Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

[Kardelen]

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

Seriously you need to get a grip of this now. If you don’t she will be making demands about your child staying overnight etc and you’ll be feeling powerless. Nip this in the bud. Tell DH you are not going , end of discussion and if he is going to be brow beaten by her cronies you’ll have to tell him straight that is not ok either. He has a child and wife to care for now and he needs to grow up. show him this thread !

Oh OP I feel so sorry for you! What a horrible thing to ve happening ask your hubby to deal with this without speaking to you about it anymore. Don't call her and just hang up if you do speak. Ask him not to tell you if she says anything else.

She isn't your responsibility.

Your DH respects his DM & her friend's wishes, but not yours.

I feel really sorry for you as you should be resting and bond with your baby. Not deal with this drama.

I think if you give in, it will just get worse. Stand up to your DH and just keep repeating that his DM is welcome to visit.

She sounds jealous and manipulative.

Back in the day you’d be made to stay in bed waited on for weeks! So no you’re not up to visiting anyone until you feel ready my love 💐 The baby bubble with your husband and baby all comfy and loved up at home is the best time- ignore everything else!🤗x

OP I've no more advice than anyone else but I just wanted to say this is just nuts.

55 isn't old at all. So what if she does have depression, that doesn't give her the right to bully you.

You're a new mum. You need to be at home, being looked after.

If DH's family don't know how to behave it's not for you to compromise your health & wellbeing.

I always think you can't reason with stupid but you can decide not to join in the ridiculous games.

ExDP always used to say we had to drive to his DM's because they were too old to drive to his. Then one day she started telling us about their day trips out (much further afield than DP's house). Turned out she really wasn't that old at all except when she wanted her own way...

Enjoy your baby op. Reckon you should go back to bed straight after the midwife appointment too. Xxx

As the friend is acting as a flying monkey, I would send a message back to her and copy it to your dh. ‘Please reiterate to mil she is welcome to visit us any time. I am not recovered enough physically to visit family and will do so when I am ready. Please do not push this again. The midwife is concerned about new mums taking on too much, which can lead to post natal depression, and has said it is imperative I rest and recover.’ If necessary, you can have a fake phone call with the midwife to cover your tracks with your dh.

When I had my first my mil suggested I went out very early on. It was far too early for me and really set me back. She also came round and took baby out for walks. So I could clean?! I wasn't happy but also didn't know her that well at the time and didn't want to upset her. Roll round to the second and no way was anyone telling me what to do! Stand your ground. Let her sulk. Just say if she wants to visit at such and such time on such and such day then that's fine. Otherwise, she can do one!!

I'd be telling DH I didn't want to hear another word about his bloody mother. Leave him to deal with her and her whining. His absolute priority should be protecting you and if it isn't then you have bigger issues to consider when you have recovered.

Agree it’s a DH problem! He needs to support you with what you need and stand up to MIL.

On the other hand, how close is MIL’s house to yours? If 10 minutes away or so, I might be inclined to let DH take the baby solo for an hour to meet the extended family while I relaxed at home. However, that is only if you felt happy and comfortable with that and your DH needs to respect your decision.

Your MIL sounds … a lot but having an involved and enthusiastic grandparent is usually a good thing and can be very handy when the kids are older and you are desperate to get rid of them for a night.

Surely your DH should block friends of his mother - ridiculous that they are contacting him to browbeat him.

Why doesn’t DH ring the friend and say he’s worried about his Mum? She is obviously spreading lies and the constant demanding is worrying him. It’s not the behaviour of a normal, rational person.

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. I don’t know why MIL’s have to be such bitches at times like these. They really show their true colours.

You have an internal wound the size of a dinner plate and a tiny newborn to look after.

If your DH had a wound the size of a dinner plate would he be popping round to your mum's to make her a cup of tea?

Your MIL pulls this because it works. You are not well enough to leave the house for anything other than necessary medical treatment - the end.

Tell your DH that, as suggested by him, you are not taking her behaviour seriously and as such will be ignoring her and staying at home. Honestly, I'd be having serious words with DH about this and also bringing it up with the midwife. DH can tell them you've been medically advised to stay at home for a minimum of two weeks and need complete rest - honestly he needs to step up and I'd be telling him so in no uncertain terms.

If she's going to tell everyone you are stopping her from seeing the baby whatever you do, I'd just do it. Say you couldn't bare making her a liar any longer.

Your MIL's mental health state is not your or your DH's responsibility, especially as she refuses to address it herself.

Congratulations on your new baby! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with ridiculous family when you have just given birth.

It really wasn't that long ago that mothers were expected to have a confinement period in a maternity hospital or their own homes for at least 2 weeks after birth.

I absolutely wouldn't be going to her house. Make sure she, and everyone in her family and that friend know she is fully welcome to visit you and the baby at home (and bring a meal/do the washing up/hang the laundry out etc) for the first month but you have no intention of visiting others at this stage. How bloody rude to expect this of you. I don't even think you should be having to travel to the midwife appointment, they should surely come to you.

I had similar problems. A friend shared an insight that was shared with her when she went through the same thing. It has stayed with me ever since. It goes like this:
How often do you see a grandmother cat curled up with its newborn kittens? Never!

Newborn babies are meant to be with their mothers. No one else. They are not even interested in Dad to begin with. They probably won't be interested in grandma for at least 6 months (more if they don't live nearby and have a positive relationship with you). If you feel anxious, your baby will feel anxious, just like a mother cat and her kittens. Birth is primordial. That little bundle was physically part of you only a few days ago and you are at the start of your fourth trimester. Your husband's only job is to protect you and the baby. If that means from his Mum then he just needs to suck it up and be a man, not a boy.

Re the midwife visit, in our area they are severely short-staffed so the day five and day 10 visits we had to go to them. I wangled a day five home visit because I was physically decrepit but day 10 had to leave the house/cost newborn bubble.

I can’t see how DH taking the baby to MIL is a solution because it (a) panders to MIL’s outrageous behaviour so she’ll keep doing it and (b) is of zero benefit to the baby or OP. If someone had tried to separate me from DS at day five I’d have clawed their eyes out. I didn’t want a break; I wanted to be superglued to him.

Just what exactly is your DH fearing by saying no to his mother???? Does he feel under obligation to allow her run roughshod over your first few weeks of your new baby??? Would he feel guilty by saying no to her?

If the answer to the above is yes he would fear saying no, that he would feel obligated to say yes to her and that he would feel guilty saying no to her, then he is mired in Fear Obligation and Guilt also known as FOG.
Help him (I know you shouldn't have to) get through the FOG and help him establish good enforceable boundaries between him and his family.

I 100% agree that the friend is a flying monkey so use them to your benefit rather than have them calling the shots in your life. @FlamingoQueen has a good suggestion about turning it around by saying to the friend that he's concerned about his mother and before you know it the friend will be concerned about the mother too.

She is playing silly beggars here as the attention is no longer on her or her family it's on you and yours. She is no longer the one in the spotlight so she is doing everything she knows how to, to get that spotlight back on her. Shine it on her (but probably not in the way she's expecting).

Congratulations on your new bundle. You should be able to enjoy this time without any interference from anyone.

She's having a tantrum because the attention is on her. I'd ring your midwife and explain what's going on. She might tell your hubby that you shouldn't be visiting people yet.

My mother in law used to throw tantrums if my hubby picked to spend time with me. She wanted to have ago at me on my wedding day because of where she chose to sit (she also wore white, like 80% white).

You have to stand up to her and say no! I'm a adult and I choose how I raise my chiandren. She had her time and didn't do a very good job as you are sorting him out.

I have no idea why my post did that.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’m just finding it difficult the comprehend about the lying too. Not sure if I should ask her personally when I see her next why she has been doing such. How could I even trust any of her other words at this stage if she can so easily lie about this.

her friend told Dh I should call mil and invite her and video call to show the baby. Surely, I’m the one who gave birth so should be called?

I don't understand why everyone is expecting you to do all the visiting 4 days post birth. That's insane!

Fuck that. You stay at home, rest and everyone should be coming to you. Your DH should absolutely have your back on this. He should be telling his mum, her friend and his extended family or whoever, they are welcome to visit, but you are NOT making housecalls to anyone.

I'm not sure you're angry enough about this, OP.

I'm not trying to encourage you to feel more upset, but you need to REST! You have GIVEN BIRTH! Your baby is days old! No matter what requests are made, no matter what lying gossip anyone wants to natter over, you need to REST. That isn't just a nicey, old-fashioned, wishy washy thing to do if you can, it's essential for the wellbeing and health of you and baby.

Telling you to see MIL and then video call her friend to "show the baby"?!?!?

I'm apoplectic to be honest, and absolutely aghast. Please, please, OP, don't entertain any of this utter, utter nonsense. It's upsetting that MIL is telling people you and DH are keeping her away from baby, but that is HER decision, and I think you'll find most people are wise enough to take things with a pinch of salt if they know they don't know the whole story. Regardless, people can say whatever they want, at any time, no matter what you do. She's completely fabricated a story about being kept away from her grandchild when that's not what's happened, so why bother doing what she wants when she clearly feels able to spread lies whenever she feels like? The truth has no relevance to her so just ignore her.

Please OP, stop entertaining the idea of visiting ANYONE. Stop. Stay home with baby. Rest and recover and nourish yourself and baby in these first few precious early days and weeks. Fuck everyone else.

I need to add: tell your DH to STEP UP!!!!! He needs to be supporting you on this (and in general), and handling the MIL issues. He's falling short here, massively.

DH is deep in the Fog sadly. He knows the right thing to do but is so afraid of his mum's response that his normal good sense is being overridden. It's a lifetime of conditioning that's led to this, he will need you pushing and dragging him constantly to help him not to give in to this behaviour. OP, also look up flying monkeys. That's the friend and siblings.