Asking him to get rid of his dog after 7 years?

[Uktousa2022]

I am moving to the USA to be with my fiance. He has a pitbull/lab who has previously bit a little yorkie, the yorkie did start the fight, however unfortunately the yorkie died because the pitbull punctured a lung after 1 bite.

I have 2 cavalier dogs. I have extreme anxiety about taking my 2 dogs over there to live with this dog that has previously bit before. My fiancé says it was a total one off, he has since been neutered and is older now, and it was the other dogs fault. I have met the dog and it does pretty much sleep all day.

I just don't know if I can live my life anxious always watching my dogs around this dog - It is a small house - I really don't know how to get over this as we are both refusing to rehome our dogs. He does have family nearby that he could probably give him too, I would be going out to the US with just my dogs.

He has said he doesn't go into marriage lightly, or expecting to divorce,

Of course he’s going to say that!

He’s literally just saying what ever you want to hear to get you over there but the reality will be much different.

What’s really concerning is how he doesn’t seem to care about the consequences for you.

It’s like he doesn’t live in the real world and he thinks nothing of moving your entire life for him.

Imagine moving in with him and he becomes abusive and violent.
You’d be completely stuck!

He’s going to seem like your perfect man now because you’ve only known him a few weeks.

I think you need to find a way to live there but live alone.

That way this relationship can go at a normal, healthy pace and you get to keep your dogs.

Holding off is a really sensible decision.
Nobody, but nobody, goes into marriage lightly or expecting to divorce, so he is not saying anything very meaningful there (but surely proposing after eight weeks is taking marriage lightly?). You massively increase your chances of making a good match if you take your time, get to know the other person properly and don’t be pressured or rushed into anything.
There is nothing to stop you visiting and getting to know him better and deciding if a life overseas is really what you want. It’s not a decision to make lightly. Eight weeks in, you have still got all the romance and hearts and flowers. But that is not what you base a life-changing decision on.

7

Please be aware that whatever happens if you have his child and give birth there you can never if you split up bring that child back to the UK without his permission. So you could be trapped there in a really shitty relationship or split up bitterly and nit even be allowed to bring tour child/ren home to visit your family. Home sickness now could be the very least of your problems.

My biggest concern about this post is you are giving up everything to move. Why don’t you keep your options open and leave your dogs here, visit partner and see what his dog is like.
can you even work in USA or will you be stuck in house unable to work? Will you keep your wfh job? Are you even allowed?
if you sell up in UK you may not be able to buy the same size house on your return.

how will your anxiety be improved moving to somewhere where you could be really isolated

Surely the simplest and fairest solution would be for both you and your fiancé to re-home your dogs? Perhaps you could then, in the fullness of time, get another dog that you could jointly own.

OP what is going to change in 3 short months? Nothing. His laziness, ignorance, cruelty and selfishness won't change in 3 months. His dog won't become less of a pitbull in 3 months. That America is a cesspit where you have no maternity leave, no annual leave (apart from 2 short weeks), no sick leave, no reproductive rights etc won't change. America won't become less of a dangerous country in 3 short months.

What do you expect to change in 3 months?

Have you not read anything we've said? Anything? He is garbage. Do you not understand that? Wake up!!

Is this what you really want? I truly love America but the American Dream is a huge marketing lie. I can see your pov, from giving them up to taking them and waiting for the Pitball to snap. But can also see why you can't expect someone to do what you can't do. If this depresses you then the excitement of a new adventure isn't that high. Sounds to me you have a decision to make and it's not about the dogs xx

But it’s not just about the dogs is it?
Thats a minor detail compared to moving to another country with someone you hardly know.
So many concerns have been highlighted on here regarding employment, children etc
It would be far more sensible to go over for a holiday and spend some more time together, you really do need to get to know this man much better before uprooting yourself. I think you’re caught up in a romantic whirl at the moment but life just is not like that in reality.
Also I would not under any circumstances have a baby while he still owns the pit bull, I find the idea utterly terrifying.

There's always one 🤣

Op please don't move in with him. If u must go over rent your own place first...
Your dogs are your everything and you'd never forgive yourself if you or the dogs have a shit time or even worse. You dojnd lovely but naive...
I also honestly don't think seeing each other just 2 weeks a time over like 6 months is enough to uproot your life for... its too risky. If your visa doesn't come through for current employer definitely don't go you might be trapped there without a job.. not the right visa and unable to leave . U know better x

Sorry for late reply I have been doing a bit of reflecting! so I did suggest giving up both previously aggressive dogs, and keeping one of my own, (the non aggressive one) and he said if he gets rid of his 1 dog then i have to get rid of both? but my point was that we both get rid of the dog we wouldnt trust around kids etc. I did mention the point about i wouldn't want to leave a young kid around his dog (he locks his dog away when his friends with kids come over) and he said we would seperate them, im sure theyd be times when you have kids where you cant constantly watch the kid around the dog.

Please don't bring children into this.

You've been arguing about dogs for months. You are not compatible.

You'll give up everything to move there with no job, no support and completely rely on him.

It's going to be a disaster. But you created another thread about this, which makes me think that you'll go through with it.

Honestly @Uktousa2022 - what do you want from this?

There is nothing good here.

You barely know him
You can’t agree or compromise on the dogs
You can’t work out there

You are in complete denial about the utter calamity in waiting this move is.

If you want to go, go, but don’t pretend you’re actually thinking about it with any logic or reason.

Hi. Thanks for your reply - I’ll answer below.
What do I want from the situation? To be happy with my fiancé/husband - to have a happy family and a happy future with whoever that may be and obviously at one point I thought that was my fiancé. I agree we can’t agree or seem to compromise on the dog, but I also appreciate is there actually a solution to this? I wouldn’t get rid of my dog so I can’t really expect him to get rid of his. I did suggest getting rid of 1 of mine and his (both previously been aggressive) and didn’t go down too well. Can I just ask why you think this is a disaster waiting to happen? Everyone seems very sure it is, and obviously it’s very risky, but are you just going on odds? If I keep my job I will be able to support myself, and I do have a family member out here. I’m just curious. Appreciate it’s a valid point though, Tx

Hi. Yes agree we have been arguing for months but I do realise it’s a very tough situation when no one wants to rehome there dog, I guess it’s not something small is what I’m trying to say. I know it’s very risky, but there is a chance it could be the right person. I do just want to be happy with “my person” as they say! Dogs included! I have visited the state and have family there - yes I hate the idea of relying on anyone and that makes me feel very uneasy.

There are pages of people here telling you why it’s a bad idea.

Your posts are full of magical thinking and complete denial.

He won’t even engage in the most basic of conversations.

Months of arguing and you are no further. This is just a disaster waiting to happen and it’s obvious.

I don’t know how you could even consider moving countries when you barely know him and you can’t even agree on important decisions.

His dog killed another dog ffs.

OP - you say "... there's a chance it could be the right person"

Of course, there's a chance but it's a very (very) slim one. If you were my DD and you were weighing up going for a drink in the pub with someone on the "chance it might be the right person", I'd encourage you to go, have that drink, nothing to lose. But if she was contemplating a move to the US, giving up everything here, getting rid of a beloved dog and ALREADY arguing constantly and feeling uneasy, I'd do everything in my power to convince her not to go.

This is not right for you. Please rethink.

Yes I do agree he won’t engage and throws his toys out the pram with the dog conversation but maybe I’m touching a nerve? I mean it’s a sensitive subject getting rid of a pet, we did have another small issue (he smoked a bit of weed and I said I don’t want him doing it as much especially around and in my company, and he has hugely reduced doing it) - but yes my friends have also said how does this set the scene for future disagreements and I agree with your points. Curious, is this an immature thing you think? Or just, an ignorant thing on his behalf?

Thanks. Maybe I am being swept away. I am an old romantic and he has a big family and they felt like my family. I really started to see my life here, and dogs aside, we are happy together. It’s just a shame.

You don’t know how many times I’ve said that to him and he gets annoyed every time! Apparently he was younger and was in tact (not neutered) and was provoked. In my eyes, still not OK. I also wonder if anything ever happened to my dog i couldn’t physically be around that dog any longer. Lastly, PS, his resolution by the way is to Lee the dogs seperate in the same house. Hard in a small house. His dog can never do any wrong.

If you are an animal lover, how can you want to be with a man who treats his dog so badly? Crated for 7 hours a day, it makes me weep. No wonder the dog is out of control.

Yes I think I’ve opened his eyes to the whole crate thing. I’d rather clean up piss and have my dog run around all day than cage him. But he obviously loves the dog because he’s refusing to rehome him lol. Slightly confusing!

Are you kidding? Why should he get rid of his dog because you are anxious? I’d get rid of you before I got rid of my dog of 7 years!