer to pay something towards the petrol my time. I'd say no because I wouldn't need it but it's the offering that counts. It shows they aren't a selfish person and recognise that you are doing them a favour.