Being pressured to visit in-laws after birth?

[Kardelen]

4 days ago had a baby. Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital the next day. She mentioned about going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby. DH said it’s too early and for me to have more time to recover. MIL got very upset at this and since then she has been ignoring DH calls time to time. DH keeps inviting her around but she is refusing. However she told other people like her close friend that we are not letting her see the baby. Her close friend now keeps calling DH and saying how it’s his mum, so not to ditch and how she is acting childish as she’s getting older and to bare with her (she’s 55) and how she’s excited as a grandmother.

So DH did u turn. I have a midwife appt tomorrow and he is saying for us to visit after that. Which I don’t mind but she probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond? Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?

I’ve been in tears ever since I heard she told people that we don’t let her see the baby. When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed. I promised myself that this time round I’m not going to get upset but I just can’t help it. I’m angry at myself!

the other thing is if she does invite her extended family and we go, I’m gonna be expected to help out. Im feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I’d be okay to be hosting in a few days!

aibu to wanting staying at home and doing the gathering later on?

If you end up being forced to go, make sure you bleed all over her fucking sofa.

YANBU. If you think you're tired now, wait til next week. You'll be shattered.

Don't pander to your MIL's tantrum.

Clearly your H has been conditioned to roll over by long experience of this sort of atrocious behaviour.

Refuse to engage with H and with MIL.

The friend who has told your H to videoncall is what is known as a flying monkey.

What is happening here is that your mother in law has manufactured a crisis in order to focus all the attention of the wider family, of your husband, and your attention too, on her.

You are dealing with a flaming narcissist here. She can't stand it that everyone is all excited about the baby. She can't stand it that nobody's life is centered around her just just now. So she has concocted this social event - visiting her and having all the family come 'to see the baby' - where she would take over and get the attention she craves. And the pushback has tipped her into high gear.

You need to do some research into narcissism. Forewarned is forearmed.

I feel like I’m going to go crazy.
now DH is extended family members are calling to talk about this.

i will never ever forgive mil and their family for ruining this experience. I am just so upset, but unsure what to do

Your mil is a stupid, selfish twat.

And your dh is pathetic.

Honestly, you block them on your phone. DH can do what he wants – block or field calls by saying “Are you fucking KIDDING? She JUST HAD A BABY” – but he also shields you from knowing about it. Ask for zero information about his crazy family.

Remind him you JUST HAD A BABY: “DH, I am tired and hormonal and up to my tits in lochia and pain and sleep deprivation and hormones and milk and I want to be with my baby. Stop telling me about MIL’s attack dogs. I’m going nowhere. She’s welcome to visit – but it’s a limited time offer. If she and the flying monkeys keep it up, they’re barred. They’re ruining this for me. I should be in newborn bubble bliss, not thinking about your batshit mother. Make it STOP.”

Then retire to bed with your baby and a box of milk tray.

Everything @bussteward said.

You remind your husband who he is married to, that's what you do, and his first loyalty is to you, always. I would then tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not pander to your MIL's emotional terrorism. You are not going to her house and you're not speaking to her. End of. Tell your husband to grow some balls and stop being such a sad little mummy's boy.

I feel so angry on your behalf.

I would stop any communication with them and let your DH deal with his family.

I would expect him to have your back on this 100%. I can't believe your MIL is making this all about herself.

Oh yes, everything @bussteward said. EVERYTHING. As others have said, some MILs are to be pitied not maligned, but this one is a [deleted expletive]. YANBU.

I feel like I’m going to go crazy.
now DH is extended family members are calling to talk about this.

Ignore them. Mute them if it's WhatsApp.

Can you ask your husband to issue a statement saying that vistors are welcome, but you aren't up to visiting anyone just yet.

This is nuts. Your DH needs to be protecting you from his family and their selfishness at this time. They are being SO unreasonable.

(Arrghhhhhhhh they have made me so angry!)

Pm me your mil phone number. I'll decline her invite by text for you....

Seriously, you shouldn't be going. Stay home and enjoy your baby. Oh shouldn't be putting his mum straight

And the thing is, I also have a toddler to look after. So I have a toddler and a newborn. But these crazy people are not letting me do either.
i feel like writing on the group chat I am in with them to leave me alone.

DH is still talking on the phone in a separate room as they asked to talk ‘ privately ‘.

And I’m here just working myself up and in tears. I feel angry at myself as well as I said I would not let this happen this time.

funny enough the person that is calling now is also expecting their first baby. So let’s see what happens to them

This is insane.

Your DH needs tell them off for causing all this drama and support you while you are bonding with your baby.

This is a second thread I am reading today where DH is being absolutely useless when it comes to managing their family.

He needs to put you and the baby first!

Honestly I would be speaking on the phone in front of your husband setting up an appointment with a shit hot divorce attorney because on a good day I will not tolerate abuse but four days postpartum all.bets.are.off! He'd have to drag me there kicking and screaming and once there I'd let loose and everyone in that room at MIL's place would be crying. As a registered nurse believe you me I protected my cardiac patients after procedures and illnesses and a mother so fresh from birth? No way would I stand by and not say anything to your husband and in laws

Personally, I preferred to visit which is what we did with DD2. We had too many badly timed visits with DD1 who wanted waiting on and outstayed their welcome. Visiting let us control that. It is different for everyone though.

But only so we could control when we got there and how long we stayed. This also didn't include big gatherings. I would potentially visit MIL so she can't say you aren't letting her see the baby, but don't give more than 10 mins notice (if any at all) so you don't end up being in a family party.

Honestly, if you're not feeling able to cut your DH's family off short term until you're ready then use your hormones to your advantage and scare them off. If you're crying while DH is on the phone to one of these batshit relatives then grab the phone and sob down the line that you've invited MIL multiple times and DH will screenshot and send the messages as proof. Absolutely go to town on them with your emotions. Sometimes you have to fight hysterical with hysterical. Common sense doesn't always prevail.

Sorry OP, just seen the updates about extended family calling.

Ignore the advice above - fuck visiting if they cannot respect a new mum RECOVERING FROM GROWING AND DELIVERING AN ACTUAL HUMAN!!

Take it easy, don't be forced into anything and feel free to remind your DH that as you were the one giving birth, your wishes pip his and MIL.

DH said how they said the mum is struggling to walk, and has swollen ankle etc. strange because I did see her t he first day when she had stayed over, and she was completely fine. None of DH siblings or her friend mentioned this either. So I’m finding it hard to believe after the other lie.

Are your parents around to support you @Kardelen?

Flipping cheek. You have enough on your plate without this nonsense., Tell her you look forward to visiting and introducing everyone once baby has their 12 week jabs.

Tell him to take the toddler to visit with his mum and leave you to bond with the baby. You need peace and rest not all this nonsense. If it continues I would stop taking everyone's calls. You and your newborn are the priority at the moment.

Ultimately, I think your husband is the issue. He should be shouting this shit down.

I'm so sorry you feel this way

Deep breaths, it'll be sorted soon. Hormones won't be helping. Have a big cry and let it all out if you need to. Your MIL is clearly bonkers!

You don't have to go anywhere you don't want to. You don't owe anyone a visit unless you want them here.

Would it be helpful for you/DH to send a message on the chat 'hello everyone, please see some pics of gorgeous baby. As you might have heard we had a difficult time with delivery and recovery so I'm going to focus on recovery for the next few days. Please contact DH if you'd like to pop in for visit we'd love to see you and I'm sure you understand that I might be in bed on doctors orders. Hope to see you all soon when recovery allows . OP'

Then you're controlling the communications, sending a clear message and explaining that you need some time to recover and obviously not excluding anyone. Then mute the chat and focus on recovering and bonding.

Congratulations on your baby