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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to tell this man to back off shouting at the pharmacist assistant?

356 replies

SurferRona · 18/02/2023 22:44

I was in a large pharmacists earlier to pick up antibiotics and a man being served by an assistant in front of me suddenly started shouting at her telling her to ‘say please, if you want me to pay’ that ‘you don’t just say that’ll be £21.01, you say please. Now say please and I’ll pay’, ‘I expect you to be courteous and say please to me, say please and I’ll pay’…. Properly angry. The woman was youngish and looked scared, and didn’t seem to know how to respond, or what to do. So I called across to him to back off, there was no need for that, couldn’t he see he was scaring her? He then turns on me telling me to keep out of it, nothing to do with me. I responded again saying it was to do with me as he was bullying a scared young woman, which was also racist (assistant looked to be of south Asian descent), there no need for it, and he was clearly just having a go at a young woman just trying to do her job. The male pharmacy manager then came over and the man quietened down. He then kept saying he wasn’t racist- but I thought it was as he wouldn’t have behaved like that to a white man serving him, and did quieten down once the male pharmacist came across. WIBU for intervening like that? My other half keeps telling me to keep my neb out of things like that, but I just kept thinking what if it were my daughter…. How else should I have dealt with it? If at all? I have no idea if I just made it worse for the young woman assistant☹️

OP posts:
AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 22:49

@melj1213 yes it does. If you don't say please and Thankyou it would come across as rude.

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 22:52

@XenoBitch the point being it doesn't matter what line of work it- everyone should be polite. It doesn't take much. I've worked in retail and supermarkets it really isn't hard to say please and Thankyou to customers.
I fail to understand why you are not capable of this?

melj1213 · 20/02/2023 22:58

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 22:49

@melj1213 yes it does. If you don't say please and Thankyou it would come across as rude.

No it doesn't.

You can be perfectly polite and courteous to someone without once uttering the words please and thank you.

Body language, tone, facial expression and wording are all important contextual clues as to whether something is polite.

Please and thank you are not the be all and end all of politeness.

XenoBitch · 20/02/2023 23:02

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 22:52

@XenoBitch the point being it doesn't matter what line of work it- everyone should be polite. It doesn't take much. I've worked in retail and supermarkets it really isn't hard to say please and Thankyou to customers.
I fail to understand why you are not capable of this?

It is frustrating to see that you can not see that please/thank you are not the be all and end of manners.
Like has been said, it is also about the rest of the words, tone, body language etc.

Who is more "polite" here?
The disinterested cashier who is chewing gum and huffs "£2.50 please" with their hand stuck out....
Or.... the smiley lady who says in a cheerful tone "That will be £2.50"?

According to some on this thread, the first person is the epitome of manners.

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 23:03

Of course there are lots of ways of being polite. But saying please and Thankyou is one of the basic ways to be polite. This is why children are taught these words at such a young age.

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 23:07

@XenoBitch not at all. It is also about tone and how you deliver something.
So of course it is rude if you deliver the please in a rude tone. Just as it would be if you said anything else in a rude tone.

But if you deliver in exactly the same tone 'that is £2.50' and 'that is £2.50 please. Then the please is more polite.

Do you not say please and Thankyou to customers then? Maybe try it. You might find customers reacting to you better.

XenoBitch · 20/02/2023 23:12

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 23:07

@XenoBitch not at all. It is also about tone and how you deliver something.
So of course it is rude if you deliver the please in a rude tone. Just as it would be if you said anything else in a rude tone.

But if you deliver in exactly the same tone 'that is £2.50' and 'that is £2.50 please. Then the please is more polite.

Do you not say please and Thankyou to customers then? Maybe try it. You might find customers reacting to you better.

I always make sure to say please and thank you to the people serving me.
I don't care if the cashiers do the same. They are serving me, so I do not expect a please/thanks from then.

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 23:14

@XenoBitch do you work in retail or in customer facing roles?

XenoBitch · 20/02/2023 23:16

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 23:14

@XenoBitch do you work in retail or in customer facing roles?

No, and thank fuck I don't judging by MN in general.

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 23:28

@XenoBitch yes I agree I'm glad you don't as well.

JudgeRudy · 21/02/2023 00:51

I'd have probably said something too, especially if the assistant looked scared, but more to defuse the situation rather than 'call him out'. The sales assistant should have just asked again, using pmeade. He was a bit blunt but he was kind of right. It's not a normal reaction to freeze like that. Hopefully management will arrange training.

"....he wouldn’t have behaved like that to a white man serving him"
Why would you pressume that? You cant pissibly have known. Unless there's details you haven't shared, his behaviour seems to have been motivated purely by her lack of the word 'please'. It would be good manners to say please.

JudgeRudy · 21/02/2023 01:00

@XenoBitch "Do you say please when you order a drink in a cafe? Or state your destination in a taxi? I bet you don't. No one does. It is always "Can I get a.....xyz?".

No one does? I'm someone. I generally would say please in ALL of these situations as would the majority of my friends and family. I'd also say thank you when I recieved my goods or arrived at my destination, so no, it's not ALWAYS at all.
What a narrow range of life you have experienced.

Calphurnia88 · 21/02/2023 07:46

AutumnDaysConkers · 20/02/2023 22:21

If 'lost cause' means that I am aware how important it is to say please and Thankyou then I'm more than happy with that.

Show quote history

Don't worry, I think you've made that point very clear.

Maverickess · 21/02/2023 08:22

It really doesn't matter if we say please, thank you or roll out the red carpet and throw rose petals on it for the type of customers that are on the increase and look for anything, and then make it up if there's isn't, to justify being an arsehole because they have a bit of power as a customer and want to be a victim and get a bit of attention.

There's plenty of threads on here about the way a waitress or shop assistant has looked at someone, has said something totally polite but in a smug manner, or their body language was off, has other people deciding what they meant by a perfectly innocent word or phrase (and the intention is always to ruin the OPs life, obviously) or they fucking breathed a bit too loud and how mortally offended the customer was about this and a thread follows deciding what the server should be allowed to do with their face or how their tone of voice is everything despite what they say, and how OP should definitely complain about them, they are in the wrong job, deserve to be sacked, aren't professional (funny that we absolutely expect professional behaviour from an unskilled job that is not trained, paid or regarded as professional).

Basically according to this thread I can say "Oi, twat chops, when you've finished dithering that's £4.50 please" and it's absolutely fine because I said please.

The way some people (in increasing numbers) treat service staff is a lot to do with why there's a shortage, who wants to get bullied for a living, well I say living but you can't even live on it.

The amount of people justifying this behaviour towards another person (regardless of age, ethnicity or sex) because of the lack of one word is real insight into how people some regard service workers. Probably the same people who whine about lack of them while they actively drive them out.

Calphurnia88 · 21/02/2023 09:03

@Maverickess well said 👏🏻

IncessantNameChanger · 21/02/2023 09:06

Well done. Thank you for doing that. Sounds like good all misogyny

AutumnDaysConkers · 21/02/2023 09:09

Maverickess · 21/02/2023 08:22

It really doesn't matter if we say please, thank you or roll out the red carpet and throw rose petals on it for the type of customers that are on the increase and look for anything, and then make it up if there's isn't, to justify being an arsehole because they have a bit of power as a customer and want to be a victim and get a bit of attention.

There's plenty of threads on here about the way a waitress or shop assistant has looked at someone, has said something totally polite but in a smug manner, or their body language was off, has other people deciding what they meant by a perfectly innocent word or phrase (and the intention is always to ruin the OPs life, obviously) or they fucking breathed a bit too loud and how mortally offended the customer was about this and a thread follows deciding what the server should be allowed to do with their face or how their tone of voice is everything despite what they say, and how OP should definitely complain about them, they are in the wrong job, deserve to be sacked, aren't professional (funny that we absolutely expect professional behaviour from an unskilled job that is not trained, paid or regarded as professional).

Basically according to this thread I can say "Oi, twat chops, when you've finished dithering that's £4.50 please" and it's absolutely fine because I said please.

The way some people (in increasing numbers) treat service staff is a lot to do with why there's a shortage, who wants to get bullied for a living, well I say living but you can't even live on it.

The amount of people justifying this behaviour towards another person (regardless of age, ethnicity or sex) because of the lack of one word is real insight into how people some regard service workers. Probably the same people who whine about lack of them while they actively drive them out.

No one has said just because you've said please that it's okay to be rude with the rest of your request.

People are saying that saying please and Thankyou is just basic manners. It is not hard to understand. 3 years old manage it.

AutumnDaysConkers · 21/02/2023 09:11

@Calphurnia88 I'm glad you think I've made the point very clear. But for some reason you still can't seem to grasp it.

AutumnDaysConkers · 21/02/2023 09:13

JudgeRudy · 21/02/2023 01:00

@XenoBitch "Do you say please when you order a drink in a cafe? Or state your destination in a taxi? I bet you don't. No one does. It is always "Can I get a.....xyz?".

No one does? I'm someone. I generally would say please in ALL of these situations as would the majority of my friends and family. I'd also say thank you when I recieved my goods or arrived at my destination, so no, it's not ALWAYS at all.
What a narrow range of life you have experienced.

I would also say please and Thankyou in all those situations.
@XenoBitch I really think you need to reevaluate how you talk to people. If you use basic manners people will react to you so much better.

Maverickess · 21/02/2023 09:25

AutumnDaysConkers · 21/02/2023 09:09

No one has said just because you've said please that it's okay to be rude with the rest of your request.

People are saying that saying please and Thankyou is just basic manners. It is not hard to understand. 3 years old manage it.

Show quote history

And as I said it doesn't matter if a service worker says those things because there's an ever growing amount of people who just want to have a go at someone consequence free and someone in a service position is the ideal target.

Even if this assistant had said please it'd have been something else, she'd have looked at him with an attitude or something.

Yes, it's considered basic manners, but it is not the be all and end all of manners and frankly in this instance is being used to justify aggressive and abusive behaviour towards another person.

The OP said in an update that the interaction was 'fine' from the assistant but people are clinging to this lack of please desperately to show the man was 'provoked'.

And in all honesty, it's quite easy to forget that manners even exist at all when you're dealing with people for 8 hours a day who struggle to tell the difference between server and servant and where in the last couple of years the customers who actually treat you like a human being are the talking point and those who are derogatory, belittle you and treat you like shit as the norm. And then get defended for it.

AutumnDaysConkers · 21/02/2023 09:37

@Maverickess no one has defended him.
He is wrong in his approach.

You are going off on a tangent about service workers and what they deal with. Yes we all know how rubbish customers are. I've dealt with loads.

But if we are talking just about basic manners then saying please and Thankyou is important from service workers and customers.

The man was wrong for how he spoke to the lady though. Totally over the top.

Maverickess · 21/02/2023 09:53

AutumnDaysConkers · 21/02/2023 09:37

@Maverickess no one has defended him.
He is wrong in his approach.

You are going off on a tangent about service workers and what they deal with. Yes we all know how rubbish customers are. I've dealt with loads.

But if we are talking just about basic manners then saying please and Thankyou is important from service workers and customers.

The man was wrong for how he spoke to the lady though. Totally over the top.

It's a thread about a service worker being shouted at and abused and the OP stepping in, it's literally about a service worker being treated badly.

The tangent is the "discussion" over manners and how saying please and thank you is so important - more important to be discussed it seems than abuse of another person.

And yes, it is being used as justification, or why is it even being mentioned and discussed at all? If there's no justification for what he did as people are saying, why is the fact she didn't say please relevant at all? You can put "He went about it the wrong way" or "No one should be abused" as much as you like, when 'but' is added that starts to excuse the behaviour exhibited.

UdoU · 21/02/2023 12:18

AutumnDaysConkers · 21/02/2023 09:37

@Maverickess no one has defended him.
He is wrong in his approach.

You are going off on a tangent about service workers and what they deal with. Yes we all know how rubbish customers are. I've dealt with loads.

But if we are talking just about basic manners then saying please and Thankyou is important from service workers and customers.

The man was wrong for how he spoke to the lady though. Totally over the top.

Please and thank you are not necessary. When a shop assistant asks me 'would you like to pay by cash or card?', the courtesy is that she is asking me how I want to pay, she doesn't need to tack a 'please' on to it.

GoodChat · 21/02/2023 12:25

@UdoU 'please' makes no sense to add to your example

toomuchlaundry · 21/02/2023 12:46

But please isn’t needed in the phrase ‘that will be £2.50, is there anything else I can help you with’ but one poster is adamant it is