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Original poster

Grandfather smacked DS bottom

667 replies

ranblungs · 21/02/2023 14:35

DS can have meltdowns/big tantrums, usually when he's very tired. More so when he's at his grandparents' house (ex's parents). They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now.

ExDP did live with them but moved our two weeks ago.

DS (aged 4) told me yesterday evening that grandad had smacked his bottom because he was being naughty and that it "really hurt" he got upset as he was telling me and cried. I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent.

DS also can play up at bed time when he is there and he told me that grandad pushes him back onto the bed for being naughty at bed time.

I'm not sure what to do next?

They are huge sources of childcare, ExDP is supposed to have him two nights per week but often works away so they will have him. They also help out during the week as/when needed.

The relationship between us was once very strained when DS was tiny.

I am furious that he has hit my child. Am I overreacting as it was just a smack on the bottom?

DS can be very challenging there.

OP posts:
Bigbadfish · 21/02/2023 15:14

Can you actually stop contact if they're your Exs parents? I would weigh up everything.

SVRT19674 · 21/02/2023 15:15

diddl · 21/02/2023 15:05

to granddad this is probably normal behaviour (and probs how he was raised)

I would say that this is doubtful as Op has now pointed out that he is only around 50.

I am 48 and most of my peers and I got a smack on our bottoms for misbehaviour and talking back. It was absolutely the normal growing up in the 80s. My husband wasn´t smacked but more emotionally manipulated, so not sure which is worse.

Fundays12 · 21/02/2023 15:16

I would be livid and probably tell them if it happens again he won't be going. However you have said yourself your child has challenging behaviour. You and your ex need to address that asap. At 4 he is nearly school age.

Fundays12 · 21/02/2023 15:18

Fundays12 · 21/02/2023 15:16

I would be livid and probably tell them if it happens again he won't be going. However you have said yourself your child has challenging behaviour. You and your ex need to address that asap. At 4 he is nearly school age.

Apologies you said challenging there. Though this still needs approached and you and your ex need to find out why.

Emmamoo89 · 21/02/2023 15:18

I don't think they're terrible people. To stop him going there. Just tell them not to smack him.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 21/02/2023 15:19

I was battered as a child(so were my parents as kids) and I would never ever ever hit my daughter. Ever.

If my parents so much as laid a hand on my daughter the world never see her again. Work or no work.

Starlitestarbright · 21/02/2023 15:19

Why do you have to give up work op can you not find another job to work around the school hours and pay childcare?

MelaniesFlowers · 21/02/2023 15:19

Bigbadfish · 21/02/2023 15:14

Can you actually stop contact if they're your Exs parents? I would weigh up everything.

Of course she can. Why wouldn’t she be able to? Confused

toastofthetown · 21/02/2023 15:22

MelaniesFlowers · 21/02/2023 15:19

Of course she can. Why wouldn’t she be able to? Confused

Show quote history

Because the ex is responsible for their son during his contact time and he can leave his son unsupervised with his parents if he wants to. The OP doesn’t get to control who her son has contact with when she’s not with him. She can stop using them for childcare on her time though.

Ceilingplaits · 21/02/2023 15:23

They're very young, not so elderly that they don't know hitting children is unacceptable (not that age is an excuse).

I think it sounds difficult as your ex is using them as childcare, so your son is at the mercy of your ex's wishes.

I'd talk to them, explain what they're doing is illegal and say you understand it's difficult for them so can you come up with consistent strategies together.

If they aren't open to listening and stopping the hitting, you will have to find alternatives unfortunately, though I'm not sure how you can prevent your ex leaving your son with them.

gerispringer · 21/02/2023 15:23

Perhaps you could let the GPs know the best way of dealing with his meltdowns that doesn’t include smacking. Give them a chance , but maybe they’d be glad of the obligation to provide free childcare.

bellylaughsalldaylong · 21/02/2023 15:25

I’m 38 and would get a smack on the back of the legs. Seems likely that they will have been raised that way too.

have a chat with them and tell them not to smack him and then monitor it from there.

i wouldn’t be handing in your resignation straight away.

Bigbadfish · 21/02/2023 15:26

@MelaniesFlowers You are aware that she can't control her ex? Can you really not see how an issue may arise here?

Bigbadfish · 21/02/2023 15:27

It may not be illegal.

It is unlawful for a parent to smack their child in England except where this may amount to 'reasonable punishment'. This defence is included in section 58 of the the Children's Act 2004 - but the law is somewhat grey in that it doesn't define exactly what 'reasonable punishment' might consist of.

It all depends on where OP lives.

MeridianB · 21/02/2023 15:29

You're not be oversensitive. This would make me really sad - and angry.

A grown man hitting and pushing a four-year-old he's supposed to be caring for? What a bully he is.

You should be really proud of DS for telling you.

Is there no way your ex can give you money for childcare for his days if he's away? Presumably your DS will be starting school in September. I know that's some way off, but will it make things easier?

And yet again there are posters saying 'Smacking is probably normal for older people'. Really? There are no excuses for hitting small children. Everyone knows this is no longer acceptable.

Soubriquet · 21/02/2023 15:32

We found out my MiL was smacking my dd. She never had contact again.

Extreme maybe, but she was incredibly abusive to dh growing up. Like smacking him with a wooden spoon and breaking it abusive.

I was always apprehensive about MIL having any of the dc because of her she was, but dh was quietly confident she wouldn’t dare lay a finger on either child.

Unfortunately, he was wrong. She kept protesting it was on a smack on the bum/ tap on the hand, but that’s how it starts.

We are completely no contact with her

PatientlyWaiting21 · 21/02/2023 15:40

I honestly couldn’t care how much it cost me in childcare, my child would not be going there.

Original poster
ranblungs · 21/02/2023 15:45

His behaviour was challenging at theirs, but it's resolved. We did find out that it was because he was missing me. I also had some health problems and had a fit in front of him, which unsettled him for a while.

He attends nursery full time but I work 12.5 hour shifts so I need the childcare around nursery hours.

If I had the funds I would get a nanny, but I don't.

Thank you for all your points, I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:
icefishing · 21/02/2023 15:52

I would talk to them first before making any decisions.
I'm younger than them and was smacked on bum growing up and so were most of my friends.
I didn't do this to my dc but I know some parents who did.
I would get them to talk through what happened and when it happened. Then be really clear that you aren't okay with it happening again and see what their responses are.
You can then make a final decision on what to do based on that.

Bigbadfish · 21/02/2023 15:54

How would you finically support you and your son if you quit?
Pretty sure UC doesn't kick in if you quit without reason.

This isn't something you can make a snap decision over.
Especially if it's your Exa parents and they are going to have easy access to him anyway.

Communication is definitely the way to go. Especially if you don't hold all the cards.

SpinningFloppa · 21/02/2023 16:02

Happened with my own mum she smacked my son once I didn’t talk to her for a long time and she didn’t look after him again for a long time we spoke about it and she has never done it again

Ilovelurchers · 21/02/2023 16:22

Depending on your financial situation, quitting your job with nothing to go to may put you, and therefore your son, in financial hardship. And it will not even necessarily prevent them from looking after your child, as your ex may still decide to use them as childcare.

I think you need to speak to your ex in the first instance. Does he share your views on smacking? If so, he may well be the best person to speak to his parents - make it clear to them that you are a united front on this and go from there.

I think there are many people who, while they are not personally opposed to smacking, would avoid it if asked to by the child's own parents. Hopefully this applies
to these grandparents, but your ex us in the best position to know this.

I do understand your extreme distress of course. Any form of smacking of children appalls me personally, and I'd be horrified if someone had smacked my child at that age. But I think you need to think calmly and logically now if you can. Good luck.

Flamingogirl08 · 21/02/2023 16:24

Mamansparkles · 21/02/2023 14:51

Honestly, they are presumably post retirement age? They have told you in the past they are struggling with him, you admit he has challenging behaviour and it sounds like your ex leaves a lot to them. And they come from a generation where a smack on the bottom was a normal and acceptable method of disciplining a naughty child.
I don't think you can jump to 'they are terrible people'. You can choose to talk to them about how you prefer to discipline him and explain it isnt done these days. You can choose to not have them provide your childcare (sounds like it would be a relief for them).
So you aren't overreacting if that isn't how you want your son disciplined, but you also can't really 'blame' them when they have been very clear they are struggling with him and neither you nor your ex has come up with alternative childcare arrangements.
All this 'he wouldn't see my child again' stuff is an overreaction. If they were allowed to see him as a grandchild not as childcare then they would likely not have to deal with the challenging behaviour and you could more easily set parameters around how he is and isnt to be disciplined.

This

Sapphire387 · 21/02/2023 16:28

He smacked him on the bottom, he didn't give him a beating. You don't agree with smacking, just make it clear to them that you don't want them to use that as a method of chastisement. No need for all this banning them from looking after him at this stage, in my opinion. Surely you can have a conversation with them.

Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 21/02/2023 16:34

@diddl I'm just 40 and was snacked regularly (more than once a week) with hands, shoes and wooden sticks kept for the purpose, so I wouldn’t agree that he’s too young to have done this in his parenting days……..