To be so angry with my 19 year old son

[Lovelycupofcoffee]

So my son has announced today that he had his review at work and told them he’s looking for other jobs . They said they were happy to keep him employed full time but after this news he’s being let go . Surely (and in my employment experience) you get another job first . He was earning good money in this job . I know he wasn’t keen on working weekends but giving up a job that pays good money without another job to go to just seems like utter madness. I was so angry this morning I had to go out for a few hours .

He got sacked for saying he was job hunting? And it’s HIM you’re mad at?!

It's a bit of a leap to assume that is the case. If they needed the staff then it wouldn't make any sense at all to dismiss someone for job hunting. More likely that they were looking to cut back on staff and let some people go, and the ones you'd decide to keep would be the ones most likely to stay the course. It doesn't mean they will, and any employer would know that people might move on. But equally, if someone tells you that that is their intention in the short term, they won't be high on your retention list if you are cutting back.

Yes very naive.. but these are all valuable life lessons. I have an almost 18 year old ds and like another poster has said, the stuff he comes out with regarding work, he’s in cooku land.

I now approach things with my ds (who is always right and can’t be told anything) is to let him get on with it. I advise, if he listens, great, if he doesn’t then it’s him that has to live the with consequences if it doesn’t go to plan.

He’s barely an adult. What sort of mother comes on here and gets everyone to take sides against their own son? How very odd you are. I hope you’ve never made a single mistake in your life.

Of course he shouldn't have told them. But he is 19, that was a bit if a life lesson for him. Why be so angry you have to leave the house? You sound over invested in his business - let him run his life and make his own mistakes, and only give advice if he asks. Don't get angry if he confides in you.

Very silly.

It's perfectly legal, assuming he hasn't been there for two years, which at his age is unlikely.

At his age, I had 27 jobs in 2 years 😂I still get dinner party stories out of that!

If his job was a first step to his most-wanted career, it was probably unwise - although there would still be plenty of circumstances where this would be the right move.

If it was a power play, you might gently explain to him that you have more bargaining strength after a really great review, and the advantages to telling your employer you absolutely lurve your job but have concerns about your pay/terms/prospects going forward with them.

On the other hand, saying you want to leave simply because you don't much like it there makes perfect sense. Trying to sneak around getting a better job on the quiet is a nightmare. This way, he's all out in the open with a fortnight's pay to bank. Wishing him luck and a nicer post soon!

Well, no, it's brought by common sense.

@Xol common sense is not common among the young. Frankly plenty of people never acquire any at all. Never was a quality so wrongly named.

My son lost an apprenticeship through a mixture of him saying the wrong things and being a bit of a space cadet at times. Also the employer was pretty rotten to him, a bit of a bully really. I will never know exactly what went on, but hopefully he has learnt something. He has a new job and a college place for September. It's rarely a straight forward path for a lot of young people these days.

You’re right of course, but I am not sure that you getting angry is that useful. He’s got to learn these things for himself, without parental emotions involved. I think I would have shrugged and said “well that was a bit silly, good luck with finding a better new job quickly” and moved on with my day! If he’s earning good money though I really hope you’re charging him board, even at a very low level, as that’s the best way for him to learn the value of employment- people who live for decades on the bank of mum and dad are notoriously shit and entitled employees.

I wonder if the anger you feel is a surface emotion? That deep down you're frightened that he's going backwards and are scarred for his mental health? It's 'easier' to be angry, more vulnerable to be frightened

Sounds like he had his probation review and told them he didn't want to stay and they said fine. Don't blame the employer for doing the exact same thing employee would do.

Hi OP, in my opinion he made a stupid mistake but he’s young and can get on and move on so unlikely there’s real harm done. If you’ve calmed yourself this is good, you can say you think it would have been more sensible to secure his next job before revealing his hand to his employer but then simply encourage him in his job search and put it down to experience.

I'd be annoyed too but young people have to learn things for themselves! He will be OK. How has he reacted to being let go? Does he appear to have learned from this?

I know a woman who was about 25 and did that. She was very naive too. And no it wasn't me!

Poor employer

My boss knows I want out on promotion, and he says the only way I'm allowed to leave his team is on promotion

There is no promotion post available in my section so if I achieve it, he will be down a member of staff and I'll be relocated - but he recognises that I'm young, ambitious and more than capable

He also actively helps me in every way to achieve this and points out things to note for the interview. He regularly sits on panels. We have an excellent relationship

It does seem harsh to be angry with him for being honest. Also, wrongheaded to think it would be good for his mental health to lie to his employer and stay in a job that he is not fully enjoying while he secretly applies for other jobs and lies about where he is going when he has interviews. Sometimes, it is good to learn from your mistakes and not to be blamed for making them - if this turns out to have been a mistake. You could talk through the risk he has taken, its pros and its cons, but it is not helpful to be angry, as I suspect you have concluded now you have recovered from the shock of his announcement!

I might be missing something?

But if they've let him go why does he need to work notice?

You usually only work notice when you've handed your notice to leave in?

It really depends on why he told. I’m in a professional role, and I told my last two managers I was looking for another job. I had good relationships with them and my reasons for looking were nothing to do with them as I simply wanted my career to go in a different direction, so I was fully transparent. Would have reflected worse on them if they put me on gardening leave because of it.

Because they'll said "It's best you hand your notice in then". They haven't actually sacked him, but after the conversation he can't really stay on.

I did this when I was younger & I look back on it actually. I think what my parents did & what kept me in line was I had to pay rent & that was that. I hated my job & one day I just left. I came home & I could see how they was still expecting their rent & I had bills of my own aswell. I went out that evening & walked into a pub & asked for a job & was given it. It was only weekends & one week day but it was enough to tide me over & give me some think space. I've kept that mentality since. I'm a grafter I think money not happiness so to speak. When I need to ill suck it up & just get on with what I need at the time. I'm not fussy because I understand things Need paying. At 19 i don't think you can decide on a solid career path but you still need money.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

I don't think he did anything wrong at all! You were so angry you needed time away. Because he told his employer that he, a 19 year old, wasn't intending on working there forever. I think they were shitty to sack him and it shows what kind of company they are to work for.

It's not like he's your husband and father of your children and you rely on him to put food on the table. He's 19, he's been sacked unfairly, he'll have a bit less money for a month while he gets another job. No harm done.

He’s young. It was a mistake to tell them. However, in a world where people interview and get job offers for roles they don’t really want in order to negotiate a higher salary or promotion with their existing employer, perhaps he has picked up some mixed messages.