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Original poster

Grandfather smacked DS bottom

667 replies

ranblungs · 21/02/2023 14:35

DS can have meltdowns/big tantrums, usually when he's very tired. More so when he's at his grandparents' house (ex's parents). They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now.

ExDP did live with them but moved our two weeks ago.

DS (aged 4) told me yesterday evening that grandad had smacked his bottom because he was being naughty and that it "really hurt" he got upset as he was telling me and cried. I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent.

DS also can play up at bed time when he is there and he told me that grandad pushes him back onto the bed for being naughty at bed time.

I'm not sure what to do next?

They are huge sources of childcare, ExDP is supposed to have him two nights per week but often works away so they will have him. They also help out during the week as/when needed.

The relationship between us was once very strained when DS was tiny.

I am furious that he has hit my child. Am I overreacting as it was just a smack on the bottom?

DS can be very challenging there.

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 21/02/2023 19:48

OMG you do not need to give up your job because he got a smack on the bottom, if indeed he did. If it bothers you that much mention it to them

Emmamoo89 · 21/02/2023 20:17

isadoradancing123 · 21/02/2023 19:48

OMG you do not need to give up your job because he got a smack on the bottom, if indeed he did. If it bothers you that much mention it to them

I agree

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 21/02/2023 20:24

isadoradancing123 · 21/02/2023 19:48

OMG you do not need to give up your job because he got a smack on the bottom, if indeed he did. If it bothers you that much mention it to them

I also agree

WinterMusings · 21/02/2023 20:31

Bigbadfish · 21/02/2023 15:27

It may not be illegal.

It is unlawful for a parent to smack their child in England except where this may amount to 'reasonable punishment'. This defence is included in section 58 of the the Children's Act 2004 - but the law is somewhat grey in that it doesn't define exactly what 'reasonable punishment' might consist of.

It all depends on where OP lives.

@Bigbadfish

theyre grandparents though, so not sure they get the exemption.

o was a child in the '70's. I think I was smacked (not hit) twice, but when
i was told if I carried on I'd get a smack, was the point at which I knew I was pushing my luck!

I loved my parents , I wasn't scared of them & children weren't feral little buggers or snowflakes.

OP you say 'challenging'. Try 'naughty' & do something about it. Instead of getting lots of free childcare and not listening when they say he's too much!

Ask them not to smack him again, but don't expect them to be happy being 'told off' for parenting him how they patented their children.

WinterMusings · 21/02/2023 20:37

GoodChat · 21/02/2023 17:36

It's incredible how many people use the "it's not illegal" argument. That's only because people are cunts.

There's no excuse to hit a young child.

OP speak to your work and see if you can amend yours hours temporarily.
Speak to your ex and see what he says. If he's ok with child abuse, it might not help, but he might be willing to start pulling his weight otherwise.

Do you have a relationship with your parents? Could you speak to nursery staff and see if anyone would babysit outside of nursery hours?

It's not child abuse, and frankly that just minimises the actual abuse some children are subject too. It was a smacked bottom.

Emmamoo89 · 21/02/2023 20:38

WinterMusings · 21/02/2023 20:37

It's not child abuse, and frankly that just minimises the actual abuse some children are subject too. It was a smacked bottom.

Show quote history

I agree with this also

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/02/2023 20:39

diddl · 21/02/2023 15:05

to granddad this is probably normal behaviour (and probs how he was raised)

I would say that this is doubtful as Op has now pointed out that he is only around 50.

And therefore 10 in about 1984. Corporal punishment in schools was still legal - banned in state schools in 1986, in independents in 1999. So although it was dying out, it was still around, and wasn’t viewed with such horror as it is nowadays.

GoodChat · 21/02/2023 20:40

@WinterMusings if your husband slapped you he'd be an abuser.

flutterbyebaby · 21/02/2023 20:46

WinterMusings · 21/02/2023 20:37

It's not child abuse, and frankly that just minimises the actual abuse some children are subject too. It was a smacked bottom.

Show quote history

So it would be ok if someone slapped you if they didn't like something you did?

flutterbyebaby · 21/02/2023 20:47

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/02/2023 20:39

And therefore 10 in about 1984. Corporal punishment in schools was still legal - banned in state schools in 1986, in independents in 1999. So although it was dying out, it was still around, and wasn’t viewed with such horror as it is nowadays.

Show quote history

I'm in my 50s and was leathered at home and in school by nuns, I've never thought hitting kids normal

BlueVinca · 21/02/2023 20:54

Nor have I. I'm 52 and smacking was normal when I was a kid where I grew up and it was still done in my primary school, but I'm not aware of any of my friends doing it and I didn't either. I think it should be illegal. It sounds like they're struggling. Does the child's dad have to work away on his days?

BlueVinca · 21/02/2023 20:56

I mean could he look for other work?

IneedanewTV · 21/02/2023 21:11

Is there a link to your child’s challenging behaviour and the long hours they spend in child care (full time) and at the grandparents. Could you and your ex review your hours as it does sound very tough for your child.

Fordian · 21/02/2023 21:28

Yes, you have to give up your job.

silverclock222 · 21/02/2023 21:36

WinterMusings · 21/02/2023 20:31

@Bigbadfish

theyre grandparents though, so not sure they get the exemption.

o was a child in the '70's. I think I was smacked (not hit) twice, but when
i was told if I carried on I'd get a smack, was the point at which I knew I was pushing my luck!

I loved my parents , I wasn't scared of them & children weren't feral little buggers or snowflakes.

OP you say 'challenging'. Try 'naughty' & do something about it. Instead of getting lots of free childcare and not listening when they say he's too much!

Ask them not to smack him again, but don't expect them to be happy being 'told off' for parenting him how they patented their children.

Show quote history

Totally agree

Fordian · 21/02/2023 21:39

isadoradancing123 · 21/02/2023 19:48

OMG you do not need to give up your job because he got a smack on the bottom, if indeed he did. If it bothers you that much mention it to them

I think the responses on here make it clear that she does have to leave her job, and that she must never allow this 4 year old to be in the company of the grandparent, ever again.

She must find ways of supporting herself and child given this.

It's pretty cut and dried.

Emmamoo89 · 21/02/2023 21:44

Fordian · 21/02/2023 21:28

Yes, you have to give up your job.

I wouldn't leave my job over it.

Fordian · 21/02/2023 21:48

Well, what option does she have? A whop on her challenging behaviour'ed son's arse (we assume it wasn't a ritualised flogging) results in all this- the trust is gone, she needs to withdraw her son. Okay, to her massive inconvenience, etc; but if talking about it isn't on the cards, what are her options?

LizzieW1969 · 21/02/2023 22:01

FictionalCharacter · 21/02/2023 17:15

For a parent. He is not the child’s parent.
@LittleRedTomato explained the legal situation upthread.

Show quote history

^This. It makes no difference how he himself views smacking as a form of discipline. He isn’t the parent so he’s completely out of order.

helloimnew123 · 21/02/2023 22:03

So many people on here are ridiculous and over the top.

Speak to them. Ask them what happened.
Im sure its not just made it up, but kids can have a weird perception of situations. Make it clear that nothing like that should happen while he is in their care.

They obviously love him and spend considerable time with him. Imagine how devastated they would be if they knew you were planning to stop them from seeing him.
If they have made a mistake, they should be given the opportunity to explain and rectify.

Do you really believe they want to harm him?

Emmamoo89 · 21/02/2023 22:06

Fordian · 21/02/2023 21:48

Well, what option does she have? A whop on her challenging behaviour'ed son's arse (we assume it wasn't a ritualised flogging) results in all this- the trust is gone, she needs to withdraw her son. Okay, to her massive inconvenience, etc; but if talking about it isn't on the cards, what are her options?

She needs to talk to them. I wouldn't stop my sons grandparents seeing their grandson if they smacked him on the bum imo.

WarningToTheCurious · 21/02/2023 22:08

They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now.

I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent.

Funny that.

icelolly12 · 21/02/2023 22:26

First and foremost you need to be your child's protector and advocate. This at the very minimum means sitting down and having a tough conversation with the GP being very clear that you will not tolerate this- they are not allowed to hit him under any circumstances as this is assault and dangerous as a four year old can be hurt physically and mentally by a 'smack'. 😠 Give your preferred methods for when he's being naughty/playing up including at bedtimes.

Fordian · 21/02/2023 22:30

icelolly12 · 21/02/2023 22:26

First and foremost you need to be your child's protector and advocate. This at the very minimum means sitting down and having a tough conversation with the GP being very clear that you will not tolerate this- they are not allowed to hit him under any circumstances as this is assault and dangerous as a four year old can be hurt physically and mentally by a 'smack'. 😠 Give your preferred methods for when he's being naughty/playing up including at bedtimes.

...but be prepared if they decide to withdraw all childcare as a result.

icelolly12 · 21/02/2023 22:36

If a childcare worker/teacher was told about this the GP's would be reported to social services. Maybe make that clear too.

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