Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 21/02/2023 16:22

I voted YABU but only because you can't post that without telling us what it is!

ItsaMetalBand · 21/02/2023 16:23

It really depends on the secret.

Great grandad was a bank robber - maybe ok as long before your time.
His dad is a convicted sex offender or murderer or the family are a criminal gang, yeah, pack your bags.

Original poster
Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:23

@Rumplestrumpet obviously if I do that it will be outing! To me it's very disturbing. I don't know if my reaction is called for but that is how I feel

OP posts:
RainbowZebraWarrior · 21/02/2023 16:24

I don't know as I don't know what the secret is. One person's shocking is another person's not so shocking.

If it's a deal breaker for you, then there's your answer.

Original poster
Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:24

@ItsaMetalBand it's nothing criminal or illegal, I don't think. But it makes me highly uncomfortable for me and dc. Mainly because of their attitude to it all

OP posts:
Johnisafckface · 21/02/2023 16:25

Regardless of the secret, I wouldn't marry someone I've been recently having problems with.

sunshinesupermum · 21/02/2023 16:25

Can't say TBH as too little info but if you're already having concerns about DP anyway I think you've answered your own question.

Pottedpalm · 21/02/2023 16:25

Johnisafckface · 21/02/2023 16:25

Regardless of the secret, I wouldn't marry someone I've been recently having problems with.

This.

Kinneddar · 21/02/2023 16:26

Really noone is going to be able to say if YABU when we don't know what the secret is. It's pretty pointless asking when you won't say any more

Original poster
Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:26

It's more like this secret not only makes me want to cut off ties with dp but have no relations to his family. I just don't know if its all a massive exaggeration on my behaf

OP posts:
whytesnow · 21/02/2023 16:27

It's not his fault?

ponyinmud · 21/02/2023 16:27

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:26

It's more like this secret not only makes me want to cut off ties with dp but have no relations to his family. I just don't know if its all a massive exaggeration on my behaf

But if you don't know...I'm not sure how anyone here can help you, apart from say follow your gut.

Ragwort · 21/02/2023 16:27

If you feel uncomfortable about the secret and you were already having some problems then yes, cancel the wedding. Particularly as you have your existing DC to think about.

Iwillbuymyselfflowers · 21/02/2023 16:28

Sounds like you were already looking for an excuse to leave, and now one has arrived you'd like to grab it immediately. Just leave, OP.

Ithinkimthebfg · 21/02/2023 16:28

It’s not criminal illegal and it’s not his fault? Sounds like you don’t want to marry him.

heldinadream · 21/02/2023 16:28

Who was it secret from? Did DP know and keep it secret from you or had it been kept secret from him?
And what does he think about it, shocking or no big deal?

Original poster
Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:28

@whytesnow no it's not. But dp has made me feel that his family is better than mine as I come from a broken home and he doesn't. Now I've learnt this and I think it's explains to me why dp is the way he is but also that his family really aren't perfect as he makes them out to be

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:29

@heldinadream he knew and kept it from me. The reveal was outsourced by an old time friend

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/02/2023 16:29

Depends. My dh has some absolute bastards for ancestors but that doesn't bother me because I think they were very much a product of their time/circumstances. Plus they're dead so highly unlikely to show up at family parties ranting about immigration/rights for women etc.

Minimalising/hiding the crimes of a close family member especially if something like rape/csa I'd find a lot harder to understand.

Is it something like historical ties to the slave trade?

Ragwort · 21/02/2023 16:30

If you feel that strongly then follow your instincts ... you are clearly feeling uncomfortable about the situation and you are obviously having second thoughts about marrying him... so it doesn't really matter what random mumsnetters might think ...

BluIsTheColor · 21/02/2023 16:30

It's cycling, isn't it!

rothbury · 21/02/2023 16:30

Surely you can give some indication of the issue without completely outing yourself???

Kranke · 21/02/2023 16:30

Do you really want to marry someone that makes you feel bad about your family and upbringing? Someone who says his family are better than yours? I wouldn’t and that is regardless of any ‘secret’.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/02/2023 16:30

Well, none of us can help you if you don't want to say what it is (which is fair enough, by the way - you don't have to share!)

You might be massively overreacting or you might be being entirely reasonable.

Personally, I can't quite think of anything that would be that shocking and off-putting that isn't illegal.

Unless it's something like cousin marriage, I suppose, but that's quite common in some communities so it wouldn't be so outing that you couldn't tell us.

heldinadream · 21/02/2023 16:30

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:29

@heldinadream he knew and kept it from me. The reveal was outsourced by an old time friend

So he must have known you wouldn't like it? But what does he think about it? Does he agree with you?
Does he know you now know?