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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

265 replies

Kardelen · 19/02/2023 20:59

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

OP posts:
EVHead · 19/02/2023 21:32

Absolutely not, and it’s not up to her. You’re the parents, you decide what happens and when.

Make a stand now, or she’ll think she can demand what she wants forever.

No no no!

EyesOnThePies · 19/02/2023 21:32

Your DH KNOWS she is lying about not letting her see the baby.

OP, you don’t need to ‘handle’ it. Tell your DH that for the sake of your physical recovery, and because you are exhausted, and because your hormones are a raging storm, you will be staying home (apart from midwife visit) until you decide otherwise. That people are welcome to visit, but you don’t want to be told whatever his mother says next. Tell him you are his recently-given-birth wife, you and he know the truth that she is welcome to visit, so you do not wish to be troubled and upset by any other hoo ha. It is his job to deal with it.

And tell him if he doesn’t you will move to somewhere where your needs are met (Sister, mother, best friend…whoever) if he doesn’t start prioritising you’re well being.

Original poster
Kardelen · 19/02/2023 21:34

@Highlyflavouredgravy
stayed a night in hospital and was actually glad to. Because I knew for one day I could have peace!
she wanted to visit in hospital, but I said a white lie- that visitors are not allowed. I do feel guilty but it’s only because I didn’t feel
comfortable her being next to me while I am in a gown, bleeding, exposed as having to feed regularly.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 19/02/2023 21:39

Your dh must have told the friend that it's not true? That she's welcome to visit? But that you've just given birth and won't be visiting.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2023 21:39

Don’t give in. It’s totally unreasonable of MIL to expect this or for your DH to put pressure on you.

As a pp says , new mothers and babies are visited, they don’t visit. And they certainly don’t help out once there if they do visit! Other people should come to your house AND look after you once there.

Darkoutsideclosethecurtains · 19/02/2023 21:42

I'm so sorry for you being put under pressure by your MiL and her sidekicks. I'd be inclined to send a photo or photos of the new baby and say something along the lines of you're still settling in at home, not ready for visitors but will let her know when you are. Then focus on your own needs

Original poster
Kardelen · 19/02/2023 21:44

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing yes! That’s what I know.

everytime I mention that im
upset DH says to not take it seriously, as they think the mum has depression so that’s why she acts in this way. Not due to malicious intentions

OP posts:
Darkoutsideclosethecurtains · 19/02/2023 21:44

Oops sorry forgot to say - Congratulations 💐

Swimswam · 19/02/2023 21:45

Visitors come to you. Not you to them.
This is so awful.
Stick to your plan. DH can visit alone if he wants
You need to be at home. Resting, being with your baby and recovering
Sending you hugs

Ragwort · 19/02/2023 21:47

Is your DH frightened of his own mother ? Sorry to say this but he is acting like a wet blanket. He should be looking after YOU.

Ponderingwindow · 19/02/2023 21:50

You just had a baby. You get visitors. You do not visit.

visitors arrive on your schedule. They stay for short visits. If they want to stay for longer visits, they need to be prepared to offer real help. That can mean showing up with a meal, offering to run the Hoover, clean a bathroom, do some laundry, wash some dishes.

At no point in time are you supposed to get up and do anything during these visits. you don’t offer a drink. You don’t make snacks. You sit in your most comfortable chair holding the baby. Your husband can offer refreshment if he wants, but the visits should be short enough that isn’t necessary

takealettermsjones · 19/02/2023 21:51

Congratulations on your baby OP!

I am so mad at your DH. Tell him you won't be going anywhere until you're ready. Ignore any protests. If MIL tries to contact you directly I'd either ignore or just repeat "it's not about you" as infinitum.

Honestly, protecting your and the baby's health and wellbeing in these first days and weeks is job #1 as a father, surely?

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2023 21:51

This is what I’d do but a) I have no time for shit like this and b) I’m a very good advocate for myself.

I’d call her and say ‘MIL - your friend text DH and said you’ve been telling people I’m stopping you from seeing the baby. I’m going to be VERY clear - you are welcome here any time and WHEN I AM READY I will be very happy to see the rest of the family. Stop lying and stop causing trouble. I want us to be friends but I won’t do that at the expense of my health. So it stops now.’

I’ve got no time for this shit. None.

bussteward · 19/02/2023 21:52

Stay home. Don’t give in. Don’t answer the phone and mute these fuckers; let DH deal with it and tell him in no uncertain terms you do not want to hear about it: you’re going nowhere so there’s no need for you to hear about their pressure. You had a baby! People visit YOU! They bring you cake and make you tea, that’s how it works! Furious on your behalf.

Dogscanteatonions · 19/02/2023 21:52

This is a hill to die on OP. The way you deal with this will most likely colour the way your MIL deals with your parenting and your child. Do not give in. Do not go. It's vital your DH stands up to her now or it will be a slippery slope. Even if it leads to a row 26th DH stand your ground.

I would also discuss this with your midwife if your husband is with you. Shell advocate on your behalf that you should be home resting and enjoying your baby. I'm livid for you

Hesma · 19/02/2023 21:53

Let DH pop round with baby while you go home and sleep

BiggerBoyMadeMeDoit · 19/02/2023 21:56

Hesma · 19/02/2023 21:53

Let DH pop round with baby while you go home and sleep

Why would she want to be apart from her baby at this very early stage?

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 19/02/2023 22:01

bussteward · 19/02/2023 21:52

Stay home. Don’t give in. Don’t answer the phone and mute these fuckers; let DH deal with it and tell him in no uncertain terms you do not want to hear about it: you’re going nowhere so there’s no need for you to hear about their pressure. You had a baby! People visit YOU! They bring you cake and make you tea, that’s how it works! Furious on your behalf.

This! ^^

It's your DH's job to shield you from all this crap. Tell him you don't want to hear another word about it.

ItchyBillco · 19/02/2023 22:08

Your MIL is a manipulative twat.

Scotty12 · 19/02/2023 22:08

I am so cross on your behalf!! She can get stuffed quite frankly if she’s going to behave like that. Do not pander to her. You and your newborn baby come first!

newtowelsplease · 19/02/2023 22:11

No, no, no! Put your foot down OP, you don't have to let yourself be manipulated like this. I'd be sending my DH and older child round to MIL's and having a couple of quiet hours with the baby

Newlifestartingatlast · 19/02/2023 22:14

Show your husband these responses. You are having post partum bleeding, healing your body from all the changes like your lungs pushed up, your ligaments stretchy etc , massive hormone changes, establishing breastfeeding ( possibly the hardest skill in my life I ver had to learn and I’m 60, and still remember the pain and emotional meltdowns) , and recovering from exhaustion of birth, never mind exhaustion of trying to establish a routine with baby

even with our now modern debunk of a “ lying in”, any dick with an ounce of brain cell wouldn’t be expecting to drag a women and baby out their home to entertain someone in first 10 days to 2 weeks, and possibly up to 6 weeks depending on the birth and how baby is taking to breast feeding.

your husband is the problem here. He clearly can’t quite grasp the concept of post partum and what is happening to you and baby. You must educate him - start with “ no I shall not be doing that, it is not healthy for me or the baby”. Go to your appointment and then come home - you’ll have been out for long enough anyway.

shas19 · 19/02/2023 22:15

No fucking way!!! Do not go. Let her sulk, she's cutting her nose to spite her own face. Stay home and relax with your baby. If they want to see baby then they visit you if you're happy for them to do that. I've had 3 and always been happy for visitors straight away but no way would I go out of my way for anyone to see my newborn, not anybody! Your husband needs to advocate for you right now and tell his mum she's being crazy!

Newlifestartingatlast · 19/02/2023 22:16

Hesma · 19/02/2023 21:53

Let DH pop round with baby while you go home and sleep

Wtf? Have you had a baby? What if baby decides it needs nursing? Is DH go to wip out his nipple? She’s 4 days post partum - they come as a package at this stage.

Pantsomime · 19/02/2023 22:18

Your baby, your life, your home, your rules.
see midwife, stay at home, turn your phone off.
you decide who visits you and when - that’s it!
you only travel when you want to ie medical appointments and walk with baby.
Do not let people bully you or they’ll never stop. I bet everyone is used to MIL’s lies and doesn’t believe her anyway. Be strong and stand up for you and baby- congratulations