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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell this man to back off shouting at the pharmacist assistant?

356 replies

SurferRona · 18/02/2023 22:44

I was in a large pharmacists earlier to pick up antibiotics and a man being served by an assistant in front of me suddenly started shouting at her telling her to ‘say please, if you want me to pay’ that ‘you don’t just say that’ll be £21.01, you say please. Now say please and I’ll pay’, ‘I expect you to be courteous and say please to me, say please and I’ll pay’…. Properly angry. The woman was youngish and looked scared, and didn’t seem to know how to respond, or what to do. So I called across to him to back off, there was no need for that, couldn’t he see he was scaring her? He then turns on me telling me to keep out of it, nothing to do with me. I responded again saying it was to do with me as he was bullying a scared young woman, which was also racist (assistant looked to be of south Asian descent), there no need for it, and he was clearly just having a go at a young woman just trying to do her job. The male pharmacy manager then came over and the man quietened down. He then kept saying he wasn’t racist- but I thought it was as he wouldn’t have behaved like that to a white man serving him, and did quieten down once the male pharmacist came across. WIBU for intervening like that? My other half keeps telling me to keep my neb out of things like that, but I just kept thinking what if it were my daughter…. How else should I have dealt with it? If at all? I have no idea if I just made it worse for the young woman assistant☹️

OP posts:
buonnatale · 18/02/2023 22:46

I don't think you were unreasonable for intervening. I think, for what it's worth, that you did the right thing. Flowers

silverclock222 · 18/02/2023 22:47

The only thing I disagree with is the racist aspect but apart from that good fir you!

Solow12 · 18/02/2023 22:48

I would’ve said something as well, OP. Not sure I would’ve called racism as it sounds like he didn’t make reference to her race, but well done for standing up for her.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 18/02/2023 22:48

You were right to speak up for her - no excuse for shouting at customer service staff. Next thing, that woman will be handing in her notice and customers like him will be ranting because they're short-staffed and he's having to queue.

I don't know that I would have brought racism into it - obviously I wasn't there - but in my experience pricks like that will bully and intimidate anyone who can't fight back, regardless of race.

MyOldFriendTime · 18/02/2023 22:49

Maybe racist but most likely sexist. You're right he wouldn't have started on a white bloke but probably would've done the same to a young white girl. Either way he sounds like an idiot, so well done for standing up for her.

PeekAtYou · 18/02/2023 22:50

You did the right thing. Too many people abuse workers in retail.

TheShellBeach · 18/02/2023 22:50

He was very rude and overbearing but not racist.

coffeecookie · 18/02/2023 22:51

Good that you stand up for her but racist of you to assume that race played a part!

Sounds like general nasty got to me.

TessoftheDubonnet · 18/02/2023 22:52

I wish more people had your gumption!

Flowerfairy101 · 18/02/2023 22:54

Well done you, I bet she really appreciated it. I worked in a bakery as a late teen and got shit like this off a certain type of man all the time. Nasty bullies who got a kick out of upsetting a young woman. I had one who came in when I was on my lunch so I said I'll go and fetch someone for you, I'm just on break and he went berserk and tried to insist I was to get up off my lunch and serve him even when my colleague appeared. Gives me the rage thinking about it.

catfunk · 18/02/2023 22:55

Racist?

EarthFireAirWater · 18/02/2023 22:58

I used to work in a pharmacy and men like that were a common occurrence, unfortunately.
Shouting, talking to you like you were an idiot and when the male pharmacist or manager showed up they were ever so charming.

Also had it with a male patient on the phone. Then when we would pass the phone to a male colleague the patient will be very polite and calm. It reached a point where if we answered the phone and we realised it was "Mr Smith" we would immediately pass the phone to our male colleague as there was no point trying to talk to him.

I see them as men hating women.

Itisbetter · 18/02/2023 22:59

Manners work both ways and he was being extremely rude. I’d have said something too.

wedonttalkaboutyouno · 18/02/2023 22:59

He probably wasn’t being racist, just an arse to a young woman he was ‘brave’ enough to try to intimidate, but hopefully by accusing him of it, you made his feel uncomfortable. Good for you for standing up to him. I bet you are an absolute hero to that lady!

Original poster
SurferRona · 18/02/2023 23:00

thats interesting @coffeecookie, on the way home I was worried that I was maybe being a bit ‘white saviour’ with it, if you know what I mean? (I am white). He didn’t use racist language, no, but I definitely thought her race was a reason why he felt able to be so abusive. Maybe more of the unconscious discrimination, and because of her sex/gender, and age too. Thanks for all comments PPs, I feel less worried about it now!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 18/02/2023 23:00

Yanbu. I think things like this are happening with alarming frequency.

MrsMikeDrop · 18/02/2023 23:01

silverclock222 · 18/02/2023 22:47

The only thing I disagree with is the racist aspect but apart from that good fir you!

Agree with this. I don't think it was racist though, in fact you were being racist thinking it was. What does his race have to do with anything Hmm

Original poster
SurferRona · 18/02/2023 23:02

That’s horrific EarthFireAirWater, it’s been decades since I was in a retail or service job, but never had people like that to deal with. Not a job I could today!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 18/02/2023 23:03

@SurferRona To go against the grain I do think her race played a part.

whereaw · 18/02/2023 23:06

Her race might have played a part but it's not at all certain. Odd to jump to that conclusion...

Original poster
SurferRona · 18/02/2023 23:06

Thanks @VladmirsPoutine so do I. Nothing I could point to in the words he used, but that was 100% what I thought at the time and so I just said it. The use of that word to him seemed to be what made him check himself too, up until then he was happy to yell at me as much too 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
BCBird · 18/02/2023 23:07

Good for you. Don't agree thatbyiu know he was racist. Sexist maybe? An asshole definitely 🙄

Tailstock · 18/02/2023 23:08

I'm glad you called him out OP, that's disgraceful behaviour! Who the hell does he think he is

Ceilingplaits · 18/02/2023 23:08

I agree race is likely to have been part of it. Partly because it sounds like he thought he was correcting her language, but also because such men are as likely to be racist as misogynist. He didn't say anything sexist, but we know he might not have spoken to a man in that way. A non-white man, though...yes.

whereaw · 18/02/2023 23:10

The thing is, she might have just thought 'horrible old man having a go for no reason' now she think's horrible old man having a go because of my race'...