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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandfather smacked DS bottom

667 replies

ranblungs · 21/02/2023 14:35

DS can have meltdowns/big tantrums, usually when he's very tired. More so when he's at his grandparents' house (ex's parents). They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now.

ExDP did live with them but moved our two weeks ago.

DS (aged 4) told me yesterday evening that grandad had smacked his bottom because he was being naughty and that it "really hurt" he got upset as he was telling me and cried. I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent.

DS also can play up at bed time when he is there and he told me that grandad pushes him back onto the bed for being naughty at bed time.

I'm not sure what to do next?

They are huge sources of childcare, ExDP is supposed to have him two nights per week but often works away so they will have him. They also help out during the week as/when needed.

The relationship between us was once very strained when DS was tiny.

I am furious that he has hit my child. Am I overreacting as it was just a smack on the bottom?

DS can be very challenging there.

OP posts:

donttellmehesalive · 21/02/2023 14:36

I don't think you are overreacting. I would not want them to have ds unsupervised again.

UnluckyPennsatucky · 21/02/2023 14:37

He wouldn’t be looking after my kid again. He’s a bully and needs handcream shoved onto his nose

NancyJoan · 21/02/2023 14:38

He has hit your child, stop using him for childcare.

Grizzledstrawberry · 21/02/2023 14:38

Personally I would be fuming and it would be the last time they had contact with my child, or atleast unsupervised contact.

I don't hit my children, its unnecessary and just plain shitty parenting in my book so if anyone else took it upon themselves to harm my child I would hit the roof big time.

Wnikat · 21/02/2023 14:38

Maybe your DS is challenging at their house because they are arseholes to him? He’s confided in you. Listen to him. Don’t send him there again.

Original poster

ranblungs · 21/02/2023 14:39

Thank you. I'm glad I'm not overreacting.

My issue is, without them I cannot work.

OP posts:

NumberTheory · 21/02/2023 14:40

You aren’t over reacting. If DS is generally lots more challenging for them they probably weren’t a great place for him even without this.

What options do you have?

Will ex support you in finding alternative care or is he just going to use them anyway?

Hont1986 · 21/02/2023 14:42

Personally I would remind them that you don't want any smacking but I wouldn't cut them off unless they refused to stop.

Original poster

ranblungs · 21/02/2023 14:43

NumberTheory · 21/02/2023 14:40

You aren’t over reacting. If DS is generally lots more challenging for them they probably weren’t a great place for him even without this.

What options do you have?

Will ex support you in finding alternative care or is he just going to use them anyway?

I pay for all the childcare. So no, he wouldn't arrange alternative care.

OP posts:

greenspaces4peace · 21/02/2023 14:44

You could discuss it with them and say that smacking even on the bottom is no longer acceptable. And tell them how you want challenging behavior dealt with.

Lockheart · 21/02/2023 14:44

How is your relationship with them now? Have you spoken to them about this and made it clear they are not to smack your son?

GoldDuster · 21/02/2023 14:45

DS can be very challenging there

DS is probably reacting to the fact that he doesn't feel safe there. He is letting you know with his behaviour that he is not ok. He is also telling you that he is not ok, you have to believe him.

You absolutely cannot justify an adult pushing and hitting a child because their behaviour is challenging.

I get it, have been a single parent for a big chunk of my DC lives, and yes they are a huge source of childcare for you but they sound ilke they're a huge source of unacceptable behaviour around your child too, which I would not tolerate for any reason.

Believe him.

GoldDuster · 21/02/2023 14:46

If they were a cheap childminder and they were pushing him and smacking him, would you continue to send him there?

The fact that they are your ex's parents makes no odds to your child.

MadeForThis · 21/02/2023 14:49

Could you make it clear to them that smacking is not acceptable and if he does it again you will refuse contact.

In his generation smacking was normal. It doesn't make it right but he is using what was probably his normal form of discipline.

If you cannot work without their childcare then it's worth a conversation.

LittleRedTomato · 21/02/2023 14:49

Hi OP,

You have an added problem in that this is straightforwardly illegal in the UK. If he mentions this at nursery/school, they will have to act on it, so you'd better act first.

I'm aware somebody is about to come on the thread and state confidently that I'm wrong, because of 'reasonable chastisement' in England. But reasonable chastisement is only a defence if someone with PR is doing the smacking. Otherwise, it's just plain old assault, no matter if the child was playing up at the time.

Mamansparkles · 21/02/2023 14:51

Honestly, they are presumably post retirement age? They have told you in the past they are struggling with him, you admit he has challenging behaviour and it sounds like your ex leaves a lot to them. And they come from a generation where a smack on the bottom was a normal and acceptable method of disciplining a naughty child.
I don't think you can jump to 'they are terrible people'. You can choose to talk to them about how you prefer to discipline him and explain it isnt done these days. You can choose to not have them provide your childcare (sounds like it would be a relief for them).
So you aren't overreacting if that isn't how you want your son disciplined, but you also can't really 'blame' them when they have been very clear they are struggling with him and neither you nor your ex has come up with alternative childcare arrangements.
All this 'he wouldn't see my child again' stuff is an overreaction. If they were allowed to see him as a grandchild not as childcare then they would likely not have to deal with the challenging behaviour and you could more easily set parameters around how he is and isnt to be disciplined.

MelaniesFlowers · 21/02/2023 14:53

You don’t know what to do next? You stop allowing these people to abuse your child is what you do next.

No unsupervised contact as they are not safe to be around.

NumberTheory · 21/02/2023 14:54

If your ex is using them for childcare on his nights with them, and is unlikely to find this unacceptable you might have a hard time protecting your son. I would start by speaking calmly to your ex and the grandparents, pointing out that spanking isn’t acceptable anymore, thats its illegal in Scotland and Wales and the only reason it isn’t illegal here (assuming you are in England) is because the government don’t think its appropriate to criminalize parents who cant cope, not because it’s okay. If they might be open to it, provide them with alternative ways to get him to do things that work well with him.

I would also take legal advice on how a court might view him being left with caregivers who smack and, if it looks feasible, consider trying to get/change a contact order to prohibit them being used as childcare if the aren’t receptive to changing their behaviour.

Original poster

ranblungs · 21/02/2023 14:57

Neither of them are retired, they are both around 50.

Thank you for your responses. I will have to give up my job but yes I do need to protect my son.

I 100% believe him. I have no doubt that he is being truthful.

OP posts:

Tandora · 21/02/2023 14:59

I would be beyond upset and furious. As PPs have pointed out - to granddad this is probably normal behaviour (and probs how he was raised), however it is totally unacceptable. You could try talking to them, but if this is normal childrearing in their eyes , I doubt they will really listen/ take your concern seriously.
I would continue the relationship and try to forgive them, but I would never trust them to care for my small child unsupervised again. Sorry OP but you are going to have to find an alternative arrangement.

Itcouldhappenabishop · 21/02/2023 15:02

My mother smacked my son once.
She did not do it again. I informed her I would call the police to report an assault if she ever laid a finger on my kids.

diddl · 21/02/2023 15:05

to granddad this is probably normal behaviour (and probs how he was raised)

I would say that this is doubtful as Op has now pointed out that he is only around 50.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2023 15:08

ranblungs · 21/02/2023 14:57

Neither of them are retired, they are both around 50.

Thank you for your responses. I will have to give up my job but yes I do need to protect my son.

I 100% believe him. I have no doubt that he is being truthful.

Is there any accommodation your work could make in the short term?

Mariposista · 21/02/2023 15:09

The grandparents need to know that smacking isn’t an approved disciplinary method, and the kid needs to learn to bloody behave himself!

SeriouslyLTB · 21/02/2023 15:12

What an absolute nightmare.

Before you stop working have you checked benefit entitlement/free childcare hours?

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