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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking him to get rid of his dog after 7 years?

483 replies

Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 16:00

I am moving to the USA to be with my fiance. He has a pitbull/lab who has previously bit a little yorkie, the yorkie did start the fight, however unfortunately the yorkie died because the pitbull punctured a lung after 1 bite.

I have 2 cavalier dogs. I have extreme anxiety about taking my 2 dogs over there to live with this dog that has previously bit before. My fiancé says it was a total one off, he has since been neutered and is older now, and it was the other dogs fault. I have met the dog and it does pretty much sleep all day.

I just don't know if I can live my life anxious always watching my dogs around this dog - It is a small house - I really don't know how to get over this as we are both refusing to rehome our dogs. He does have family nearby that he could probably give him too, I would be going out to the US with just my dogs.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/02/2023 17:15

And crazy to be thinking of having children quickly - what happens if your relationship goes sour?

Would you want to live in the US if it didn't work out, cos you'd surely find it hard/impossible to leave if you have children who are American citizens.

Why is it you giving up everything? Has there ever been any question of him doing the same for you and coming to the UK?

strawberry2017 · 20/02/2023 17:16

I wouldn't give up my dog.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 20/02/2023 17:16

I wouldn't give up my dog if I was him.

I wouldn't want to put my dogs in danger if I were you either.

I would definitely not bring kids to the household where 2 out of 3 dogs are not compatible with kids.

Your dog is resource guarding - how will that world with a toddler? Disaster waiting to happen.

His dog attacked another dog before and is treated very poorly (little exercise & no mental stimulation) - disaster waiting to happen.

I honestly don't see how you can make this work.

CousinKrispy · 20/02/2023 17:20

Living separately for gradual introduction of the dogs probably won't be possible if you are there on a fiance visa. You will be expected to be living together or run the risk of being suspected of visa fraud.

The USA is a signatory to the Hague Convension, so, regardless of citizenship, if you have children there you wouldn't be able to move back to the UK with them without his permission.

gamerchick · 20/02/2023 17:21

Seriously OP you either need to leave the dogs or not go. He doesn't sound like an animal lover tbh

Whammyyammy · 20/02/2023 17:22

MrLbz · 20/02/2023 16:01

If i was him and you were making me choose between you and my dog. I'll choose my dog.

Me too

CousinKrispy · 20/02/2023 17:22

Convention! Bloody hell.

AnOldCynic · 20/02/2023 17:23

How long have you known him?
Have you ever lived together (with or without dogs)?
Have you ever lived in the States?
How often do you see him?

All this important information as to whether YABU or not.

pastaandpesto · 20/02/2023 17:24

If you have DC with him the US and your relationship breaks down you risk being jobless, homeless, without friends and family, and stuck there for the rest of your life unless you leave your children behind. If you haven't secured residency in your own right then the scenario is even worse.

I've lived in the US as an expat and I have seen this play out in real life. Personally I do not think any relationship is ever worth giving up so much for. His refusal to budge on the issue of his dog when you are giving up absolutely everything else to be with him is a very bad sign imo.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 20/02/2023 17:28

pastaandpesto · 20/02/2023 17:24

If you have DC with him the US and your relationship breaks down you risk being jobless, homeless, without friends and family, and stuck there for the rest of your life unless you leave your children behind. If you haven't secured residency in your own right then the scenario is even worse.

I've lived in the US as an expat and I have seen this play out in real life. Personally I do not think any relationship is ever worth giving up so much for. His refusal to budge on the issue of his dog when you are giving up absolutely everything else to be with him is a very bad sign imo.

Don't forget you will also have no healthcare in that scenario either!

MargaritMargo · 20/02/2023 17:29

It’s unfortunate but no I wouldn’t give up my dog, I would never choose to rehome a pet unless it was absolutely in their best interest and certainly not to accommodate a partner who may or may not be around forever.
I don’t think there’s an easy solution here, neither of you rightly want to give up your pets.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 17:29

CousinKrispy · 20/02/2023 16:31

Based on your other thread ... I wouldn't take my beloved spaniels to live with someone who described the Yorkie who riled up his dog as "an asshole" and is brushing off your concerns.

Has he taken any positive steps to protect other dogs from his dog?

Has his dog ever been around children? Have the two of you ever had a conversation about what to do with his dog if you have a baby and it shows signs of aggression?

Does he brush off your concerns about other things too?

You are taking a huge, huge risk by moving. As you know, you'll have to get married very quickly to comply with US immigration law, making it more difficult for you to back out if living together (for the first time?) isn't working out well. You need a partner who can listen to your concerns and empathise and support, rather than brush you off or shift blame (what will happen if one of your dogs is "an asshole" to his)?

Thanks I actually appreciate and agree with most things you are saying. My cousin also flagged about listening to concerns in the future. He dismisses them as "everything is going to be fine, I am worrying about things that haven't even happened yet, he has handled the dog for 7 years he knows what to do" etc. I completely agree, its more than likely my dog will be an "asshole" to his, and does that mean he dies too? Not saying one is wrong or one is right, just facts that has already previously happened in the past. He actually looks after his mums small yorkie a lot, and his dog is fine and does ignore that dog. Honestly though, from the time I have spent around the pitbull, I just dont understand how a 7 year old dog sleeps all day and all night, with no exercise, and it just stares through you sort of thing. Not being judgemental, but sometimes I wonder if it is depressed. I am struggling and a little hurt by him not realising everything I am willing to change (famiy, friends, job, adjusting to new surroundings) yet he will not compromise on this, albeit a huge compromise. He actually owns his own car shop, with his dad, who would have the dog, so he would actually still see the dog everyday anyway. He said if I live there the dog would be going to the shop every day anyway because I said i do not wanna be left with 3 dogs in case a fight did break out with that pitbull I would end up separating it myself. You have definately made me think. Not that its made it any easier lol. What a hole.

OP posts:
IAmMeThisIsI · 20/02/2023 17:30

You're right to be anxious. Just one little scuffle, when bringing not one but two dogs into his (the Pitbull's) environment could end in death. You're not being unreasonable in my opinion to expect a split up of your and his dogs.

But he's refusing to get rid of his dog. And you've given up almost everything to come to live with him. Honestly, the fact that he's picking the dog (who is a violent killer, that's a FACT) over me and my (only) remaining pets would be a deal-breaker. It screams immaturity.

Therefore you have two choices: ditch your own dogs, or ditch the boyfriend.

Sarahcoggles · 20/02/2023 17:31

Blueuggboots · 20/02/2023 16:03

Why do your dogs take priority over his dogs?

Because her dogs haven't killed another dog!

WinterDeWinter · 20/02/2023 17:32

Fucking hell.

How can you consider moving across the globe to be with a man who treats his dog so badly?

How can you consider inflicting the trauma of cargo travel on your dogs - alone, terrified? Animals die in cargo, often.

How can you consider having a baby in a house where there is a pitbull which - regardless of which animal 'started it', has the capacity to kill a small creature instantly?

How can you consider asking him to abandon his already badly treated dog?

Can't you see that none of this can work?

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 17:32

pastaandpesto · 20/02/2023 17:24

If you have DC with him the US and your relationship breaks down you risk being jobless, homeless, without friends and family, and stuck there for the rest of your life unless you leave your children behind. If you haven't secured residency in your own right then the scenario is even worse.

I've lived in the US as an expat and I have seen this play out in real life. Personally I do not think any relationship is ever worth giving up so much for. His refusal to budge on the issue of his dog when you are giving up absolutely everything else to be with him is a very bad sign imo.

Thanks for flagging this. Luckily I do have 1 brother and sister in law nearby, who I could live with until I started a new life, however, I agree i wouldn't be able to come home and be around family and friends of my own. He doesnt think the adjustment is a big deal, as I will have "his friends and family" around me, which are very nice I must admit. He said I will be doing the exact same stuff there as to what Ido there, WFH, walks, dinners.

OP posts:
WilsonMilson · 20/02/2023 17:34

Well, sorry to be the rolling eyed voice of reason here, but this seems to be the least of your issues.

If this guy has had a dog for 7 years and lives in the US, and you have dogs and live in the UK, then how the hell did you meet (don’t tell me, let me guess…..online) and how much time have you actually spent together in real life?? Again….not much I would guess.

Yet, here you are, giving up your job, your family and potentially your dogs, for a man who you likely don’t really know and fucking off to the US, desperate to procreate.

Disaster waiting to happen. Honestly, wake up and and get a grip.

Newyearnewmeow · 20/02/2023 17:34

I wouldn’t take the chance with my beloved dogs and I certainly wouldn’t take the chance of having a Pitbull around a baby.
I don’t like the sound of your boyfriend with his attune to everything. Too lax, too can’t be arsed to find a solution.
I would be leaving if or a while before you make any hasty decisions about moving your whole life to another country.

Irisheyesareshining · 20/02/2023 17:35

Sounds like he also needs to give the dog a better life, in a cage all day ! This would put me off the man to start 😡

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 17:35

IAmMeThisIsI · 20/02/2023 17:30

You're right to be anxious. Just one little scuffle, when bringing not one but two dogs into his (the Pitbull's) environment could end in death. You're not being unreasonable in my opinion to expect a split up of your and his dogs.

But he's refusing to get rid of his dog. And you've given up almost everything to come to live with him. Honestly, the fact that he's picking the dog (who is a violent killer, that's a FACT) over me and my (only) remaining pets would be a deal-breaker. It screams immaturity.

Therefore you have two choices: ditch your own dogs, or ditch the boyfriend.

I agree, but then part of me looks at it like I love his loyalty and I totally get an animal is for life, I seriously would do anything for mine! I keep reminding him what I am giving up, trying not to throw it in his face, but he sort of doesn't really think its a huge deal as I will have his friends and family there, and will have a nice life there, he does understand though, but ultimately I guess its my choice. A little hurtful he can't appreciate what I am giving up though, yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 17:36

AnOldCynic · 20/02/2023 17:23

How long have you known him?
Have you ever lived together (with or without dogs)?
Have you ever lived in the States?
How often do you see him?

All this important information as to whether YABU or not.

Yes lived in the states, I have a brother out there local to him too. No we have not lived together before.

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 20/02/2023 17:38

You've been asked multiple times and haven't answered. How many times have you actually met him in person?

Does he live by himself or with family? Was the yorkie his dog killed his mum's dog?

Oysterbabe · 20/02/2023 17:39

I wouldn't have a baby in a house with a pitbull. They kill someone nearly every week in the USA and maim thousands more. About half of them are unprovoked attacks by family pets. If you're on Facebook, look up Justin Gilstrap. He's a little boy who was dragged off his bike and attacked by a neighbour's pitbull last month. His family have started a page documenting his recovery. There is a photo of him straight after the incident with his entire scalp torn off. I'll never unsee that picture.

Reinventinganna · 20/02/2023 17:40

I think you should not move over there. None of it sounds right. I think that you know that and have cold feet and the dog thing is the tip of the iceberg (I would feel the same as you taking my dogs near another that has killed before).

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 20/02/2023 17:40

SheikYerboutiii · 20/02/2023 17:15

You're worried about his dog who has only ever been 'aggressive' towards another dog when attacked, but seemingly have absolutely no problem with your snappy dog who resource guards and tried to bite humans when they 'get in his space'...
It doesn't sound like you're ready to have children with anyone tbh, your dog is a fucking disaster waiting to happen with a baby.

Show quote history

I have often thought that if I had children how I would make it work around my dog, luckily I have trained resource guarding off him now, I can take a bone off him, I am just working on other dogs taking it off him.

OP posts:
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