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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking him to get rid of his dog after 7 years?

483 replies

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:00

I am moving to the USA to be with my fiance. He has a pitbull/lab who has previously bit a little yorkie, the yorkie did start the fight, however unfortunately the yorkie died because the pitbull punctured a lung after 1 bite.

I have 2 cavalier dogs. I have extreme anxiety about taking my 2 dogs over there to live with this dog that has previously bit before. My fiancé says it was a total one off, he has since been neutered and is older now, and it was the other dogs fault. I have met the dog and it does pretty much sleep all day.

I just don't know if I can live my life anxious always watching my dogs around this dog - It is a small house - I really don't know how to get over this as we are both refusing to rehome our dogs. He does have family nearby that he could probably give him too, I would be going out to the US with just my dogs.

OP posts:
MrLbz · 20/02/2023 16:01

If i was him and you were making me choose between you and my dog. I'll choose my dog.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/02/2023 16:03

You need to give up your dogs.

No? Well then...

🙄

Blueuggboots · 20/02/2023 16:03

Why do your dogs take priority over his dogs?

Newusernameaug · 20/02/2023 16:05

You’re making this into a big drama and anxiety that it shouldn’t be….. Od be doing some inner work on myself and asking myself what the anxiety is really about - are you sure you want to make the move?!

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 20/02/2023 16:05

Is there anyway you can introduce them gradually? Could a family member temporarily look after yours or his dogs and meet up for visits to get used to each other? Or could your put yours in kennels over there and introduce the dogs slowly?

Skinnermarink · 20/02/2023 16:05

I wouldn’t be flying two dogs that distance to live in a small house with another established dog. Perhaps you need to give them up.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:07

I already am giving up my entire life (Job, family, friends) I feel like giving up the only 2 things i have left (the dogs) would leave me depressed, for people asking me to give up mine. I totally get why he doesn't want to give up his too.

OP posts:
704703hey · 20/02/2023 16:08

Oh gosh - I think I'd refuse to give up a long term pet unless it was in their best interests.

Do the relatives live nearby and would they be happy to take his dog on? Sounds stressful for all the dogs involved!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 20/02/2023 16:08

I'd tell you not to come. Seriously.

Chickenly · 20/02/2023 16:08

YABU.

Option 1: You accept it was the other dog that started the fight and that his dog wouldn't bite unless antagonised. Your dogs aren't aggressive. Therefore, you have no reason to be concerned about your dogs being around his.

Option 2: You accept it was the other dog that started the fight and that his dog wouldn't bite unless antagonised. Your dogs are aggressive and you're concerned that his dog would win when your dogs start a fight.

Option 3: You don't believe his dog didn't start the fight and isn't aggressive but don't take issue with an aggressive dog attacking other dogs (and potentially children) as long as yours are ok.

Which option it is, YABU.

Zipps · 20/02/2023 16:11

You aren't a dog lover or you wouldn't be asking him to get rid of his.
Must try harder.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:12

I am a dog lover - which is why I don't want to put my dogs in a situation where they could potentially die like the other one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:13

Zipps · 20/02/2023 16:11

You aren't a dog lover or you wouldn't be asking him to get rid of his.
Must try harder.

I am a dog lover - which is why I don't want to put my dogs in a situation where they could potentially die like the other one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:13

Chickenly · 20/02/2023 16:08

YABU.

Option 1: You accept it was the other dog that started the fight and that his dog wouldn't bite unless antagonised. Your dogs aren't aggressive. Therefore, you have no reason to be concerned about your dogs being around his.

Option 2: You accept it was the other dog that started the fight and that his dog wouldn't bite unless antagonised. Your dogs are aggressive and you're concerned that his dog would win when your dogs start a fight.

Option 3: You don't believe his dog didn't start the fight and isn't aggressive but don't take issue with an aggressive dog attacking other dogs (and potentially children) as long as yours are ok.

Which option it is, YABU.

One of my dogs can occasionally "snap" over toys and bones, or if you trample on him or get in his space, like bigger dogs often do

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 20/02/2023 16:14

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:07

I already am giving up my entire life (Job, family, friends) I feel like giving up the only 2 things i have left (the dogs) would leave me depressed, for people asking me to give up mine. I totally get why he doesn't want to give up his too.

How long have you known this man? If you are having to give up everything to the point of nearly being depressed...is he really worth it? It might be easier to give him up ?

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:14

704703hey · 20/02/2023 16:08

Oh gosh - I think I'd refuse to give up a long term pet unless it was in their best interests.

Do the relatives live nearby and would they be happy to take his dog on? Sounds stressful for all the dogs involved!

The dog actually doesnt have much of a life - it is usually in a crate all day while he is at work - then at night just sleeps on the sofa with him and in bed. My dogs, spend all day with me working from home, have multiple walks a day, come to dinner breakfast etc with me, holidays.

OP posts:
PuttingOnTheKitsch · 20/02/2023 16:15

YANBU. He has a pitbull. They are not like other dogs.

People can say "Deed not breed" all they like, those dogs are banned here for a very good reason. Weirdly, these dogs bite/maim/savage/kill loads of animals and people but it is miraculously never, ever the dog's fault.

However, this may well be a deal breaker as I can see why he would not want to part with his dog.

Strongboat · 20/02/2023 16:16

I wouldn't go. Neither of you should give up your dogs but I would not risk taking mine.

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/02/2023 16:18

So you're not willing to try to introduce these dogs safely, supervised, calmly, using barriers etc and building a positive relationship between them because

"I don't want to put my dogs in a situation where they could potentially die"

But you are willing to put two brachycephalic dogs at higher risk of death, on a flight in the cargo hold where there is already a significant risk of death.

Ok then.

If his dogs quality of life is poor, but you're intending on moving in with him and your dogs, surely you're intending on providing a better quality of life for yours, and thus, his? Or will you be ignoring his dog and only providing for your own?

NameChangePoP · 20/02/2023 16:18

YABU and expecting your boyfriend to give up something which you in turn would not.
I would also not be uprooting my dogs and taking them to a strange country and new home having never lived with this man before either.
I think the dog will be the least of your worries.

MichelleScarn · 20/02/2023 16:18

Chickenly · 20/02/2023 16:08

YABU.

Option 1: You accept it was the other dog that started the fight and that his dog wouldn't bite unless antagonised. Your dogs aren't aggressive. Therefore, you have no reason to be concerned about your dogs being around his.

Option 2: You accept it was the other dog that started the fight and that his dog wouldn't bite unless antagonised. Your dogs are aggressive and you're concerned that his dog would win when your dogs start a fight.

Option 3: You don't believe his dog didn't start the fight and isn't aggressive but don't take issue with an aggressive dog attacking other dogs (and potentially children) as long as yours are ok.

Which option it is, YABU.

Absolutely! Succinctly put.

CousinKrispy · 20/02/2023 16:18

Oh dear. I gave up everything (including pets ... fortunately rehomed with family who doted on them) to move overseas to get married. It was a disaster and I've often wished I could go back in time and undo that decision.

Sorry, I know that's not very helpful and for many people it all works out just fine. But giving up your family, job, home, etc. is a huge, huge risk. Please make sure you have a backup plan and always, always have some separate money of your own in case you need to move back.

SeriouslyLTB · 20/02/2023 16:19

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:07

I already am giving up my entire life (Job, family, friends) I feel like giving up the only 2 things i have left (the dogs) would leave me depressed, for people asking me to give up mine. I totally get why he doesn't want to give up his too.

Why on earth are you doing this move? You should be hugely excited.

Is there a chance the dog ‘issue’ is just a way to try and not move?

SirSniffsAlot · 20/02/2023 16:19

All the talk of who started the fight fits well within human behaviour 'rules' but has no bearing at all on canine behaviour. Regardless of which dog made the obvious first move (notwithstanding that there will have been micro aggressions beforehand that the humans are unlikely to have clocked), you cannot blame or excuse any fight participation based on human ideas of fairness.

The point of all of this SHOULD be about the welfare of the dogs being moved. Is a move to a new country, to live with a couple who are struggling to agree on the way forward with this, really in their best interests?

Even if his dog is rehomed and you take yours, they face a very stressful experience, a stressful adaptation to a new country and the possibility that they are living with someone who resents having to rehome his own dog to make space for them. Depending on where in the USA, they may also be moving to a climate not especially suitable for them.

I empathise that you feel like you need the dogs to support you. The question for me, however, is whether this move is in the dog's best interests?

IWantToBeACat · 20/02/2023 16:19

I posted on your other thread, but I'll say the same on this one.

No, you can't ask him to give up his dog. That's not fair on the dog or your DP, but especially the dog who would be lost and confused! How would you like it if the situation were reversed? If you could "probably just give your two to family..."?! Is the dog 7 or has your partner had the dog for 7 years? Either way, that's getting on for a big dog so unlikely it will be around for much longer. You could just "give your dogs to family" and then ship them over when you DP's dog dies.