Would you be upset if a TA said this to your child?

[Redsandyellows]

He’s 4 years old.
He told me the class teaching assistant had told him to “stay in there and think about what you’ve done”.
I have had no issues with the school previously and it’s a highly rated school in the area.

When I asked what he had done to warrant this, he couldn’t tell me.
No one spoke to me at pick up about anything.

Its not a phrase we would use at home, so I was quite sure it had come from the school and then he mentioned the TA’s name so I’m adamant he wasn’t making it up.

She’s an older TA (been at the same school at least 20 years).

AIBU or is this inappropriate in such a young class?

Couldn't agree more. Sounds like your child had done something he shouldn't and the TA dealt with it accordingly. By all means ask what he did, but I honestly don't see what the problem is.

Well, as I wasn't there, I have no idea if that is how it's played out... but if my child does something that warrants time out then yes.... we do the calming down bit first and then the chat. There's no point trying to have a chat with child who's wound up is there. It's pretty basic parenting I would have thought!

Yep but a bit pointless if they don’t actually know what they’ve done wrong!

OP it isn’t somebody I’d bother complaining about, schools move in mysterious ways and if you are up there every time they do something that seems pointless to you, you’ll be up there every week. If your child is happy and seems to be being taught, that is good enough in reception.

No wonder there are teachers leaving their posts!
For goodness sake, the title teacher 👩‍🏫 is wide reaching, not just writing and reading. Teaching to be decent and think about their actions is part of their job.
I tried to resist using the term snow flake … but jeez 🙄 this is how it happens!

Sit on a chair - OK
Stand in a gibbet - Not good

OP kindly if you are going to get upset at this level of reprimand from the school I think you are going to have a hard time. Other adults do not always speak to your child the way you would speak to them. You have to let things like this go.

depends where he was told to stay. There are so many instances of things happening during a school day that we can’t remember all of them, school pick up is busy. Perhaps speak to the TA and say “did something happen yesterday, DS says he was in trouble and told to think about what he did, what happened?”
At 4 years old they go through so many learning experiences it’s impossible to remember.

He’s ok then.
Children do spontaneous things — snatch a toy, push another child etc.. They have to learn actions and consequences — I run into the road, I get hit by a car, I play with matches, I get burnt are things you’d want to teach your child. Sitting a child down quietly for a few mi utes and telling them to think about what they’ve done helps the, to learn actions cause consequences. Doesn’t scare the child, no one’s screaming g or shouting.

I had to google what a gibbet was....😂don't think OFSTED would approve!

Could you not ask casually, DS mentioned yesterday that he needed to sit and think about what he’d done. Do you know what that was?

I do think kids (especially 3/4 year olds) want to tell us when they’ve misbehaved even if school don’t think it warrants pulling you aside to discuss at pick up. But his interpretation of the event might be quite different to reality. She might have said ‘come and take a seat and think about what happened there’ and (most likely) approached in an entirely reasonable way in light of whatever he’d done. She’s been there a long time, this isn’t her first rodeo!

I think perhaps it was the tone I was concerned about.
When he re-enacted it ti me it sounded like she had been shouting at him.

I'd love to know how this conversation even surfaced! Seems a very insignificant to be repeated unless it was last thing at home time and you were querying why he was late out.

And posters protesting about the 'punishment', let's hear YOUR solutions.

Not sure what they have done wrong. Self-reflection is positive at any age. Maybe he has forgotten, maybe he doesn’t want to tell you.

Bring back gibbets I say.
Fuck me I feel a bit "in my day we got beaten with canes and it did us no harm (it did, don't do it!)". But being told to think about what you've done isn't exactly harsh.
They haven't got time to talk to every kid about every incident. Your son was probably misbehaving and doesn't want to admit it to you.

Exactly.

It's completely reasonable and a good strategy to develop self discipline.

This! When I was little I used to deliberately not tell my parents stuff, because I didn’t want them to think badly of me, the OPs DS has done something wrong, it may be something and nothing, but at the moment, we seem to live in a society where teachers or TAs can’t discipline DCs for anything without being pulled up on it.

If a child does something they should not have surely sitting them down and asking them to think about what they did is teaching perfect reflection. I used this method with my kids sitting them in the comfy chair in hall thinking of how they could have made a better choice and kind words might make victim feel better. What do you do if your child pushes another child or snatches a toy they were playing with?

My 10 year old tells me I'm shouting at him when I as him to do something he doesn't want to do. I very rarely shout.

Ask the TA. Yes, she should have been specific about what he'd done. But you only have his word that she didn't say what the problem was. She could have told him and he's just zoned out. Our teenage DS sometimes get that blank look on his face that shows he's missed something you've said. Usually if you give him more than two instructions at once!

Kids are notorious for forgetting what they did or, at that age, not realising it was a problem. Especially if it's something that is allowed at home but isn't acceptable at school - like using a word that isn't nice but is said jokily at home or pushing a friend where they may get away with that with a sibling. Could be anything. Just ask. Otherwise you're setting him up for another telling off aren't you?

And I don't see any problem with telling a child to sit and think about what they've done. DS, at that age, told me a friend had pushed him and a new friend. Something didn't ring true so I questioned him and it turned out that the new friend had encouraged DS to join him in taking away the old friend's playground toys. Cue a quick chat about 'it's not right to hit or push and his old friend was wrong to do that (should have gone to the teacher etc). But how he would feel if his old friend did that to him' made him realise there are consequences to every action. A valuable lesson to learn.

I am sure the TA spoke firmly. What is the problem with her raising her voice?

I speak firmly and loudly to my class so they can differentiate between tones and meanings of tones.

This is the most batshit thread. She didn't do a thing wrong. What is there to be unhappy about?! You're concerned about her 'tone' from a child's re-enactment?

Could not pay me enough to be a teacher or TA.

Again, he knew exactly word for word what she said to him and what tone she said it in but mysteriously doesn't know what he was in trouble for? Do you genuinely think she would have told him off for no reason? He knew what he'd done wrong and didn't like being told off by the sounds of it

He is four. Four. You really can’t take his story hours later as gospel truth, much less start inferring things like TA tone or volume from his reenactment, especially as he almost certainly does know what he did wrong, he just doesn’t want to tell you that bit. Sometimes children report a normal voice or telling off as shouting. And occasionally he probably is going to get spoken to in a slightly raised voice (for example to get his attention from across the room if he’s doing something dangerous). I sincerely doubt she was hairdryering him Alex Ferguson style.

Honestly, unless it’s a repeated thing or your child is actually upset, just forget about it.

Yes, I might institute the thinking chair at home!