Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

[Kardelen]

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

[PurBal]

My midwife always turned up hours late for appointments. So I couldn’t plan to do anything.
That said, no effing way are you going anywhere at 5 days PP if you don’t want to. I could only manage about 2 hours at a time with guests in my own home at that stage. DH needs to look after you! Stay home!

[GettingStuffed]

I had a traumatic first birth and went to stay at my MiL's who spoilt me something rotten .

[Kardelen]

Oh no! I’ll actually be going to the appointment

[Ragwort]

Yet again it's your DH who is being a dick .. why doesn't he make it absolutely clear to his mother (& her friend) that you will visit when you feel up to it. End of discussion.

[Wolfiefan]

DH can visit if he please. You’re not up to it yet.

[fruitbrewhaha]

Just let dh visit and you can go home with your baby.

Im really angry on your behalf OP. You do not have to visit anyone. Your mil can fuck off. So don’t let her get to you. You need your dh to deal with her and her friends. There’s no reason for you to know what bullshit story she is making up to get attention. Tell DH he needs to protect you from it.

[DPotter]

Newborn babies and new delivered mothers are visited - they do not visit. Your DH had it right first time. He should tell this friend where to go.

Stand firm - she can visit and her friends will have to wait. Tell your DH you ain't going anywhere - full stop. Her friend needs to back off pronto - it's absolutely none of her business.

I'll phone her if you like. Just let me have her phone number

[Notmybloodymonkeys]

@GettingStuffed

I had a traumatic first birth and went to stay at my MiL's who spoilt me something rotten .

That’s totally irrelevant. OP has already said if she goes she’ll be expected to help out.

[HungryandIknowit]

If you give in to her tantrum she'll do it again.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Second time today I’m recommending the book Toxic Inlaws. She’s a manipulative nightmare. And your husband needs to grow a fucking backbone.

Stay at home, stay in bed with your baby if you want to, don’t go anywhere unless you want to.

Fuck her, her demands, her silent treatment, her lies and her tears. If she wants to see your baby she can sort herself out and start behaving like the 55 year old woman she is.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

@GettingStuffed

I had a traumatic first birth and went to stay at my MiL's who spoilt me something rotten .

Lucky old you. Are you trying to be helpful or stick the boot in when OP is feeling so low and being treated so badly?

[MrNook]

You had a baby 4 days ago?! Definitely don't go to her, let her have her pathetic tantrum and stand firm with your DP that you're not going anywhere.

Her visiting the day after you had the baby would be too much for me!

Congratulations on your new baby and I hope your time isn't being ruined too much by her making this all about her and being selfish

[Camillialane]

Do not give in! I am cross on your behalf. YANBU to stay home and rest, she is totally unreasonable for 1) expecting you to visit and 2) having a strop about it! I hate having this sort of thing hanging over me so I'd probably send a message setting her straight along the lines of - I'm sorry but I am not up to visiting at the moment as I am still recovering from the birth. I'm sure you understand, and we will arrange to come over when I am feeling up to it.

[Kardelen]

I’m just really upset the more I think about it. I said that to my DH she can visit anytime she wants, not stopping her. I don’t want to give in by going, but then I don’t want this to carry on either. Don’t feel strong enough at the minute to actually handle this.

[Crikeyisthatthetime]

@HungryandIknowit

If you give in to her tantrum she'll do it again.

This.
Tell your DH he was right first time, it's too soon. He needs to repeat this to his mum and to his mum's friend (and wtf is she doing sticking her neb in?)
Why can't your DH make it clear to mum and friend that his mum is welcome at yours, but that you are going nowhere except to the midwife?
You must come first in this. Insist on it.

[Therealjudgejudy]

No way would I be going.

Your MIL sounds like an entitled spoilt brat

[YoBeaches]

No you're not being unreasonable. Tell them all to back off and you'll visit when your good and ready.

DH included. He can go and visit his mother and bring pics of the baby. That'll do her.

[Kardelen]

@Crikeyisthatthetime
exactly this. I can’t understand why she is sticking her nose in. She did it before as well, but it’s probably because she knows DH listens to her. He respects the friend too much as she and her husband helped her mum a few times.

it just makes me even more annoyed with the whole situation when she tries to sugar coat is saying she’s an excited grandma.
excited grandma would come to visit? Not expect to be visited ?

[Highlyflavouredgravy]

4 days! You would possibly still be in hospital at this stage!
I normally really try to see the mil point of view because i feel they are often unfairly maligned butv this is bonkers!

You need to be in bed with your baby!

[3luckystars]

Have you a family WhatsApp? Send out a group text to everyone saying, ‘all are welcome to visit here, I’m hibernating until Easter’ with a photo of the baby, forget about that lunatic and enjoy your baby!!!!

[Kardelen]

And it’s not just these. It’s his siblings too. Constantly asking for us to go around… and it’s just putting more pressure and pressure

[BoredBetsy]

Op your priority is your health and well-being and your baby's.
You do not need to go anywhere. You stay at home and people visit and hopefully be helpful and make sure you and baby are taken care off.
How has your mil forgotten what it was like after giving birth? She's ridiculous and selfish and needs reminding.

[RampantIvy]

Your MIL is behaving like a spoilt six year old. You do what is right for you otherwise she will sulk every time she doesn't get her own way. She is pathetic, and cutting her nose off to spite her face.

Your DH has told her she is welcome to visit any time she wants so the ball is in her court.

[rothbury]

You have a DH problem. Tell him no and mean it.

[dishyrishi]

Stay at home, I can tell you that your MIL would likely have had 2 weeks in hospital with her feet up when she had hers, being away from home so early is a big no for me