Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
Grizzledstrawberry · 21/02/2023 16:45

Cousins in a sexual relationship? Or something else, if totally depends, I mean a step-dad and step-daughter wouldn't be illegal (if of age) but that's totally different to two consenting adult cousins.

There's married cousins in my family, everyone accepts it as it is, I can imagine at first it wasn't so well accepted (married before I was born so not 100%) I mean what are the family meant to do, disown them all, you can disagree with something but still have a relationship with them, they aren't hurting anyone after all.

hekissedmybottom · 21/02/2023 16:45

It sounds like you don't want to marry him anyway. I got married last year, now police and courts are all involved. I didn't want to do it and wished at every second I could have just not done it. But I did. I regret it more than anything.

Just walk away. It's not a crime.

TheShellBeach · 21/02/2023 16:46

Ithinkimthebfg · 21/02/2023 16:43

Well she actually wrote that.

But dp has made me feel that his family is better than mine as I come from a broken home and he doesn't. Now I've learnt this and I think it's explains to me why dp is the way he is but also that his family really aren't perfect as he makes them out to be

like literally that’s what she wrote. So yes you’re right 😂

Show quote history

That'll teach me.

Grin
Cocobutt · 21/02/2023 16:46

If it is his mum and dad are siblings or his mum’s dad is also his dad and she was abused - then it’s worse than 2nd cousins having a baby but at the same time I’d understand why he would want it to be a secret.

WinterFoxes · 21/02/2023 16:47

BluIsTheColor · 21/02/2023 16:30

It's cycling, isn't it!

LOL.

If my DH had kept from me that he came from a die hard family of MAMILs, it would have been ducks in a row for me.

bellylaughsalldaylong · 21/02/2023 16:47

You don’t want to marry him OP.

The cousin thing is a red herring

WinterFoxes · 21/02/2023 16:47

Is he his own grandpaw?

Twentypast · 21/02/2023 16:49

ItsaMetalBand · 21/02/2023 16:23

It really depends on the secret.

Great grandad was a bank robber - maybe ok as long before your time.
His dad is a convicted sex offender or murderer or the family are a criminal gang, yeah, pack your bags.

Even if his dad is a convicted criminal it's not the son's fault.

My father went to prison and it was nothing to do with me. I was judged about it and lost my best friend as her mother decided she shouldn't socialise with me.

TheShellBeach · 21/02/2023 16:49

If you don't want to marry him, OP, you do not have to do so.

FightingFatAt49 · 21/02/2023 16:50

You can feel however You want, but you've said it's not illegal so likely it's a matter of opinion as to whether it's acceptable or not

LaMarschallin · 21/02/2023 16:50

WinterFoxes · 21/02/2023 16:47

Is he his own grandpaw?

Smile
SirVixofVixHall · 21/02/2023 16:52

If it is a cousin marriage then it is both legal and not uncommon. My DH’s grandparents were second cousins.

Ithinkimthebfg · 21/02/2023 16:52

rothbury · 21/02/2023 16:44

Incestuous would be illegal surely?

Unless you mean it’s cousins? That’s not uncommon and something I could do no more than raise an eyebrow over.

Me neither, I mean I’d find it a bit weird in a younger generation but I’d not pass judgment, older generation, no more than an eyebrow twitch,

at the end of turn of the 1900s about 4 percent of all marriages were first cousin and 5 percent of nobility. Plus I know in certain cultures it’s still very common today.

it’s repeated generational first cousin marriages that causes the genetic defect issue.

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 21/02/2023 16:52

Ragwort · 21/02/2023 16:27

If you feel uncomfortable about the secret and you were already having some problems then yes, cancel the wedding. Particularly as you have your existing DC to think about.

This. If you're already having problems you'd be crazy to marry him.

And it doesn't matter what the secret is, don't tell people if you don't want to.

maddy68 · 21/02/2023 16:53

Twentypast · 21/02/2023 16:49

Even if his dad is a convicted criminal it's not the son's fault.

My father went to prison and it was nothing to do with me. I was judged about it and lost my best friend as her mother decided she shouldn't socialise with me.

Show quote history

This. Why would the deeds of someone else be the DPs fault ?

GiveMeStrengthNow · 21/02/2023 16:53

Come on a brief idea of the secret @Whatheheck I doubt it's that outing at all....

So the family are closely related to your and you didn't know you were marrying your brother by a different mother?

Not criminal and not his fault - then born into the problem or related to the problem related to Prince Andrew or Prince Harry. Boris Johnson's love child?

billybear · 21/02/2023 16:53

i once worked with an older lady,she came in to work one day a real mess crying etc, her husband had done some thing terrible it went on for weeks we kept having a guess what it was. he was about 60 years old,we did had an affair.cross dresser/stolen something, she would not tell us what it was,nearly drove us mad. she left. then he died so we never found out

Original poster
Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:53

@TheShellBeach hit the nail on the head really. Just feels like a massive dynamic shift. I've been made to feel inferior for my family.

OP posts:
SoonBeTeaTime · 21/02/2023 16:54

Yeah the milk thing is weird, who does that ? 🤣

Is the incest a recent thing or are we talking generations ago? Is the being inbred going to impact your child genetically? I mean it isn't your husband's fault if there is that in his family. I'm sure if people delve into family trees many will find cousin marriage, I wouldn't be surprised if a few generations back there was a bit of that in my family, I'm not aware there is but I wouldn't be shocked.

BaggieMaggie · 21/02/2023 16:54

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:35

@TomatoSandwiches they put the milk in before the tea bag as well

Disgusting. Forget the incest, I’d never marry into a family who put the milk in before the tea bag 🤢

CanofCant · 21/02/2023 16:55

He and his family shouldn't make you feel inferior. I think for that alone you shouldn't marry him.

ReneBumsWombats · 21/02/2023 16:56

Well, even without full details, it seems you didn't like him much beforehand and now you like him and his family even less. So marrying him would seem very foolish. This incest stuff might not be his fault but it's changed the way you feel about him and you didn't like him even before you found out.

Ithinkimthebfg · 21/02/2023 16:56

SirVixofVixHall · 21/02/2023 16:52

If it is a cousin marriage then it is both legal and not uncommon. My DH’s grandparents were second cousins.

Agree and it’s also not his fault.

It’s very very rude and ignorant to call the children in bred. They are not inbred, inbreeding is first or second degree relative, which extends to niece, aunt, grand parent etc, it is not inbred for a one off cousin marriage.

BigglyBee · 21/02/2023 16:56

BaggieMaggie · 21/02/2023 16:54

Disgusting. Forget the incest, I’d never marry into a family who put the milk in before the tea bag 🤢

Show quote history

They use tea bags? LTB. No time for rows of ducks, go now!

octoberair · 21/02/2023 16:56

If it was a cousin thing from a couple of generations ago, I don't think I'd care. If you think they've made a habit of it, however, and might like to continue it as some sort of tradition, that would put me off. But as others have said, the bigger problem is that he's made you feel that your family is inferior to yours.