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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to give a friend lifts any more

244 replies

Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 09:32

So after dealing with shitty family, I'm now looking at friendships - I want to be more assertive and make sure I'm not being used and that I have a good support network

For the past few months, I have given lifts to my friend to boxing.
My friend doesn't drive so I take her. She doesn't pay towards fuel at all.and has never offered - although I have said she needs to start contributing to the cost

As the boxing class doesn't finish until 10.30 pm I told her that supermarket stops after class would not be happening going forward and she can sort that out herself as I'm not prepared to wait for her to do a full shop at that time which also delays me getting home. (I've done it twice and she's had me waiting over an hour!!)
She got very angry and said she needs to do her shopping
I told her that was not my problem and I also reminded her that going forward she needs to contribute to the cost of petrol as she wouldn't be able to get to class without my car.
She was not happy so I said that it was fine but I would meet her there next week as i was fed up of being taken advantage of and used.
She said she cannot afford the taxis as one way is £10. I told her that she can get a bus and we will meet there. They run til 11.30pm so she could get home too and if she wanted to go to the class she would manage it.
AIBU to stop giving her lifts anywhere and just meet her at the class?
I feel I've been clear that she's taking advantage but feel a but guilty.
DH said that she's taking the piss with expecting me to wait for her to go shopping and also not contributing any petrol money and he thinks I'm 100% right

OP posts:
WorkingFromHomeRocks · 22/02/2023 12:15

£25 in fuel sorry

MeatballHead · 22/02/2023 12:15

Block her now @Lonelygirl38 ,she's the kind to bombard you with shit

pishkashante · 22/02/2023 12:20

Handsnotwands · 22/02/2023 12:06

I wouldn’t charge a friend if it were a journey I was doing anyway.

but it doesn’t sound as though you like her so I guess she’s not a friend.

Even good friends who never out their hands in their pocket can be wearing.

I have a good friend of 20+ years who never offers petrol money and also accepts Starbucks etc but never reciprocates.

FlamingoQueen · 22/02/2023 12:20

I can’t believe that she ‘made’ you wait whilst she did her shopping. Bloody cheek. Well done for ditching her!

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 22/02/2023 12:27

LikeTearsInRain · 22/02/2023 11:34

I have assumed 40mpg

Timing I have assumed they live in a residential area driving to another town/city nearby via main roads and then urban/residential area roads to the final venue. I do a 16 mile drive to a friend every week in similar circumstances. About 25 mins door to door.

5 gallons of fuel at £1.40 a litre is about £32

Show quote history

Why have you assumed 40mpg? We don’t know the make and model of car do we? If we do, I apologise as I’ve missed that. Fuel in my town is more expensive than £1.40 per litre (again I’m assuming you mean petrol - the car could be diesel). We don’t know enough to state whether £25 is reasonable or unreasonable.

ididntwanttodoit · 22/02/2023 12:29

YAB a bit U. I don't see the problem with giving her a lift if you are going anyway. If she's not contributing, so what? You're not losing out. Where YANBU is in taking her shopping afterwards. Tell her you'll drop her at supermarket if she likes and she can make her own way home. If she is your friend, it's the least you can do. If she's just a random acquaintance that changes the dynamic.

gamerchick · 22/02/2023 12:30

A taxi costs a tenner for a 40 minute drive?

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 22/02/2023 12:32

Favours only work if both parties are on board and keep the dynamic alive and well.

So for the giver, if you're going anyway you give the lift graciously and enjoy the company (assuming it's not miles out of your way). Don't make the recipient grovel or use it as leverage to make unreasonable demands on them. Op has done all this for ages.

The recipient appreciates the favour, doesn't take the piss by doing stuff like keep you waiting when you arrive to collect, or assume they're entitled to keep you waiting an hour late at night while they shop. Offer petrol money from time to time, and if that isn't accepted shows appreciation in other ways like nice gifts at birthdays or whatever.

If recipient isn't appreciative (in whatever way they are able) or takes the mickey out of your generosity, the favour becomes a demand from an ungrateful cf and no longer nice to give as you feel massively taken advantage of.
In this case the recipient has damaged the dynamic and that's on them.

Well done op.

gamerchick · 22/02/2023 12:33

DahliaMacNamara · 22/02/2023 11:04

Are you sure you heard £14 for the taxi trip, OP? I've asked for quotes for a similar length of journey in the past, and it was more like £40.

This. 14 quid for a 40 minute drive doesn't make any sense at all.

FishandChipsarelife · 22/02/2023 12:34

Youre more polite than me OP,when she said 'I was thinking £10 at most' i would have said 'I was thinking you walk'

Cherrysoup · 22/02/2023 12:34

I am so amazed that she has the cheek to demand that you take her shopping afterwards-has she not heard of online shopping?

I have no doubt she will now become abusive. I would block her in your situation.

MinnieGirl · 22/02/2023 12:34

If you had been kind enough to offer to take me shopping after the class, I would be adding a bottle of Prosecco and a nice box of chocolates to my basket which would be handed over with £10 towards petrol.
Well done for calling her out

Leirvassbu · 22/02/2023 12:35

Whether the 25 pounds is too much or whether others wouldn't charge if they were going anyway, is irrelevant. When the OP said she wasn't prepared to take her to the supermarket and hang around waiting any more, the woman got angry with her. And that is not acceptable.
She is a cheeky fucker.

letthemalldoone · 22/02/2023 12:35

SunshineLoving · 22/02/2023 12:10

I don't agree with you. You are going to the club anyway. She is your friend. I don't understand why you wouldn't pick her up. I wouldn't ask her for petrol money either. Asking for petrol money from your friend when you're already going to the place is really wrong IMO.

I understand that you don't want to wait for her to do a food shop late at night but if I was you, I would be thinking about offering to pick her up when you do your food shopping.

You don't sound like friends at all.

Are you for real??!

Thesharkradar · 22/02/2023 12:38

I can't believe she got angry with you, I would have struggled to NOT punch her lights out, it is a boxing class after all 🤷
Jesus wept, grow a backbone please OP

clairelouwho · 22/02/2023 12:38

letthemalldoone · 22/02/2023 12:35

Are you for real??!

Show quote history

I think @SunshineLoving is the CF of the story.

Parky04 · 22/02/2023 12:40

You say she can get the bus both ways, yet it's a 40 minute drive and the last one leaves after 10:30pm. Something is not quite right!

MyPurpleHeart · 22/02/2023 12:42

ididntwanttodoit · 22/02/2023 12:29

YAB a bit U. I don't see the problem with giving her a lift if you are going anyway. If she's not contributing, so what? You're not losing out. Where YANBU is in taking her shopping afterwards. Tell her you'll drop her at supermarket if she likes and she can make her own way home. If she is your friend, it's the least you can do. If she's just a random acquaintance that changes the dynamic.

Enter CF no.3 of the thread

clairelouwho · 22/02/2023 12:44

For everyone saying that she shouldn’t charge anything as she’d be going anyway, why shouldn’t she charge?

The “friend” would have had to pay the cost of public transport or taxi if she wasn’t getting the lift, wouldn’t she? So she’d be saving quite a bit of money from not having to do that so why shouldn’t OP share some of those savings considering it is through her those savings are being made?

Or do you genuinely think that the “friend” in this story should just pocket all those savings whilst OP pays for all the fuel and costs towards her car that this leech is using to her entire benefit?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/02/2023 12:46

I'm really not understanding the people saying you shouldn't ask a friend for a contribution to the petrol/diesel money if you're going there anyway. Maybe if it's a one-off, but every week?

This changes a healthy adult-adult dynamic into an adult-child one, where it's assumed that the 'more mature' one is going to pick up all the costs; but that's so patronising and infantilising when the two people are peers.

As I said upthread, no reasonable person would tell the bus driver that they shouldn't have to pay as s/he is already going there anyway and the other people on the bus have already paid towards the costs.

Would people also say that, if two people moved into a flat-share, only one of them should pay for all of the water bill (if unmetered), gas & electricity standing charges, TV licence, Netflix account etc. - all of the charges that they would have to pay anyway if they lived alone (and needed/wanted to use the service)? Maybe that same person should also pay 75% of the council tax, and the other just 25%, as that's what the first person would be paying anyway if they lived there on their own.

If not, why should one of the two people regularly going to an event be expected to pay all of the transport costs and the other none of them, just because they are the one who happens to own the car and have a driving licence (and thus also have to do all of the driving whilst the other can sit there on their phone/read a book/sleep/have a drink at the place if they want to)?

Thesharkradar · 22/02/2023 12:46

Your friend can smell your guilt just like an animal smells fear, and when she smells it she knows there's a little gap that she can get her tentacles into make you do what she wants you to do.
There is no way that I would put up with this kind of shit, no-one who knows me would even try it with me.
Stop being so weak, you go to boxing classes to learn how to fight...right?

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 22/02/2023 12:48

Completely agree @clairelouwho for a one-off probably not.
For a routine weekly arrangement surely going halves on the petrol would be fair as it would then be mutually beneficial which for a long term arrangement would be best.

This CF would treat it like a taxi service then though, so not for that person. But in general...

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/02/2023 12:48

grow a backbone please OP

Read the full thread - or at least all of OP's posts. OP already has a backbone of steel!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/02/2023 12:51

Don't ask why should the 'friend' pay the costs incurred to do her chosen activity; ask why shouldn't she?

Even if it were a child, with no means to pay themselves, you would still expect their parents to pay on their behalf.

Original poster
Lonelygirl38 · 22/02/2023 13:04

For all the ones saying I'm being unreasonable and ripping her off 🙄 cars cost money to maintain. Petrol is a massive cost. Insurance. Tax. Mot. Etc etc etc plus my bloody time

I.never said she was shit at boxing i said its not my fault she struggles!! Honestly try actually reading and getting ur facts right before you repLy

As for lying about the messages I'm not giving that comment the time of day.

OP posts: