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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/02/2023 16:57

If you're having doubts about DP then don't get married. Don't use this whole 'secret' drama thing as an excuse. Every family has secrets, and I bet your's does too.

UpperStreetGirl · 21/02/2023 16:57

The child you speak of - is it his?

Can you explain how this info is a risk to your child - as that is valid.

pizzaHeart · 21/02/2023 16:57

voted YABU but only because you can't post that without telling us what it is!
this^ it’s impossible to say without knowing what it is and what generation is involved and how your partner is involved also.
My Dad was alcoholic, he just gave up drinking when I met DP of course I didn’t tell my DP about it, after about 3 years together I mentioned the problem with alcohol, yesterday I told him about the extent of the problem. We are married for 26 years. It’s a very difficult topic for me.

By the way after reading your update about milk before tea bag I agree with @RosaBonheur no chance I could live with this daily torture.

GotABeatForYouMama · 21/02/2023 16:57

Dinkleberg · 21/02/2023 16:38

I mean cousins marrying would make me uncomfortable (you have the same grandparents 🤢) but it's not illegal and some don't consider it a big issue.

Surely it would be just 1 set of shared grandparents.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/02/2023 16:57

The thing is, OP, assuming it's cousin marriage and not actual incest (as you've said nothing illegal), the "secret" doesn't make his family inferior either.

It isn't a competition about whose family is better. The real issue here is not the "secret" at all, but rather his sneery superior attitude towards your own family.

Just walk away. You don't have to deal with this.

GiveMeStrengthNow · 21/02/2023 16:58

Do they put the cream on the scone first or the jam. Devon and Cornwall major divide - it has started wars in the past.

ThreeRingCircus · 21/02/2023 16:58

Regardless of the secret, if you've been made to feel uncomfortable or inferior and you're already having arguments with your partner then cut your losses now. It's not a good foundation for marriage.

butterfliedtwo · 21/02/2023 16:59

Johnisafckface · 21/02/2023 16:25

Regardless of the secret, I wouldn't marry someone I've been recently having problems with.

Quite.

Boopydoo · 21/02/2023 16:59

TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 16:33

Do they put the Jam on a scone first OP?
It's never too late to leave x

that's the only proper way!

DaisyDucks · 21/02/2023 17:00

If it puts you off him then no one is going to force you to marry him.

if you want a proper opinion on the secret then tell us what it is.

if not just move on and crack on with your life.

Zanatdy · 21/02/2023 17:00

Cousin marriage is no big deal. Not enough to put you off marrying someone. I found out my kids cousin’s parents are 1st cousins. So what? Not to my taste but they’ve 5 healthy kids.

FinnRussell · 21/02/2023 17:00

Secret or not, none of the way you talk about this man or his family makes me think this is a good basis to get married.

UdoU · 21/02/2023 17:00

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:33

It something incestuous. With inbred children being involved. I already felt they had a very concerning attitude to soke very questionable relationships within the family.

They are of a white British culture. So it confuses me and quite frankly makes me really uncomfortable

Pretty sure incest is reviled in all cultures Hmm

Wonnle · 21/02/2023 17:01

They aren't Chelsea supporters are they ?

BigglyBee · 21/02/2023 17:01

Marriage can be hard enough when you start off with complete certainty. Signing up for a lifetime together if that isn't what you really, truly want would be madness. Obviously, you can be certain and still wrong, but if you aren't sure then don't do it!

Perhaps this is a relationship that you feel is worth working on, and counselling might help. Or perhaps this is just not the man for you. Only you can know that, but I do think that at the very least you should cancel the wedding and not consider setting a new date until your major issues have been ironed out.

CecilyP · 21/02/2023 17:03

Also genetically incest causes genetic mutations and issues in DNA, if he is born from it or involved in that way be wary if you plan on children. Could crop up some poor health

No it doesn’t! Cousins can share the same sets of recessive genes having 2 grandparents in common. This can be the cause of disabilities. If he is healthy and OP is in no way related to him, then there is no risk whatsoever.

BlueSeaWave · 21/02/2023 17:03

It would depend on the reasons he hid it from you and his reaction now. If it will affect you and your children or not, as you are marrying him not necessarily your family if it’s something he’ll protect your children from. But if he defends it then it shows where his loyalties lie and then game over.

DNBU · 21/02/2023 17:04

There are incestuous relationships within the family, and no one in the family is bothered? Yeah that’s weird

LaMarschallin · 21/02/2023 17:04

Boopydoo · 21/02/2023 16:59

that's the only proper way!

Show quote history

Quite!
Jam on first means you can pile on as much cream as will balance, whereas jam second squashes the cream and some will fall off.
Firmest item on first. It's the only way.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/02/2023 17:05

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

I'm going to set the shocking secret aside. Do NOT marry someone you're "having problems" with because marriage won't make it any better.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/02/2023 17:05

UdoU · 21/02/2023 17:00

Pretty sure incest is reviled in all cultures Hmm

Show quote history

I think the OP was probably responding to my comment about cousin marriage being common in some cultures. Which it is.

Incest, as you say quite rightly, is not. However, I suspect that, in this scenario, the OP is somewhat confused between the two.

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 17:05

you say yourself their is no crime involved, so what gives you the right to thisnk it is so shocking?

Fifthtimelucky · 21/02/2023 17:05

If you're having problems, don't get married. But if it's cousins marrying, I wouldn't call that a shocking secret or consider it a deal-breaker.

I wouldn't want to do it myself but I know someone who did. I think it was more common years ago.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/02/2023 17:08

DNBU · 21/02/2023 17:04

There are incestuous relationships within the family, and no one in the family is bothered? Yeah that’s weird

The OP said nothing illegal, so it pretty clearly isn't incest.

It's got to be cousin marriage. Personally, I find that idea a bit grim, but it's perfectly legal so why should they be bothered. Surely it's just their normal.

GiveMeStrengthNow · 21/02/2023 17:09

So you have found out there are some people in the family that are 'inbred' in your words. Well it's not the fault of the children and perhaps that's why they keep it quiet? The reaction from you speaks volumes and the 'inbred' children/adults don't need you shaming them. Sometimes there are incestuous relationships in families father/daughter/sisters and again not the children's fault. If your husband has done anything wrong and had an incestuous relationship then fair enough. If he is related to someone born of that type of relationship then what can he do? It was very common in years gone by especially in Royal circles and aristocracy... they married each other. Look at the Royal family history.

You don't want to marry him then don't.