Asking him to get rid of his dog after 7 years?

[Uktousa2022]

I am moving to the USA to be with my fiance. He has a pitbull/lab who has previously bit a little yorkie, the yorkie did start the fight, however unfortunately the yorkie died because the pitbull punctured a lung after 1 bite.

I have 2 cavalier dogs. I have extreme anxiety about taking my 2 dogs over there to live with this dog that has previously bit before. My fiancé says it was a total one off, he has since been neutered and is older now, and it was the other dogs fault. I have met the dog and it does pretty much sleep all day.

I just don't know if I can live my life anxious always watching my dogs around this dog - It is a small house - I really don't know how to get over this as we are both refusing to rehome our dogs. He does have family nearby that he could probably give him too, I would be going out to the US with just my dogs.

Of course I love my fiance, he is very headstrong, like me also. I am just using the phrases he has told me, to give a fair and accurate story. One of my dogs is no angel, which is why I am probably also concerned.

How long have you been in a relationship and how much time have you spent together?

I don't think the two of you are compatible.

How long have you been together and how much time have you spent physically together?

No he should not give up his dogs. Your dogs are no more important than his. Will airlines even fly that type of breed long haul anyway?

Yeah, I don't think there's any evidence of that.

I know most of MN will disagree with me, but I owned and fostered pitbull mixes for many years when I lived in America and they can be wonderful family pets when handled appropriately (and if the individual dog has a good nature). But the owner must be 100% sensible and responsible.

This guy has already ducked responsibility (the Yorkie was "an asshole"), doesn't provide his dog with adequate socialization and interaction, and believes weird shit about it. The dog itself isn't the problem, the man is the problem, and he would still be a problem without this specific dog.

It is totally OK to stop and rethink the relationship.

If someone asked me to get rid of my dog then I would end the relationship as a dog is more than a dog and it is unfair to ask him to get rid of it.

dont go,
dont give up your family and friends for this adventure

So what will you do if you decide the dogs don't get on?

This has disaster written all over it as you're putting all your eggs in one basket without any obvious back up plan.

Can you leave your dogs with a trusted friend or relative for a month whilst you fly over and check it all out?

Are you sure you want to make this move. You have an awful lot to loose if it doesn't work out.

A pitbull is not a breed suitable as a pet.

Some dog breeds are more appropriate for different activities. Spaniels sniff, alsatians are used by the police to chase and bring down. Rotweilliers are very tough and were used to guard. Dobermans historically very very protective.
It is not a case of it depending on the owner. The breed of dog matters.

A pit bull is as one song goes is 'better than a credit card'. In terms of intimidating is is high. Which is why it was 'better than a credit card'. The sort of dog people who own take for walks without a lead.
Owners will always say they are soft as anything. Until it all goes wrong. Then it wasn't their dogs fault. Of course. Always isn't .

It isn't a pet is my main point.

No way should you inflict your dogs on a dog which is bred for fighting introducing them into his home. Old or not.
Cavalier dogs have a temperament for snappiness. It is not a good combo.

And in a small home.

They have a fearsome reputation for a reason. Neutered or not. Once they lock a jaw onto something they will not let go. Imagine if that is your leg, face or arm. Or dog. They can turn in a second.

I wouldn't want to live in a small house with three dogs of whatever breed. How is he with your dogs out of interest ? Do you know ?

l think this is projected anxiety.

FWIW l wouldn’t live with anyone who kept pit bulls.

You have posted this in several places. Have your dogs met? You'll have to implement management. If you work from home yours can be in the office with you and his can be free downstairs in another room (don't see why he needs to be crated all day to be honest). You can let the dogs out separately if need be.

Sorry he doesn't really care about you or his dog. If he sees it like a dog why not put it down when it was proved to be dangerous? If he wanted to marry you and have kids he would be aware of what you are giving up and get rid of the dog which should surely already have been put down.

So, you've accepted his dog isn't safe around the baby you're insisting you have "soon" but seem reluctant to accept that your aggressive, resource-guarding, snappy dog can't be safe around a baby either. If you won't put your dog in a position where it could potentially be killed (although, as PP pointed out, this doesn't add up with being ok putting them onto a long-haul flight that's pretty likely to kill them) then why are you happy to put your baby at risk?! Resource guarding and snapping are the signs of an unhappy dog, by the way. If you were a dog lover then you'd have done something about that, surely? You're not a dog lover and for the love of God do not have a baby around your aggressive animal. Baffling.

You seem to want very conflicting things and have very incompatible views:

1. You don't want to risk your dog dying from another dog but you're happy enough for your dog to die on a flight.
2. You think he should get rid of his dog because it's aggressive but you won't get rid of your dog because it's aggressive.
3. You think it's unacceptable that his dog isn't appropriately cared for whilst yours is displaying clear signs of an uncared-for dog.
4. You don't want your dog around an aggressive dog but are happy to have your baby around an aggressive dog.
5. You think you're a dog lover but are prioritising your desires over their needs in all manner of ways.
6. You love him enough to move to the US but you don't like him and insult him constantly.

Did I miss any points?

As dogs get older the risk of them getting more snappy increases. They might be senile or be in pain, both triggers to snapping.

Honestly I’m really not convinced I would do this move at all if I were you. It’s incredibly risky for you.

Is your main aim wanting to start a family? You have other options.

There is no shame at all in deciding you are happy to stay put and this relationship is right not for you. Think of the huge relief you will feel when you don't have this anxiety looming over you any more! You'll be able to enjoy your dogs knowing you've kept them safe and happy.

If you need any inspiration for how to handle your changed plans... a friend of mine was anxious about a big move that didn't feel quite right. She cancelled it and we held a "welcome home" party for her. It was a watershed moment - she committed to living where she felt most at home and soon found a better job and a brilliant partner.

If it's too much to think of backing out of the relationship now, at least have a think about your Plan B if it doesn't go well.

See if you can leave your dogs in safety with a family member for a few months.

Keep an emergency fund that will be enough for plane tickets back to the UK (and emergency accommodation if you need it) and do not touch the money for any other purpose.

Have some friends or family who could put you up temporarily if you needed to return to the UK on short notice.

Do you have any other friends in the US, would you have anywhere to go temporarily if things didn't work out? Or would you be completely isolated?

good luck OP. I know it is hard when you are swept up in the excitement of a relationship, and maybe the other person is pressuring you or you just don't want to hurt them. But this is a huge step.

I wouldn’t want a baby in a house with yours or his dog.

his dog killed a dog and hasn’t been raised with you to accept you just coming in right now.

your dog well one of resource guards dangerous situation for a baby.

Probably feel safer with his crated pit around then a resource guarding dog tbh but it’s a bit like being asked to eat shit or drink shit.

It doesn't feel right. I could not ask someone to give up a dog and I know what I would say to anyone who asked me to give up mine.
I can only speak from my experience, I have a dog reactive dog and I have got her to a point before where she will befriend and share a bed with another dog but this took GRADUAL introduction over years: 5 minutes out doors one day building week by week until they can walk together, then similar thing off lead then in the house. Although she is very good with people we will be doing something similar when we have a new baby.

Would you be able to achieve something like that of you moved? Like would you be able to live in separate houses for a while, or would the dogs be able to? Generally dogs don't like change. Moving house, introducing new dogs, new routines. You would need to have that all established before you start preparing them for a baby in the house.

I don't think I have to tell you if you are unreasonable because you feel the same way about your dogs as he does about his.

Also are you giving up your job to go there and will you still be WFH? Even if he gives up his dog will you still be able to keep the same lifestyle for yours?

Anything is possible but that sounds incredibly tough.

You're worried about his dog who has only ever been 'aggressive' towards another dog when attacked, but seemingly have absolutely no problem with your snappy dog who resource guards and tried to bite humans when they 'get in his space'...
It doesn't sound like you're ready to have children with anyone tbh, your dog is a fucking disaster waiting to happen with a baby.

Rather than dragging your dogs across there you give them up, before you leave. I'm sure you will find a nice home for them.

Then you can also make his dog a happier by giving it the life you give your dogs

Win win .

It's a difficult situation for you both, I know. I don't think there's an easy answer. If you want to have kids I think it's worth thinking a bit further down the road. Personally I wouldn't have a baby with a pit bull dog in the house. They're banned because of the damage they can do. Which this one has proved. So I think for that reason alone it would be better for him to re-home the dog now. I don't think I would 100% trust your snappier dog either though! It sounds life you baby then, which you won't if you have an actual baby. Would they be OK with less walking and being treated more like dogs? Maybe it's kinder not to take them with you. Like I say, no easy answer.

I’d be more concerned about the dog being around any future babies/children. Can you approach the discussion from this angle?

Of course I love my fiance, he is very headstrong, like me also. I am just using the phrases he has told me, to give a fair and accurate story. One of my dogs is no angel, which is why I am probably also concerned

Sounds like trouble ahead. 2 dogmatic 😁people in a relationship can cause problems.