Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

[Kardelen]

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

This is so unreasonable. Don't give in.

Im 2 weeks pp and went to visit my family yesterday. It was lovely but I was ready, it's been two weeks and my dad isn't a manipulative dick!

You can’t go visiting as you will be using up the energy needed for healing and making milk for her precious grandchild.
Doesn’t she want you to recover well and her grandchild to feed well? After all, she is ‘the excited grandma’.
Seriously, she is behaving like a toddler. Do not give in to her tantrums or she will turn into an absolute brat.

Also, giving in ‘to get some peace’ guarantees that you will never get any peace.

You stay home, people visit you. Is you mil/in-laws mad? You’re 4 days pp. your Dh is doing a shit job of supporting you. He needs to tell the friend the truth ie mil is sulking and has been asked to visit and also ‘hey mother’s friend, fuck off, you’re making the situation worse’.

@dishyrishi MIL is 55, she won’t have had 2 weeks in hospital.

Don’t give into her @Kardelen

Sorry, your MIL, her friend and your DH are being utter tw*ts here! You had a baby 5 days ago, you shouldn’t be travelling anywhere you don’t want to!

Hold firm.

This, so many selfish in law/grandparent threads on here lately. Acting like children when the world doesn’t revolve around them. DO NOT GO. Your baby doesn’t want to be passed around random ‘family’ you hardly know, he or she wants to be safe and cosy with you - they’re not even a week old ffs. If you don’t put your foot down now, you’ll regret it - your baby needs you to stand firm on this one, and your DH is a dick who is scared of his mother.

The only piece of advice I took from my mum was ‘never be with a man who is afraid of his mother’.

This. It won’t end here - she’ll be expecting more visits then, ‘Well you were up to coming here last week so why can’t you come this week’ etc

You tell your husband “that it is not my job or babies to support your mums mental health. In fact it your job to protect my mental health while I’m in a vulnerable post partum period, for at least 6 weeks. Shit like this causes PND which is triggered by stress, and you should be bloody careful telling me not to take it “seriously”. You do not get to dismiss my valid feelings and fears again by such language. You, as her son, are responsible for preventing me from being exposed to this anymore.”

Jeez, I’m 60…had 2 CS ..even the first one ( emergency) I was only in for 3 nights ..I bloody wish I’d had 2 weeks…though me and baby would have probably died of neglect due to lack of flipping midwives on the wards.

Even when my mum birthed the 3 of us in early 60s, she got 7 nights in hospital on first one, then rest were home births, as standard then, and no feet up at all unless provided by family

yep, wealthy women who had access to private nursing, could afford 10 days in hospital with feet up.

When I was a midwife I was quite happy to be cited as the gatekeeper - 'the midwife says I shouldn't take the baby out for 2 weeks/I shouldn't have sex yet/I shouldn't do any housework for 3 weeks'. Whatever the women wanted. So could you try that?

Otherwise, yes your man needs a backbone.

I'm grandmother and I cannot understand these self-centred women like your MiL. Utterly selfish and thoughtless.

When did new mothers get 2 weeks in hospital? My first was born in the late 70s and I should have stayed in 1 week, I think. I didn't.

The next was early 80s and the norm was 5 nights, I think.

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

Your DH and MIL and his whole family are awful for expecting you to visit, let alone help out.

Are you saying your DH would actually watch his post partum wife serve other people a few days after giving birth? That is shocking, OP. Do you see how that is not normal?

as they think the mum has depression so that’s why she acts in this way.

Being depressed doesn't give someone a free pass to behave badly.

She sounds like a manipulative bully to me.

OP congrats on your new baby 💐
Do not go along with this LUNACY! Stay at home with your baby.

Just say no.

Tell everybody to bugger off and go home with your baby, after your appointment, for a nice cup of tea. Xxx

YANBU X

I would not be going there, and I would not have everyone welcome whenever they want either. And I certainly would not have had MIL or anyone else visiting the day I got home.

If your DH is attending the midwife appointment do tell her about their behaviour and how you need support.

You need to tell your DH how badly he's letting you down OP, his role right now is to protect, support and care for you while you care for baby and recover yourself and he is failing dismally.

@Newlifestartingatlast I’ve had 2 thank you both EBF and it’s not impossible to feed your baby and then leave Dad in charge while you rest! Baby will be fine for a short visit after a feed 🙂

You shouldn’t be visiting her, no.

Congrats on baby. Explain to your DP that this is not normal and he needs to deal with his mother / siblings - you won’t be visiting anyone for the foreseeable, blame health visitor if it makes it easier for you. Disengage from this nonsense completely and enjoy your babies first few weeks.

Christ almighty- even if your 'd'h is as thick as two planks he should understand that you are vulnerable to picking up coughs, colds, viruses etc and as such can't be around 'gatherings' at this early stage. You need to be at home, relaxing with only your new baby to think of. Spell it out to him, you are bleeding, leaking from places you didn't know existed, tired, sore, raw, emotional and fragile. You can bet your bottom dollar if he had to deal with a fraction of what you've been through he wouldn't even entertain leaving the house.