Grandfather smacked DS bottom

[ranblungs]

DS can have meltdowns/big tantrums, usually when he's very tired. More so when he's at his grandparents' house (ex's parents). They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now.

ExDP did live with them but moved our two weeks ago.

DS (aged 4) told me yesterday evening that grandad had smacked his bottom because he was being naughty and that it "really hurt" he got upset as he was telling me and cried. I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent.

DS also can play up at bed time when he is there and he told me that grandad pushes him back onto the bed for being naughty at bed time.

I'm not sure what to do next?

They are huge sources of childcare, ExDP is supposed to have him two nights per week but often works away so they will have him. They also help out during the week as/when needed.

The relationship between us was once very strained when DS was tiny.

I am furious that he has hit my child. Am I overreacting as it was just a smack on the bottom?

DS can be very challenging there.

Just talk to him. He’s your family member ffs! It was normal in that generation to smack. It’s viewed differently now - by some. A lot of parents still smack bottoms they just don’t admit it on here. If you’d been a parent in the 70s or 80s you’d have probably been like everyone else and smacked your kid’s bum. Not everyone will agree but I don’t think it’s a big deal although you’re making it one with the help of the drama brigade on here

This is illegal in Wales. This man is in his 50’s, even if brought up by abusive parents, it is really not normal to smack kids.

My child would not be going there again. 100%. I would be considering calling the police to be honest.

Calling the police is a bit ott

I was thinking to support the application to court for DS not to go to exh’s unless they could guarantee he was never left with GPs

This is one of the many times I realise I don't really belong on here. Many of the children I know get the odd smack on the bum from parents and grandparents, and probably get pushed back into bed if they keep getting out and pissing about. I'm in my 40s and it was totally normal when I was little. We did not care even a little bit.

If you don't like it and you don't want your DS going there that's perfectly reasonable. But all the shock and horror seems a bit unnecessary to me.

I'm 55 and a Grandparent who looks after my adorable but tantruming toddler several days a week (he's just hit that stage and yes it's a bit wearing at times)
I don't (and will never!) ever smack him. Nor was I smacked as a child .

But I do think MN is prone to over reaction. Grandfather was wrong. No doubt about it.. hitting children is always wrong. But have a conversation! Ask if they are struggling, and how YOU deal with difficult behaviour so that you are all working in the same way.

I work with children who have severe autism and highly challenging behaviour and we have management plans.. which basically means we talk to parents and figure out what works for them, what doesn't work (equally important!).

If they genuinely cannot manage his behaviour then yes, you will probably need to change jobs, but if it was a one off through sheer frustration I would be reluctant to lose a job if a conversation about HOW to look after him , would resolve things.

Your child is going to suffer worse from the loss of money to your family either t her through loss of ear ings or childcare, not to mention being looked after by people who love and are genetically Incested in him

To give up your only source of income over this, in the current economic climate, and as a single parent, would be a huge overreaction. I suspect many of the people suggesting this would not take their own advice if they were in your position.

You do need to speak to them though, and your ex, and make it very clear that this is unacceptable, and if you find out that this has happened again that you will stop DS from seeing them.

Well he’s a grandparent so can’t you have a basic conversation with him to sort this out ?
Also, since you know your child can be challenging and they’re struggling, what have you and your ex done about it ?
Have you actually listened to the grandparents ?

I’m not for a second saying it’s right to hit a child but it does sound like they’re at the end of their tether.

Perhaps you’re best to look for alternative childcare and allow the gp shorter visits with dc so they can pamper him and enjoy time together without the “ childcare” element.

You really need to proofread your posts

This is not a school age child we are talking about here. This is a nursery child. I have a son the same age and the thought of a 50 year old man smacking him makes me feel physically sick. Relying on this man for childcare will damage your child.

I was born in 1970. Spanking and slapping were routine punishments. Some friends were beaten with belts. Hitting should not be used as routine discipline. Children need clear limits and authoritative parenting. Talk with your ex about the situation, and work together on better options. Would you rather your child cry now, or you cry over him when he’s grown?

I think you should talk to the gps and make a decision based on their reaction. Can you just calmly explain that it is illegal for them to hit your ds and work on alternative strategies?

In your place, I would be absolutely livid. However, from a pragmatic perspective, they may learn something and you get to keep your livelihood and a roof over your heads.

I would go absolutely ballistic. I would phone the police and cut him off. Nobody will ever lay a finger on my child without facing every consequence at my disposal.

Would they listen if you spoke to them about it?

You’re in an awful position if you lose the ability to support your son.

Although I’m 45 and not only was there only one child I knew of who was smacked (and she lived in an awful home situation including not being given enough food), a teacher who lost her temper and slapped a child in my class in the mid 1980s was immediately suspended.

Even those who apparently found it common and normal to smack in the 80s must know it has been neither for a long time. There’s plenty of workplace and social behaviour that’s changed over that time also; silly to pretend nobody can be aware of changing standards.

Wrong.

They are terrible if they're hitting a kid ,that IS terrible.

Op look for a job that can work with conventional paid childcare if necessary but don't send your child somewhere he is hit.

Your son is very young, and seems to have 4 different childcare settings, nursery, mum’s, dad’s, and grandparent’s. Smacking aside I suspect the poor boy has a lot to process. I would be very concerned that behaviour problems will develop from his inability to process a wide range of emotions.

absolutely speak with grandparents and perhaps explain this, can they work with you to show leniency and support your son. Strict discipline isn’t going to solve this. Neither is yet another change to your sons life by removing them as childcare options and you becoming unemployed.

I can't believe people think smacking a small child is acceptable! If a grown man had smacked a woman once all the advice would be too leave straight away as he will do it again. People smacking kids have lost their temper and lost control. They are very likely to do so again, even if asked not too. Not a hope in hell would a child of mine be going back in the care of someone who has hit and pushed them.

My God how on earth do people get through life being so hysterical? I'm sure your child would thank you for denying them an entire childhood with his grandparents over ONE smack on the bum. Fucking Hell.

All this ohh it's only a smack, it's only this that...and then they wonder why Jimmy Saville and the like got away with what he was doing for so long.

I know. Its ridiculous

You think kids weren’t smacked in the seventies and eighties?

Urgh.