Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

[Kardelen]

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

To put it mildly, this is not your husband's finest hour.

Is there any way you can leave and go to your own mother's house?

Failing that, for the visit, go to your bedroom and lock yourself in. H can entertain his mother and her sidekick.

Your husband clearly learned manipulative and utterly selfish behaviour from an expert.

When the dust clears, H needs to be told he has a choice to make, and his choice has to be clear-cut and demonstrated in all of his dealings with you and his mother. You may find he chooses his mother. But he already has shown that when she yanks the lead he is ready and willing to play obedient puppy.

He has not only let you down massively here, he has been downright abusive in threatening not to come home.

How can someone be terrible at serving?

Tell DH you won't be hosting, you'll be resting and attending to your brand new baby. Say the same to MIL when she arrives 'hi MIL, I know you'll excuse me for needing to rest today. DH will make the tea and so on so just let him know what you fancy.'

If he serves terribly then so be it.

What a prince.

I would be taking to my bed and putting a lock on the bedroom door for the day and leaving him and his ‘D’M and Aunt to get on with it downstairs - and they can keep your toddler DC occupied too!!

they will also be expecting me to host most likely.

So, don't.

I know DH is terrible at serving.

I know your DH is terrible.
He can make cups of tea can't he?

Do not lift a finger. Retreat to the bedroom if you have to.

What a nightmare. OP ring your midwife/health visitor and explain your deceptive mother in law and DH and their whole family have ganged up on you and your at your wits end just wanting to enjoy new born. Explain about the holiday, her insisting to bath, name child, lying to extended family and inundating phone calls.

when they arrive tomorrow just stay in bed as you feel shattered and need to rest. Watch a film or read a book in bed, try to relax. Do not host or lift a finger to help or prepare. Let your DH do everything host wize. He can deliver the baby to them in the lounge but once the baby is hungry it will need to be returned to you.

however I’d feel like telling him not to come home at all based on his behaviour.

Or if you need to be in the lounge wrap a blanket around you and sit in the comfiest chair and don’t move. If they request you do anything just smile and say you’re too exhausted and been told by your midwife to rest.

Terrible at serving? Does ha have any additional needs? Surely he can make 4 cups of tea?

I would sit down in my dressing gown and say I’m still bleeding heavily. I was for ages! You need to have a serious talk with your DH, he he behaving like a total dick.

Does your MIL not have a life? She is only 55. How far away does she live?

@Shinyandnew1
he actually does take long to make tea etc.
now he will also say how hes sleep deprived as dc wasn’t sleeping last night.

he kept saying she’s got mental health issues, but I think it’s mainly manipulation?
he said he should’ve went to visit a few days ago when she was acting up, then she wouldn’t have involved other people and could’ve been sorted out.

and still telling me not to make it big of a deal, but isn’t it a big deal?
because of her I just feel so guilty that day before, yesterday, and today and possibly tomorrow and other days are being affected! I couldn’t even care for my babies from crying.

@toomuchlaundry
and she actually doesn’t. No work, in fact refusing to work, no hobbies. Just sitting down, probably the reason why she is acting up.

If your both nackered then get the mum and Aunties to sort tea. Just don't you do it.

Yes they should be visiting you rather than you getting dragged out to visit them but they should not be expecting you to Host.

I got as far as this post and thought "Great, stay away and don't bother coming back until you can be my partner, my husband and father to our children, instead of being tied to your mother's apron strings!". Then I genuinely would not let him back until he'd realise what he was doing.

He is blaming you??? For something that his mother set off between you??? He is so mired in the FOG that he literally couldn't see his own hand in front of his face.

Sending you strength to get through this.

Is there a FIL on the scene?

I am one of these rare mnetters who actually encouraged and enjoyed family coming to hospital to see my first child, including MIL (who I didnt love at the time) and even I think this is batshit.

You dont go anywhere 5 days PP unless it is a medical appt. People come to you, bring gifts, do the washing up and dont outstay their welcome! YANBU

Accept that he will take as long as he takes to make tea. It’s not your problem to solve.

Go out. Don't be at home. Do you have anywhere or anyone that you could visit? Even for a short while? I know it's utterly ridiculous that you should have to but if you weren't there, I'd leave a note saying "I've gone out for a few hours with the kids. Be back for dinner later. Please do the steak and chips for dinner tonight, Kardelen" and then go out.

Go to the cinema or library or somewhere. Anywhere. Just don't be there when they get to your place.

This is all totally NOT OKAY.

Your MIL sounds highly manipulative. Her "friend" is being used as a FLYING MONKEY. (This is when people like your MIL start spreading their version and making other people call you and take her side.) It's a very well-known tactic of toxic people. She is now also using other members of DH's family as flying monkeys, making them take sides and putting further pressure on.

This kind of manipulative behaviour is known as TRIANGULATION. Your MIL is creating a triangle of drama. Her - Flying Monkeys - Your DH.

It goes round and round until she gets her own way. Then she will find another way to start drama, and the whole thing goes off again.

Please STAND YOUR GROUND. Do not let them bully you. Her behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Congratulations on your beautiful new baby. You go ahead and do whatever is right for you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Not even your DH.

And some other time, please look up the terms I have mentioned above. There are some very good videos on youtube by Dr Ramani who expains these toxic family dynamics.

Ah I only read the first page and see this has massively moved on. You have a massive DH problem. He should not be giving in to her ludicrous demands.

I might be old fashioned but I was taught to stay at home for at least a week as baby is vulnerable to germs but also for mum to rest.
With my first we had to stay in hospital for 7 days and napped every afternoon, No cooking or cleaning. Yes I wanted to go home but it was lovely in some ways.
Once baby is born all the attention goes to the infant but we must remember that mum needs rest, calm, support. Not dashing round, hosting loads of visitors and suffering bloody drama from others’ selfishness.
Visitors should pop in briefly with a cottage pie or spaghetti bolognaise, make mum a cuppa and leave after 15 minutes.
Do not be pushed into visiting, tell her your midwife has said you need to rest up at home.
Congratulations on your newborn.

@caramac04

ive checked it 🥺
it does sound like what she is doing.
although dh is saying it’s because she feels comfortable to talk to them and because they listen.

how can I possibly tell dh about this? Without him getting triggered

I read that your H (not D) wants to spend £3k of family money to take his mum on a week long trip leaving you with a 2 year old and a 2 month old... Is that right?

He'd come home to changed locks if you had any sense.

Also. Do not host. If he is crap at making tea, let him be crap at making tea. His mum and his aunt know how to use a kettle if it isn't good enough.

Do not host. If he is crap at making tea, let him be crap at making tea.

Sounds like learned helplessness to me. I wonder where that came from.

Do NOT host. Let them wait ages for their tea. Have the baby at your breast so you can't get up, or just stay sat down with your baby.

I’m just feeling really embarrassed that she’s told things, and involved other people into this. I just can’t get over the fact and feel really embarrassed

Your husband is a dick. Besides all the manipulative gaslighting, how dare he say he "doesn't want to come home" because of your attitude. HE TOO HAS A FOUR DAY OLD BABY. He has obligations as A PARENT, and he doesn't get to run away and play with mummy just because he doesn't like something.

She should be embarrassed. It's her airing the dirty laundry in public. People like this rely on your embarrassment. They also rely on the fact that you don't want drama or to cause a scene. You need to stick up for yourself because unfortunately your husband doesn't have the will or backbone to do it.