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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

265 replies

Kardelen · 19/02/2023 20:59

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

OP posts:

iloveyankeecandle · 21/02/2023 10:16

When they come over I'd smile and say hello. Say thanks for coming and as they're all there, that you're going to take a nice long nap! Then go off to bed. You'll feel better for having a sleep and even better for not having to be in their company! Dh can see how you've had to look after both children for these past few days by yourself too!

Peachy2005 · 21/02/2023 10:25

Don’t get out of bed when they are there. Somebody needs to lay down the law for your DH. For me it was my midwife: she told him no visitors unless they are doing something to help like taking toddler to playground, running the hoover round, bringing food etc. And she said mum keeps her feet up as much as possible, her only job is to rest and recover and feed the baby. Do you have anyone who can read your DH the Riot Act? And I don’t know what you can do about protecting your Joint Account…get yourself a separate one as soon as you can?

caramac04 · 21/02/2023 11:06

Totally agree with @Peachy2005 and the midwife. You will recover from pregnancy and birth more quickly if you rest. More rest, quicker and better recovery. Yes pregnancy and birth is normal but so is the mothers need to rest and just be with her baby. Even if you and your dc and newborn sprawl on the bed with a book or tv for a few hours a day then that is fine.
Do not visit, do not host. Tell husband that midwife has advised your health comes before visits.
I can’t remember who said this but I’m pretty sure it’s research based “Look after the mother and she will look after the child”
Postnatal care has really gone downhill and mothers need a family member or friend to advocate.
Every afternoon put a sign on your door saying please do not knock, mother and baby are resting. Shut the curtains or go to bed or just cope however you can.

Pardon44 · 21/02/2023 15:28

@Kardelen how was your MW appointment?

neonjumper · 21/02/2023 17:45

Kardelen · 21/02/2023 09:47

I’m just feeling really embarrassed that she’s told things, and involved other people into this. I just can’t get over the fact and feel really embarrassed

This is not your shame ... you need to stand firm . No contact with her . Their behaviour is shameful.

Tell your husband you have shared with others how they are behaving ( not only your MIL but also your husband) . I bet you they will try to reprimand for sharing because they know their behaviour is shameful.

Their shame is not yours to carry ... ditch their shame !

Sugarfree23 · 21/02/2023 20:01

How did their visit go Op?

Original poster

Kardelen · 22/02/2023 16:08

@Sugarfree23

it wasn’t so bad. As expected though I did have to host, but dictated dh to do stuff too.
they wanted to bath the baby but I said no… first the time wasn’t the right time, and second I know they’d take over.
with my first I let mil do the first bath, but I wanted to this time. Nothing gets appreciated anyway. Will still have to invite her over, as she wants to be involved..

but will make it clear for her to only watch.

OP posts:

Sugarfree23 · 22/02/2023 16:25

What is it with MIL wanting to bath babies?

When DS was born, my friends were round for an arranged visit one had travelled a fair distance. MIL decided to 'pop-in' and kept making hints about bathing baby. My friends ended up cutting their visit short because they felt so uncomfortable. Arrr!

RampantIvy · 22/02/2023 17:15

Why does she want so much over involvement with babies? It's weird.
I wonder if she will be like this with the other new grandchild when it is born.

Original poster

Kardelen · 22/02/2023 18:06

@Sugarfree23

ah! So it’s not just mine. She said it the moment we came home from hospital but we had to tell her about the cord, how we need to wait for it to fall. She had also reported this to her family members, that we didn’t bath the baby. Her niece explained to her again and this time she understood. It’s like if we say something she cries about it, but if her extended family confirms it she’s happy.
i said a white lie! I said the cord hasn’t dropped Altho it has, because that was the only way I could’ve avoided bathing her yesterday.

@RampantIvy
this is exactly my thoughts. Apparently wants to be involved in everything. And to make it worse, dh cousin told him he should seek opinion of mil all the time and keep her involved.
so for example, after dh dropped his aunt and mum home, she asked dh to call her when he returns home as she wanted to know whether dc is asleep ‘ as she cares for him’ and then other things like where the baby is sleeping etc etc. like this knowledge will benefit her!

Funny enough when we go to her house, she doesn’t even spend time with dc, however always complains that I should take dc to hers multiple times a week. she also strangely wants to always feed him biscuits cakes ( no food). And when we say we don’t want him to have these she gets offended. She even complained about this to her extended family, how we don’t let her feed biscuits! Dh was saying we need to explain the reason behind it for her to understand and that it’s our fault. But we already did multiple times before. Can’t always repeat the reason right?

as she also wants to go abroad with dh in 2 months and leave them both with me, I doubt she really cares.

i just feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 22/02/2023 22:27

^Why does she want so much over involvement with babies? It's weird.
I wonder if she will be like this with the other new grandchild when it is born.^
@Kardelen
@RampantIvy

She doesn't give a hoot about the baby.

She can't stand it that the baby is getting more attention than she is.

The best way she can be sure of getting attention (= narcissistic supply) is to stick close to the baby, horn in on the parents, find fault with the parenting, make sure her son calls her with a status update on the baby (= attention from her son and something he needs to do before he attends to the needs of his wife and baby) when he gets home after dropping her off, cause drama around feeding the older child (driving a wedge between parent and child because what child doesn't love treats, plus gets attention from wider familyu)), and take her son away from his family so she gets all the attention she wants from him. It's no accident that this woman is apparently surrounded by an attentive audience of members of the wider family plus her friends. They can be mobilised by her as flying monkeys when the need arises.

You are involved in a power struggle here, OP. This woman seeks power, attention, and control.

StarsSand · 22/02/2023 23:08

RampantIvy · 22/02/2023 17:15

Why does she want so much over involvement with babies? It's weird.
I wonder if she will be like this with the other new grandchild when it is born.

My in laws were like this.

They didn't care about the baby in the way other people did.

They cared about ensuring they were the centre of attention and calling all the shots. And if that meant stirring up drama then so be it.

NaturalBae · 23/02/2023 00:38

As well as a MIL problem, you unfortunately also have a DH problem.

outofthefog.website/

Sugarfree23 · 23/02/2023 00:51

I think I'd be putting my foot down on the DH & MIL trip abroad.

DH is needed at home. And it's a lot of money to spend on a trip when the family it down to one wage.

Will you and DC be getting a holiday this year?

MIL isn't that old that she can't travel alone or with friends or someone else. And she should be paying her own way.

Whatwasthatshow · 19/02/2024 23:52

Hope you’re ok a year on @Kardelen x

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