Would you be upset if a TA said this to your child?

[Redsandyellows]

He’s 4 years old.
He told me the class teaching assistant had told him to “stay in there and think about what you’ve done”.
I have had no issues with the school previously and it’s a highly rated school in the area.

When I asked what he had done to warrant this, he couldn’t tell me.
No one spoke to me at pick up about anything.

Its not a phrase we would use at home, so I was quite sure it had come from the school and then he mentioned the TA’s name so I’m adamant he wasn’t making it up.

She’s an older TA (been at the same school at least 20 years).

AIBU or is this inappropriate in such a young class?

I'm not surprised teaching staff are utterly fed up. They can't even discipline children without offending parents now.

Good grief, you are going to have a long journey through education @Redsandyellows

This is so true! I left my job last July and this was largely a reason.
And many of the parents of my old school didn’t discipline their own children either and took huge offence to us doing so.

God, get a grip. The TA sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Sounds like a mild telling off and the behaviour wasn't significant enough for the teacher to have a conversation with you about it.
I wouldn't be upset.

Another reason TAs are leaving in droves to go and earn more in Lidl.

You really have hit the nail on the head. I can literally pinpoint the decline in standards and behaviour at my school to the same time our SLT started to enforce restorative techniques rather than punitive ones and put the onus on what the teacher has done for that child to behave poorly rather than on the pupil themselves. I work in a secondary school so obviously not the same scale punishments as in a primary but the decline is happening across the board. I am by no means saying that punitive measures are the only way or appropriate way to deal
with behaviour but sometimes it is necessary and not having that in your “toolkit” makes the job pretty much impossible - for many it is now crowd control without any methods to control a crowd.
As recently as 6 years ago, we still had Saturday morning detentions run by the very senior leaders. These were only for severe, repeat offenders but they worked - after a couple of those their behaviour would usually improve.
In the past, pupils who always threw litter on the floor would be made to litter pick (with the proper equipment) at breaks and lunch - we are not allowed to do this anymore.
I am not a shouty teacher as I don’t find it works for most pupils, especially not when used all the time but there is the odd time when it is useful and effective but we are not allowed to do this either.

Instead, last year a colleague of mine had to
have a restorative meeting with parents, pupil and head of year because of how many homework detentions she was giving. He never did his homework for any subjects and she was following the school policy (other teachers were not and giving him
extra chances so as not to have to deal with the fallout). The meeting ended with her having to give a list of strategies
of how she (the teacher) was going to modify her homework and expectations etc to encourage the pupil to do the homework - nothing from pupil or parents. She left teaching after 20 odd years a few months later.

I have been accused by a parent of victimising their child because i
issued a punishment in line with school policy because they purposefully injured another child in the classroom. I had never even issued a detention or had a cross word
with this pupil before. They wrote a formal letter of complaint about me personally because they didn’t agree with that their child should receive any punishment.

I was physically assaulted when pregnant last year and was essentially told not to make a fuss because he’s an emotional child who had a test in a different subject that day. I did not even receive an apology from the parents or pupil, never mind any kind of consequences.
If pupils see a vulnerable member of
staff assaulted and know there have been no consequences that is not going to do their mental health any favours knowing that they could be the next target and the teachers are powerless!

We are not doing our children any favours by teaching them that this is okay - I fear some who have been protected from any type of consequence by parents are going to find themselves in real trouble when they leave
school.

It sounds normal to me. My youngest would swear blind she doesn't know what she'd done wrong but the school usually gave me a different account!

100% this.

There is zero chance I will ever go back to teaching. I don't how colleagues keep doing it.

Do you never discipline your child at all?

Well at least there is a shadow of a doubt because you don't know and I don't know if the child had a clue what he'd done wrong. It has already been said that the sitting out was for him to calm down (not sure how anyone on here knows if he was calm or not) and that he'd be told after sitting and thinking about it what he was supposed to be thinking about. School is still quite new, different rules to home so it is perfectly possible he didn't know what the issue was and perfectly possible that the TA, like people on here, assumed he knew what the issue was so she said what he said she said.

It's perfectly reasonable for the mother to ask so she knows what happened, the TA might realise she hadn't been clear and the mother can either support the school or the child depending on what she finds out.

Just as an example one of my children was very bright and loved learning, one year she got a teacher she didn't click with and one of the issues was the teacher was telling her she was a nuisance because she was finishing her work so quickly. Spoke to the teacher who hadn't realised that the message was confusing as child thought they were doing what they were supposed to do, getting on with their work, and in their mind they were being told off about it. We can all learn, even TAs with 20 years experience.

This

Don’t think you can surmise she was shouting at him op, that’s a bit much. I’d be more concerned he won’t tell you what he did. Speak to the school and don’t jump to it’s the ta’s fault.

Doesn’t sound too bad to me. Regarding age of TA, our experience was the opposite as the younger teacher was especially clueless in Reception. Some schools are uber focused on ‘compliance’ - if they want herdable sheep they shouldn’t be working with 4-6 yr olds

I would not so much complain but ask the teacher or the TA about it.

Gosh - either your child didn’t know what he’d done or he knew very well and didn’t want to tell you !

TAs phrase is one that’s been in use for donkeys years .. it gives both parties an opportunity to cool down and reflect and can be followed up by a chat about the behaviour.

I find it’s always a good idea with children to hear both sides of the story .. the truth is often somewhere in between

Why go to the school? It doesn't matter what he did, it was obviously not acceptable at school and he will learn that. And at four years of age, he knows what he did.

In our house the conversation would have gone,
"Teacher told me to sit on a chair and think about what I did"
"What did you do? "
"I don't know"
"Well don't do it again"

<waits for all the gentle mummies to self-combust>

Exactly this. The whole 'I can't remember' when asked why you were told off is a classic.

Nothing wrong with what she said. Ask the school what he had done? Kids can be naughty at 4.

The children of the ‘gentle mummies’ will grow up to be overly introspective, humourless and intense, and struggle with the knocks that daily life offers you without the help of a counsellor and ‘mental health support’.

We’ve never been so soft and ‘supportive’ as a country and yet so mentally unwell and miserable with it.

Do you really think a 4 year old can imitate the tone of an adult woman, hours after the event? Especially one who says he can remember why he was told to reflect on his actions?

if he can, enter him in a talent show as a mimic

Yes, but what the OP asked @ancientgran wasn't whether we thought he/she should ask the TA what happened. The OP asked whether we thought the discipline was inappropriate from an 'older TA' (whatever that implies). The answer to that is No, it's reasonable.

And 'should I ask the TA what happened' has such an obvious answer if your child doesn't know what they did wrong, that the question would be ridiculous!

As a parent you find out what the issue was before asking if a punishment is appropriate or not surely! Otherwise you're just saying your child can do no wrong and any discipline is 'inappropriate' aren't you?

I can’t really comprehend threads like this.

this is literally I don’t know what he did, I don’t know where he was made to sit other than a chair, but I’ve decided she was shouting and said something inappropriate so the issue is her.

surely it’s speak to the ta and say what did he get up to yesterday then, anything I need to be aware of.

because appropriate discipline of kids is critical . Making it it doesn’t matter babes, it’s wrong for you to get into trouble will result in an older child and adult that’s intolerable

This thread has made me genuinely angry!

You don't know what your kid did.

Your kid won't even admit what they did. Do you think that's a good sign?

So of course you are being unreasonable. Absurdly unreasonable.

Do you not think teachers have it hard enough as it is, without this nonsense? In my day if parents were in the school complaining every time a kid was told off then there would be multiple parents in the school every single day.