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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be upset if a TA said this to your child?

217 replies

Redsandyellows · 22/02/2023 09:00

He’s 4 years old.
He told me the class teaching assistant had told him to “stay in there and think about what you’ve done”.
I have had no issues with the school previously and it’s a highly rated school in the area.

When I asked what he had done to warrant this, he couldn’t tell me.
No one spoke to me at pick up about anything.

Its not a phrase we would use at home, so I was quite sure it had come from the school and then he mentioned the TA’s name so I’m adamant he wasn’t making it up.

She’s an older TA (been at the same school at least 20 years).

AIBU or is this inappropriate in such a young class?

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 22/02/2023 13:28

@MaryMcCarthy this is one of the reasons I left. I will never forget one time a parent complained to me that I'd upset their precious child when in fact I'd acted decisively on a trip when he was behaving very dangerously near a busy road and my actions basically had saved him. She should've thanked me for saving his life. Would she have rather I 'talked to him nicely' and have him die. It's just getting ridiculous now in education.

nc1013 · 22/02/2023 13:32

skywatch25 · 22/02/2023 12:55

I would not so much complain but ask the teacher or the TA about it.

I'd be more interested in finding out what my DC had done in terms of misbehaving.....only so I could have a chat with him to make sure it didn't happen again and so that he had a better understanding of what was inappropriate about what he had done.

If he's misbehaved and doesn't understand what he has done wrong he's not going to learn.

If my Dd misbehaves I often ask her to reflect on her behaviour....sounds like the TA has done the same. Only problem here is that you DS apparently doesn't know what was wrong with his behaviour....depending on what he had done this is potentially the bigger issue (ie if it should be obvious to him that it's not appropriate)

MaryMcCarthy · 22/02/2023 13:37

bakewellbride · 22/02/2023 13:28

@MaryMcCarthy this is one of the reasons I left. I will never forget one time a parent complained to me that I'd upset their precious child when in fact I'd acted decisively on a trip when he was behaving very dangerously near a busy road and my actions basically had saved him. She should've thanked me for saving his life. Would she have rather I 'talked to him nicely' and have him die. It's just getting ridiculous now in education.

It's just heartbreaking. I know several decent hardworking people who've thrown in the towel because the profession has become so demoralising in so many different ways. Demoralising and thankless. Schools are a place for development and growth but if the parents can't handle the sort of decisive actions that bring about development and growth, like discipline, the future is grim.

Seems like it's the parents incapable of disciplining their own children who take umbrage at the idea of anyone else disciplining them! I really do despair.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 22/02/2023 14:01

ancientgran · 22/02/2023 12:45

Well at least there is a shadow of a doubt because you don't know and I don't know if the child had a clue what he'd done wrong. It has already been said that the sitting out was for him to calm down (not sure how anyone on here knows if he was calm or not) and that he'd be told after sitting and thinking about it what he was supposed to be thinking about. School is still quite new, different rules to home so it is perfectly possible he didn't know what the issue was and perfectly possible that the TA, like people on here, assumed he knew what the issue was so she said what he said she said.

It's perfectly reasonable for the mother to ask so she knows what happened, the TA might realise she hadn't been clear and the mother can either support the school or the child depending on what she finds out.

Just as an example one of my children was very bright and loved learning, one year she got a teacher she didn't click with and one of the issues was the teacher was telling her she was a nuisance because she was finishing her work so quickly. Spoke to the teacher who hadn't realised that the message was confusing as child thought they were doing what they were supposed to do, getting on with their work, and in their mind they were being told off about it. We can all learn, even TAs with 20 years experience.

Show quote history

Just out of interest, what did you think the first word of my post meant? The word 'almost'?

BeaverLeader · 22/02/2023 14:08

Ashydee · 22/02/2023 11:30

Personally believe the TA or actual T of the class should have told u 100 %

^ Bless your heart. Have you ever been in sole charge of 30 4/5 year olds? I have and if we mentioned every transgression that had gone on we'd never get home. Kids that age push, shove, kick out, use mean words, poke and prod all day long with each other. It's constant gentle behaviour correction!

OP, Its obviously unusual enough of an occurrence to him that he felt it worth a mention. Which would suggest he's generally fairly evenly behaved at school.

If you're concerned, ask the staff "Geoff mentioned he got told off, is there anything I need to follow up with/reiterate behaviour wise at home?" But if the staff haven't already told you, it sounds likely it was minor, dealt with, and then moved on from. You'd be more mortified if you'd got "Geoff's mummy, can we have a word in a minute please" from the teacher 😂

GoldenCupidon · 22/02/2023 14:21

BeaverLeader · 22/02/2023 14:08

^ Bless your heart. Have you ever been in sole charge of 30 4/5 year olds? I have and if we mentioned every transgression that had gone on we'd never get home. Kids that age push, shove, kick out, use mean words, poke and prod all day long with each other. It's constant gentle behaviour correction!

OP, Its obviously unusual enough of an occurrence to him that he felt it worth a mention. Which would suggest he's generally fairly evenly behaved at school.

If you're concerned, ask the staff "Geoff mentioned he got told off, is there anything I need to follow up with/reiterate behaviour wise at home?" But if the staff haven't already told you, it sounds likely it was minor, dealt with, and then moved on from. You'd be more mortified if you'd got "Geoff's mummy, can we have a word in a minute please" from the teacher 😂

Show quote history

just to say your username reminded me of an ancient thread about inappropriate laughter where someone dissolved when a male colleague announced proudly: "my wife's a beaver leader!"

It comes back to me way too often.

BeaverLeader · 22/02/2023 14:30

GoldenCupidon Don't. Beavers. It's just never not funny talking seriously about beavers. Super beavers. Badge for my beavers. Beaver games. They could have gone with any other animal.

GoldenCupidon · 22/02/2023 14:33

BeaverLeader · 22/02/2023 14:30

GoldenCupidon Don't. Beavers. It's just never not funny talking seriously about beavers. Super beavers. Badge for my beavers. Beaver games. They could have gone with any other animal.

Oh my god, I see what you mean. I haven't had time for dinner as I've been busy with my beavers. Beaver trip. I'm worried about my beavers. Gosh.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 22/02/2023 15:24

Kids often confuse a stern voice with shouting

Supergirl1958 · 22/02/2023 17:04

NewNovember · 22/02/2023 10:57

No it's the opposite it's why we have young people with anxiety and mental health issues. Because disregulated behaviour in a four year is treated as naughty and an inconvenience and they should just go away and think about just how naughty they really are.

Show quote history

Really??? You read a snippet of one side of a story and make that conclusion? Someone further up said it perfectly, the child remembers word for word what the adult said to him but not what he was in trouble for…I find that bizarre!!

Supergirl1958 · 22/02/2023 17:07

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/02/2023 11:08

No it's the opposite it's why we have young people with anxiety and mental health issues.

So why are these issues increasing now that we have more parents who are unwilling to actually discipline their children, compared to the past when children were treated much more harshly?

I don't think how children were (sometimes) treated in the past was okay, btw. I just think that children and teens thrive with healthy boundaries and consequences for poor behaviour. A 4yo needs to know that some behaviour is unacceptable. Heck, a 2yo needs to know that!

Quite! Because if they don’t grow up knowing right from wrong, we’re gonna have a society of adults doing all sorts of wrong things in years to come! I see it everyday in my job…scary world we will live in…these kids are gonna take care of us all in nursing homes…

Supergirl1958 · 22/02/2023 17:09

bakewellbride · 22/02/2023 13:28

@MaryMcCarthy this is one of the reasons I left. I will never forget one time a parent complained to me that I'd upset their precious child when in fact I'd acted decisively on a trip when he was behaving very dangerously near a busy road and my actions basically had saved him. She should've thanked me for saving his life. Would she have rather I 'talked to him nicely' and have him die. It's just getting ridiculous now in education.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

CountryParsonPetal · 22/02/2023 17:25

Op you are in for a rocky ride during your child's school years if this has concerned you! The TA did absolutely nothing wrong.

cassgate · 22/02/2023 17:54

I am a TA and honestly op please don’t make this into a big deal. The TA has done nothing wrong. If it had been a serious misdemeanour then you would have been told. Children do stupid things all the time and they need to learn what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable. Taking a few minutes to sit and think about the actions helps them to learn. If we reported every incident to parents we would never go home. I work with upper KS2 children and sadly there are parents who complain about everything and will not accept that their children are not perfect. I wish we could film the children in the playground sometimes, just to show the parents exactly what they are like. I am good at my job but I am seriously thinking of getting out in the next year or so because of the massive decline in behaviour and the sheer lack of respect from children and parents.

Chias · 22/02/2023 21:33

This is such a non event. Your kid did something slightly naughty. He has forgotten what he did and I expect the TA has also forgotten. He was mildly annoyed at being told off. The TA’s response was completely within the normal range of responses: What is the issue? This is the kind of thing that happens multiple times across all schools every single day.

Elvis1956 · 22/02/2023 21:38

Sorry have I missed something here. He's obviously miss behaved, or done something wrong. Do you want he to get the cane instead, or to reason through what he did wrong.
I have a friend who's teenage daughter gets spoken to do badly...teachers tell he she's "rubbish and shouldn't bother with school as she'll never get a job". And you know what, the mum believes her and kicks off with the school...

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/02/2023 07:25

I have a friend who's teenage daughter gets spoken to do badly...teachers tell he she's "rubbish and shouldn't bother with school as she'll never get a job". And you know what, the mum believes her and kicks off with the school

I very well believe that unfortunately

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