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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 22/02/2023 23:51

Whichwhatnow · 22/02/2023 18:11

Hmm.

My mum's sister is married to their uncle.

We have multiple drug dealers knocking around in our immediate family.

My (kind of) godfather was a London gangster who carried out one of the most notorious crimes of the early noughties.

My dad was a meth addict who was (probably, not openly acknowledged) a rent boy after being kicked out by his alcoholic parents at 14.

My point is - your DP's family secret is (assuming it is married cousins) pretty minor compared to others. I would just let this go.

My mum's sister is married to their uncle

To their uncle? Like, the brother of one of their parents?

That sounds illegal and freaky unless you’re going to say he’s a step-uncle, or a brother of one of their uncles/aunts by marriage, or some other type of uncle in name only.

NotAScoobyDo · 22/02/2023 23:56

BluIsTheColor · 21/02/2023 16:30

It's cycling, isn't it!

😆 MAMIL

chaosmaker · 23/02/2023 00:02

UdoU · 21/02/2023 17:00

Pretty sure incest is reviled in all cultures Hmm

Show quote history

Didn't royalty have to have incest to keep the bloodline pure?

pigsinoodies · 23/02/2023 00:17

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 22/02/2023 23:51

My mum's sister is married to their uncle

To their uncle? Like, the brother of one of their parents?

That sounds illegal and freaky unless you’re going to say he’s a step-uncle, or a brother of one of their uncles/aunts by marriage, or some other type of uncle in name only.

Show quote history

Or maybe not everyone lives in the UK?

Sugarfree23 · 23/02/2023 00:45

chaosmaker · 23/02/2023 00:02

Didn't royalty have to have incest to keep the bloodline pure?

Show quote history

Royalty married other Royalty.
Queen Victoria had many children, her and Albert had a plan of uniting Europe through Royalty, her children married into other European Royal families.

Hence Prince Philip who's mother was born at Windsor Castle was Prince of Denmark and Greece, but has links to Germany too. He was also Uncle to the Queen of Spain, one of his sisters daughters.

Fraaahnces · 23/02/2023 00:48

And look at Prince Charles!!! 🤭

Seriously, Prince Philip’s mum was quite bonkers. Quite a few of them had haemophilia as well.

CallieQ · 23/02/2023 00:53

Wishingwell51 · 22/02/2023 22:07

Here’s the truth about incest that people keep trying to skate around as to not feel guilty about practicing it, as long as a person shares blood/DNA with each other, the type doesn’t matter, and if they become intimate with each other then it’s incest. The fact that they’re cousins, brothers, sisters, or uncles even several times removed doesn’t mean a thing because all that matters is that they match in blood and DNA alone for it to become incest. The only difference is between if it’s moral, ethical or legal in the confines of the law. People who practice incest are morally bankrupt and likely think that what they’re doing is not wrong or they know it’s wrong but do it anyway because they don’t care about it’s all about themselves and their needs. If your gut is telling you not to marry this guy then don’t do it. You should listen to your instincts because it can save you from making a long regrettable mistake.

Ignorant Goady post

Cousins marrying is not incest, it is legal

magicthree · 23/02/2023 00:56

In one post OP says she doesn't think it is illegal or criminal, then she later says it is incest with inbred children.

We can't possibly comment with such vague detail, but if it is cousins marrying then that isn't illegal and why on earth would it put her off someone's family - it isn't even something to be ashamed of, and as for her DP not telling her, why should he?

If it is people with a closer relationship then it is indeed illegal.

Sugarfree23 · 23/02/2023 01:07

@Fraaahnces
Philips mum was quite something. She spent a long time in a mental hospital - but was she really unwell? While his Dad fucked off.

Elizabeth and Philip were 3rd generation cousins. Their Grandparents were first cousins, parents 2nd cousins, them 3rd.

Really how many people know who their 2nd & 3rd cousins are? If you live in the same area you could easily met them and not know. Many people will have 2nd / 3rd cousin marriages in their family tree and not know until they start researching

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 23/02/2023 01:36

pigsinoodies · 23/02/2023 00:17

Or maybe not everyone lives in the UK?

Show quote history

Huh, you learn something new every day I guess. Had no idea ‘avunculate marriage’ was legal in so many places. 😐

DaSilvaP · 23/02/2023 03:38

GreenFritillary · 22/02/2023 22:35

This OP reminds me of a woman I know, a very very distant relative of the Royals, impoverished, on benefits, and emotionally deprived, who is forever creating drama with various iffy characters and endless lies, to get the equally endless attention she needs.

You might be onto something there ...

Hmm1234 · 23/02/2023 06:41

What is it incest? Someone is pretending to be family members parent when really they are grandparent? Adopted children secrets?

Notsoivorytower · 23/02/2023 07:02

You had me at 'secret' - if you can't trust him and he doesn't trust you enough to tell you and be honest - no thanks!

Sounds like you already had your reservations.

I think you have your answer!

louise5754 · 23/02/2023 07:19

So it's not actually cousins having kids together.

The issue could be much worse or even less.

People can't really offer their perspective if they don't know exactly what the issue is.

Also if it's something to do with his parents / aunts / uncles / grandparents then it's hardly his fault.

You don't need any excuse to end it.

CecilyP · 23/02/2023 07:49

Wishingwell51 · 22/02/2023 22:07

Here’s the truth about incest that people keep trying to skate around as to not feel guilty about practicing it, as long as a person shares blood/DNA with each other, the type doesn’t matter, and if they become intimate with each other then it’s incest. The fact that they’re cousins, brothers, sisters, or uncles even several times removed doesn’t mean a thing because all that matters is that they match in blood and DNA alone for it to become incest. The only difference is between if it’s moral, ethical or legal in the confines of the law. People who practice incest are morally bankrupt and likely think that what they’re doing is not wrong or they know it’s wrong but do it anyway because they don’t care about it’s all about themselves and their needs. If your gut is telling you not to marry this guy then don’t do it. You should listen to your instincts because it can save you from making a long regrettable mistake.

Whatever you do, don’t google the Rothschilds! You’d probably spontaneously combust!

CecilyP · 23/02/2023 07:53

magicthree · 23/02/2023 00:56

In one post OP says she doesn't think it is illegal or criminal, then she later says it is incest with inbred children.

We can't possibly comment with such vague detail, but if it is cousins marrying then that isn't illegal and why on earth would it put her off someone's family - it isn't even something to be ashamed of, and as for her DP not telling her, why should he?

If it is people with a closer relationship then it is indeed illegal.

Well quite! Maybe it’s not even a secret. A friend told OP as per gossip. Perhaps he didn’t think it important enough to mention, rather it being kept a secret.

Billybea · 23/02/2023 08:43

I think you’ve answered your own question. You don’t feel comfortable marrying into the family and calling them family, plus you’ve been having problems in your relationship. I remember having second thoughts getting married on my wedding day! I was 22 but went through with it. I left him 2 years later which wasn’t fair on him. Hindsight & all that. So move on.

Evan456 · 23/02/2023 10:41

Cousins marrying is not incest, it is legal

it is actually

budlea64 · 23/02/2023 11:05

They're massive Tory's aren't they?
Bin him.

TheCatch · 23/02/2023 12:52

Evan456 · 23/02/2023 10:41

Cousins marrying is not incest, it is legal

it is actually

Just because it's still legal based on an age old law doesn't mean it's any less disgusting. Would you marry YOUR 1st cousin? how many in your circle is married to their cousin?

Evan456 · 23/02/2023 14:35

I was quoting another post, it is actually is my comment

Evan456 · 23/02/2023 14:36

TheCatch · 23/02/2023 12:52

Just because it's still legal based on an age old law doesn't mean it's any less disgusting. Would you marry YOUR 1st cousin? how many in your circle is married to their cousin?

Show quote history

It wasn’t my post

Sugarfree23 · 23/02/2023 15:05

@TheCatch
How is it disgusting?
I can easily see why a couple could develop a relationship with their cousin. Not everyone is close to their cousins as children.

I know second cousins who married, wasn't until they announced their engagement that older family members put the pieces together and they realised they were related.

Madamum18 · 23/02/2023 16:30

TheCatch · 23/02/2023 12:52

Just because it's still legal based on an age old law doesn't mean it's any less disgusting. Would you marry YOUR 1st cousin? how many in your circle is married to their cousin?

Show quote history

Why on earth is it disgusting?

CecilyP · 23/02/2023 17:41

You’ve not met TheCatch’s cousins!