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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

265 replies

Kardelen · 19/02/2023 20:59

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 19/02/2023 23:11

@Newlifestartingatlast
i said I had a break down, but he said I shouldn’t as there’s no point. That his mums just got mental health.

but the trouble is she denies she has, and refuses any help. She can’t even get tested to see if she does as she refuses saying she doesn’t.
so if she doesn’t get what she wants she just keeps repeating this behaviour.

I’ve noticed it’s when I told her I’m pregnant on both occasions she became like this, and when I give birth. Just seems like it’s some sort of jealousy that her son is going to forget about her.

her fried even said that she wants attention, but as usual started sugar coating as if it’s something innocent and we should give in.

Mil calls, and doesn’t hang up after talking to DH. Instead talks to his siblings and says how much effort she put into raising them etc etc. she also always mentions this.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 19/02/2023 23:16

Don't give into her manipulative behaviour. Your priority is you and your children, and so should it be your DH's priority.

Don't enable her behaviour by giving in.

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/02/2023 23:33

Your body needs to rest and heal! You absolutely should not be going anywhere for 3 to 4 weeks!
I couldn't even bloody walk for 2 weeks after dd3.
Not to mention putting your baby at risk to germs and illness by leaving the house.
Stay home OP!

mrsmacmc · 19/02/2023 23:33

OP your MIL sounds 🦇 💩 😜. DH needs to step up here massively and tell her to back off and stop spreading lies! There is no way whatsoever would I be out visiting 4 days post delivery. New mums & babies get visited! Good for you for telling her there were no visits allowed at the hospital I can't think of anything worse than being in a vulnerable position with MIL anywhere near me ❤️

mrsmacmc · 19/02/2023 23:35

Rightsraptor · 19/02/2023 22:42

When I was a midwife I was quite happy to be cited as the gatekeeper - 'the midwife says I shouldn't take the baby out for 2 weeks/I shouldn't have sex yet/I shouldn't do any housework for 3 weeks'. Whatever the women wanted. So could you try that?

Otherwise, yes your man needs a backbone.

I'm grandmother and I cannot understand these self-centred women like your MiL. Utterly selfish and thoughtless.

Banking this phrase @Rightsraptor thank you ❤️

been and done it. · 19/02/2023 23:46

Rightsraptor · 19/02/2023 22:44

When did new mothers get 2 weeks in hospital? My first was born in the late 70s and I should have stayed in 1 week, I think. I didn't.

The next was early 80s and the norm was 5 nights, I think.

1975 - 1st baby in for 1 week
1976 - 2nd baby 15 hours
1981 - 3rd baby 2 days..lived in the sticks midwife refused to travel.

NaturalBae · 19/02/2023 23:49

Absolutely ridiculous. Stick to your guns. Nothing worse than toxic people, especially toxic family members.

After giving birth in the early hours of the morning, I went home later that same day to find my Mother and Sister sitting in my Living Room, even though they had been told not to visit.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

user1477391263 · 19/02/2023 23:52

OP, where I live, they don’t even let you out of hospital till day 5. More for a complicated birth. And you are supposed to spend the first few weeks resting mostly at home. People are supposed to come and see YOU, not the other way round.

Tell her to do one. Stay on the sofa with your baby.

LadyJ2023 · 19/02/2023 23:54

You have to go to the midwife 5 days after giving birth? Where do you live cause where I am they visit the house you don't go out

tattygrl · 20/02/2023 00:06

DPotter · 19/02/2023 21:13

Newborn babies and new delivered mothers are visited - they do not visit. Your DH had it right first time. He should tell this friend where to go.

Stand firm - she can visit and her friends will have to wait. Tell your DH you ain't going anywhere - full stop. Her friend needs to back off pronto - it's absolutely none of her business.

I'll phone her if you like. Just let me have her phone number

THIS!!!!!

Namechanger355 · 20/02/2023 00:18

you do you

I’ve never heard of new mums visiting anyone so soon anyway

id really recommend a book called “after birth” - it covers this and so much more

JFDIYOLO · 20/02/2023 00:22

Yet another man needs to step up, man up and protect his wife from his mother.

'No. She's not ready to travel - sitting in a car a few days after giving birth is far too painful.

We'll be pleased to have visitors / go visiting when she's recovered from the birth and feeling stronger.

As I say, that won't be a while yet.

Til then, here are some gorgeous photos of your grandchild!'

Also she's five years younger than I am. She is not frickin old.

Perry34 · 20/02/2023 00:31

your MIL is batshit and your DH needs to get his priorities in order

Kedece2410 · 20/02/2023 00:46

GettingStuffed · 19/02/2023 21:05

I had a traumatic first birth and went to stay at my MiL's who spoilt me something rotten .

What relevance is that to the OPs situation though

Spongeboob · 20/02/2023 01:11

Broken record "You/they are welcome here". Don’t expand on that. DH is a wet blanket if he's not supporting you here.

TiaI · 20/02/2023 01:24

look turn off all the phones, ignore texts WhatsApp’s and emails and just be with your baby. Beforehand post on the family WhatsApp that you’re exhausted so will need to lay low for the week and be quiet. Don’t read messages posted after your statement. Let mother in law stew and act out but don’t listen or get involved. Tell DH you’re not interested in dramatics and he needs to be more boundaried. Focus on yourself and the baby.

Ihadenough22 · 20/02/2023 02:36

You need to tell your husband that it time he grew up and put you ahead of this mother.
I would tell him I have just given birth to a baby X number of days ago, I am tired, hormonal and I need to rest. I would also tell him that I don't want to be bringing a new born baby out and meeting a lot of people as you don't want the baby getting sick.

For my health I do not need your mother bad mouthing me and dealing with the stress she is causing me because you refuse to deal with her.

Since his mother has forgotten how tired you are after giving birth why don't you ring her every time you get up with the baby during the night? Let her listen to baby crying down her phone say anytime between 1.30 and 5.00 each morning.

Disturb her sleep for a few nights. Start on a Sunday night especially if she has a job.
Ring her landline if she has one and you can wake up her whole house.

Maryandherlamb · 20/02/2023 02:39

I think I'd go... only to be able to look her in the eye and ask her why she's been telling people that we've been stopping her from seeing the baby.

GG1986 · 20/02/2023 02:54

If my mil acted like this I would tell her to piss off myself! You have just had a baby, you are sore, bleeding, milk is coming in, emotional and busy so stay at home and be with your babies and look after yourself. Mil and her mates can wait until you are ready end of. Dh needs to stand by you also.

StopStartStop · 20/02/2023 02:56

Im really angry on your behalf OP. You do not have to visit anyone. Your mil can fuck off. So don’t let her get to you.

This.
You are the mother. She is the grandma. We grandmas are peripheral, not central.
You make the rules.
Everyone else goes along with what you say.
That's your status. Remember.

Sugarfree23 · 20/02/2023 03:11

Just keep repeating anyone is welcome for a short visit.
That includes the mums friend.
I'd be tempted to set up a family What's App and post a few photos.

Fraaahnces · 20/02/2023 03:13

Time to stand up to DH and MIL. Let them both know that you are tired of this game and if she wants to be involved in your baby’s life then she has to stop being manipulative and start being reasonable. She has been told she has been told from the start that she is welcome at your home. She is ignoring that because she wants to show your baby off. It’s too early, you don’t feel well enough and it’s not happening. Your baby is not a doll and you’re not stupid. She either visits in your home or not at all until YOU are ready. The more she plays these stupid mind games, the longer it’s likely to take.

Codlingmoths · 20/02/2023 03:29

I didn’t take dc places with a newborn. So mil met her when they dropped the other dc off when we got home from hospital then didn’t see her for 2 months as she didn’t have time to drive over with looking after other gc. They are 15 mins away, she made a few plans to come over but canceled them all last minute because sil needed help with her dc. I’d have hit the roof if anyone said I was keeping her from seeing baby!!

StarsSand · 20/02/2023 03:39

My PIL did this. Demanded the baby be brought to them.

Inexplicably selfish and pigheaded behaviour and I am still mad about it years later.

Say no. How ridiculous for them to expect that when you literally just had a baby.

Your DH needs a proper talking to. If you don't come first now, at this moment in your lives together, when you have literally just given birth and are still recovering, then when will he ever put you first?

My DH was an auto pilot doing what mummy said. It made my life a misery and led to PND. When our baby was four months old I absolutely blew up at him and told him I felt like he was observing me struggling but putting hurdles in my path regardless and it made me doubt whether I could rely on him at all. I screamed and cried, things he'd never seen me do before.

It saved our marriage honestly.

Sometimes you need to be a squeaky wheel. It sounds like MIL is good at playing the victim. Make it clear whose needs actually need to be prioritised right now. And be very clear about it.

OrangeRhymesWith · 20/02/2023 03:40

OP I'm sorry that in this time when DH should be caring for you and thinking of your emotional well-being he is thinking of MIL's - that's her hope and plan.

would he be open to listening to how it has and will affect your mental and physical health to be exposed to this drama and stress and his mother will get over it but you won't - it sounds like her antics with your first child has impacted you already.

unfortunately it sounds like your DH was brought up in an emotionally abusive way in his emotional survival was dependent on his mum's approval. This situation has caused him to panic - his mum and this friends disapproval has put him into a childlike state where he NEEDS to do the things she asks. He is telling himself it's not that big a deal for you, won't impact that much on you and even if it does it's an ok cost to pay to ensure his mums approval - you have to show him that the cost to you and the relationship of his pandering to his mum is serious