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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell this man to back off shouting at the pharmacist assistant?

356 replies

SurferRona · 18/02/2023 22:44

I was in a large pharmacists earlier to pick up antibiotics and a man being served by an assistant in front of me suddenly started shouting at her telling her to ‘say please, if you want me to pay’ that ‘you don’t just say that’ll be £21.01, you say please. Now say please and I’ll pay’, ‘I expect you to be courteous and say please to me, say please and I’ll pay’…. Properly angry. The woman was youngish and looked scared, and didn’t seem to know how to respond, or what to do. So I called across to him to back off, there was no need for that, couldn’t he see he was scaring her? He then turns on me telling me to keep out of it, nothing to do with me. I responded again saying it was to do with me as he was bullying a scared young woman, which was also racist (assistant looked to be of south Asian descent), there no need for it, and he was clearly just having a go at a young woman just trying to do her job. The male pharmacy manager then came over and the man quietened down. He then kept saying he wasn’t racist- but I thought it was as he wouldn’t have behaved like that to a white man serving him, and did quieten down once the male pharmacist came across. WIBU for intervening like that? My other half keeps telling me to keep my neb out of things like that, but I just kept thinking what if it were my daughter…. How else should I have dealt with it? If at all? I have no idea if I just made it worse for the young woman assistant☹️

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 19/02/2023 07:51

We need more people willing to stand up for others in public.

We need less people (mainly men) to feel they have a right and confident that they can abuse people in public. The more confidence they get that's it's ok in plain sight the more confidence they get to do worse behind closed doors.

MozzarellaBaby · 19/02/2023 07:53

Undoubtedly racist. Anyone who bullies someone younger and smaller is undoubtedly racist as fuck. Awful person.

rexythedinosaur · 19/02/2023 07:59

SurferRona · 18/02/2023 23:00

thats interesting @coffeecookie, on the way home I was worried that I was maybe being a bit ‘white saviour’ with it, if you know what I mean? (I am white). He didn’t use racist language, no, but I definitely thought her race was a reason why he felt able to be so abusive. Maybe more of the unconscious discrimination, and because of her sex/gender, and age too. Thanks for all comments PPs, I feel less worried about it now!

He didn't do or say anything relating to her race, so this was entirely your assumption really - could be interesting to examine your own unconscious discrimination around race perhaps?

(Gently - I still think you did the right thing and were awesome to intervene!)

We all have unconscious biases. Things like this can be interesting ways of recognising and challenging them.

Tonkerbea · 19/02/2023 08:00

Sounded like racism to me, implied by the correcting of her language.

Everyone so sure it couldn't possibly be racism, I'm betting the majority are viewing the incident through the lens of white privilege.

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 08:02

I think unless you heard his tone you can't know whether he was racist or just a dick - and OP heard his tone.

emptythelitterbox · 19/02/2023 08:05

Well done! More people should speak up to loud mouth bullies!

Some white dude started mouthing off at the airport queue at the women airline personnel. Flight got rerouted due to snow.

I just said, shouting isn't going to change a thing with the snow and getting a new ticket. He calmed down and and the queue resumed normally.

I got my ticket and didn't bother looking at it until later as was exhausted, and the airline personnel had bumped me up to first class! Grin

SpareHeirOverThere · 19/02/2023 08:09

MissMaple82 · 18/02/2023 23:15

What the Holy fuck did you bring race into it for????? How dare you accuse someone if being racist. The man was clearly obnoxious, but to outright call them a racist is pretty diabolical

Calling him racist was exactly the right move. Being racist matters; no one cares if you hate women. Doesn't matter what his motivation was anyway - neither the OP nor the clerk were there to psychoanalyse him - they just wanted him to back the fuck off.

junebirthdaygirl · 19/02/2023 08:10

I presume as he was in a pharmacy he could have severe mental health difficulties. That would have been my first presumption.. not that he was being racist. I don't blame you for intervening but l am sure in a pharmacy they have a lot of experience dealing with mental health issues.

Rhino94 · 19/02/2023 08:11

SpareHeirOverThere · 19/02/2023 08:09

Calling him racist was exactly the right move. Being racist matters; no one cares if you hate women. Doesn't matter what his motivation was anyway - neither the OP nor the clerk were there to psychoanalyse him - they just wanted him to back the fuck off.

Show quote history

But at what point was he racist? I’ve been abused many a times by older, mostly male customers when I was younger working in retail, and I’m white…

gogohmm · 19/02/2023 08:13

You weren't wrong in intervening but I do have some sympathy for this opinion about manners (his execution was wrong, too confrontational!) I've encountered too many bored, rude shop assistants, it's not even the please, it's the way you say words, smiling and making eye contact too. I would never dream of demanding a please but I have felt like writing to shops (I haven't).

gogohmm · 19/02/2023 08:15

I disagree that it was likely to be rate oriented too, I suspect it was ageist, older guy talking down to a young woman though.

NotAdultingToday · 19/02/2023 08:17

Op you did the right thing!

Having worked in a community pharmacy and now a hospital pharmacy the abuse we get is hideous. And most of the time we can not say anything back for fear of complaints. Its the part of my job i hate i moved from community for this reason as i was sick of the abuse for things out of my control. Now im in hospital im more behind the scenes but anytime i have to help with public i hate it. Which is a shame because i used to love being able to help people and make them feel better.
As im getting older i just dont want to deal with the abuse and i am more used to it i understand people are sick and frustrated. But there have been times i have been intimated (by a man) and thats not right especially when you know they wouldnt be the same with my male colleagues.
Sorry for the rant! I wish there were more people like you Op

fedupathome · 19/02/2023 08:28

@MissMaple82 Never heard of unconscious bias then.

For what it's worth I think you did the right thing and I think he was racist too OP.

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 08:30

junebirthdaygirl · 19/02/2023 08:10

I presume as he was in a pharmacy he could have severe mental health difficulties. That would have been my first presumption.. not that he was being racist. I don't blame you for intervening but l am sure in a pharmacy they have a lot of experience dealing with mental health issues.

Well that's a huge leap...

Redebs · 19/02/2023 08:34

Well done @SurferRona 🌺
Thank you for not being a bystander to this bully.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 19/02/2023 08:34

You were totally in the right OP. Impossible to say if it’s racism, but certainly misogyny as he wouldn’t have shouted had the assistant been a man. We need to stand up to arseholes and selfish people, otherwise there is no chance of the world getting better. Well done.

Dibbydoos · 19/02/2023 08:35

How was that racist? Seriously just cos someone is of colour doesn't mean anyone being rude is racist.

He got angry quickly shame on him. But he is right, British society is so mixed now, what was very British - politeness - is now pretty much gone.

Shame on your for not intervening in a more constructive way - dont shout, go and stand closer, in a quiet voice ask her if she's OK. And tell him you agree with him we do seem to have lost the knack of saying please but but everyone is different and as long as she thanks you all is good only you never let ger get to saying thank you. Hope you both have a great day.

I voted YABU reasonable because you have no idea what racism is. Go educate yourself.

Mrsherdwick · 19/02/2023 08:43

@Reclaimtheoutdoors I wish there was a like button for posts like yours, you hit the nail on the head 100%.

Ludo19 · 19/02/2023 08:45

He was shouting at her because he was an arsehole not because he was racist.

I've had plenty of rude patients, all of them white, it's like me assuming it's because I'm Scottish/Irish. No it's because they were wanks.

toomuchlaundry · 19/02/2023 08:45

@Dibbydoos who are you blaming the lack of politeness on?

2chocolateoranges · 19/02/2023 08:49

I would have said something too.

There is no need to be rude and aggressive to someone doing their job.

My 19yr old daughter works in hospitality and a man was shouting at her last night due to someone else mixing up his drink order. She said she was nearly in tears.
I told her if it happens again to said I don't come to work to get shouted at , walk away and go and find a manager to deal with it.

Ridiculous behaviour from a grown man over a bottle of wine!

Penguinsaregreat · 19/02/2023 08:51

Ffs the prick didn’t say anything about the woman’s sex either but we all know that he would not have spoken to a man like that.
You did the right thing op.
Dealing with the general public can be awful. I really wish I could cut that part of my job out. I love the part which dies t involve having to deal with scum like this.
I would have stepped in too and told him to piss off and focus all a favour.

Penguinsaregreat · 19/02/2023 08:52

Bloody auto correct . Focus=do us.

Untitledsquatboulder · 19/02/2023 08:54

@Clymene because, in the UK, its rude not to. Not that that in any way excuses his outburst.

ConnieSaks · 19/02/2023 08:56

💐 yes he was racist & sexist but you (and others who call this shit out) are sheros- so thank you.