Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 16:37

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:35

@TomatoSandwiches they put the milk in before the tea bag as well

Heathens!

Dinkleberg · 21/02/2023 16:38

I mean cousins marrying would make me uncomfortable (you have the same grandparents 🤢) but it's not illegal and some don't consider it a big issue.

Ithinkimthebfg · 21/02/2023 16:38

Ragwort · 21/02/2023 16:37

Why are you questioning how you 'ought' to feel? If it makes you uncomfortable... whether it's illegal or not then own your response and cancel the wedding.

Couple of generations ago it was quite common, and before that very common. It is now very common still in some cultures.

Ithinkimthebfg · 21/02/2023 16:39

I think the question is how old are these cousins op? When did they marry?

Merryoldgoat · 21/02/2023 16:39

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:28

@whytesnow no it's not. But dp has made me feel that his family is better than mine as I come from a broken home and he doesn't. Now I've learnt this and I think it's explains to me why dp is the way he is but also that his family really aren't perfect as he makes them out to be

This would be enough to stay away frankly. He’s clearly a tool.

Greenfairydust · 21/02/2023 16:39

''@Whatheheck · Today 16:33
It something incestuous. With inbred children being involved. I already felt they had a very concerning attitude to soke very questionable relationships within the family.

They are of a white British culture. So it confuses me and quite frankly makes me really uncomfortable''

I just read your update. Sounds dodgy and I would not want to be part of a family like this. I know it is unfair on your partner but you have to put yourself first.

PillBoxes · 21/02/2023 16:39

Does it involve a tribe of people known for moving from place to place?

TheShellBeach · 21/02/2023 16:39

I get the impression that your DP thinks your family is in some way inferior to his, and now you've found out about the "secret" you realise that his family is worse.

Amirite?

ElfHasBeenSilly · 21/02/2023 16:40

I wouldn’t like this at all! YANBU.

OhmygodDont · 21/02/2023 16:40

How many cousin marriage’s/ breedings would be quite the thing too tbh. For your husband own genes passing on.

ApolloandDaphne · 21/02/2023 16:40

Cousins marrying: not a problem.

Grandad/dad/uncle sexually abusing a female member of family and maybe a concealed child: definitely a problem.

TheShellBeach · 21/02/2023 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hearmeout · 21/02/2023 16:41

I'm not sure what skin colour how to do with it, but the fact is, rightly or wrongly, when you marry a person, you marry their family too in some degree. Even if you were completely no contact with those people, you become part of their heritage and part of their family tree. If you've doubts then don't marry.

TonTonMacoute · 21/02/2023 16:41

TBH there seem to be so many reasons not to go through with this marriage, the family secret merely sounds like the last straw frankly.

flutterbyebaby · 21/02/2023 16:41

His mum and dad are 1st cousins?

Ithinkimthebfg · 21/02/2023 16:41

PillBoxes · 21/02/2023 16:39

Does it involve a tribe of people known for moving from place to place?

Very doubtful.

im guessing this is grandparents, great aunt and uncle,great grandparents, that kind of thing.

nowadays in many communities it’s very frowned on. Years ago it wasn’t, I had a great aunt and uncle who were first cousins and married, I’d not class their offspring inbred. They’d be about 120 now if alive. Then it was ok.

whattodo1975 · 21/02/2023 16:42

Iwillbuymyselfflowers · 21/02/2023 16:28

Sounds like you were already looking for an excuse to leave, and now one has arrived you'd like to grab it immediately. Just leave, OP.

100% this, you are wanting out and just trying to give yourself a reason, this "secret" is all just you looking for a get out of jail free card.

Hope551 · 21/02/2023 16:42

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:33

It something incestuous. With inbred children being involved. I already felt they had a very concerning attitude to soke very questionable relationships within the family.

They are of a white British culture. So it confuses me and quite frankly makes me really uncomfortable

Oh hell no. Incest and not worried or bothered about this history? Don't know full details but I'd back away. Also genetically incest causes genetic mutations and issues in DNA, if he is born from it or involved in that way be wary if you plan on children. Could crop up some poor health

Ithinkimthebfg · 21/02/2023 16:43

TheShellBeach · 21/02/2023 16:39

I get the impression that your DP thinks your family is in some way inferior to his, and now you've found out about the "secret" you realise that his family is worse.

Amirite?

Well she actually wrote that.

But dp has made me feel that his family is better than mine as I come from a broken home and he doesn't. Now I've learnt this and I think it's explains to me why dp is the way he is but also that his family really aren't perfect as he makes them out to be

like literally that’s what she wrote. So yes you’re right 😂

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/02/2023 16:43

The thing is, OP, while first cousin marriage is a pretty shit idea from a genetics point of view, it is entirely legal in this country. So you might be shocked but they haven't actually done anything wrong. Also, there isn't much point in judging your partner on the basis of decisions that his parents or other family members may have made. What difference do you think it is actually going to make to you and your children?

If you really love him and want to marry him, then this doesn't need to be a barrier. If you want out of the relationship, you don't need any excuses. If he makes you feel that your family isn't good enough, it sounds like he might not be very nice anyway?

Cocobutt · 21/02/2023 16:43

If it’s something like dad had an affair then I could get past it.

If it was something like dad is a convicted peado and he’s let my kids around him, then I couldn’t get past it.

Hope551 · 21/02/2023 16:43

Also I was thinking brother sister or parents 😂 may of jumped the gun. If it's distant cousins ignore the defect post

rothbury · 21/02/2023 16:44

Incestuous would be illegal surely?

Unless you mean it’s cousins? That’s not uncommon and something I could do no more than raise an eyebrow over.

RosaBonheur · 21/02/2023 16:44

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:35

@TomatoSandwiches they put the milk in before the tea bag as well

Well this changes everything.

Incest I can cope with, but this is a bridge too far.

LTB.

Dinkleberg · 21/02/2023 16:45

Is it just one generation of cousin marriage or several? Because research has shown that the risk of genetic abnormalities DOES increase, but only if there are several generations of cousin marriages. There was a Panorama documentary about it.