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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell this man to back off shouting at the pharmacist assistant?

356 replies

SurferRona · 18/02/2023 22:44

I was in a large pharmacists earlier to pick up antibiotics and a man being served by an assistant in front of me suddenly started shouting at her telling her to ‘say please, if you want me to pay’ that ‘you don’t just say that’ll be £21.01, you say please. Now say please and I’ll pay’, ‘I expect you to be courteous and say please to me, say please and I’ll pay’…. Properly angry. The woman was youngish and looked scared, and didn’t seem to know how to respond, or what to do. So I called across to him to back off, there was no need for that, couldn’t he see he was scaring her? He then turns on me telling me to keep out of it, nothing to do with me. I responded again saying it was to do with me as he was bullying a scared young woman, which was also racist (assistant looked to be of south Asian descent), there no need for it, and he was clearly just having a go at a young woman just trying to do her job. The male pharmacy manager then came over and the man quietened down. He then kept saying he wasn’t racist- but I thought it was as he wouldn’t have behaved like that to a white man serving him, and did quieten down once the male pharmacist came across. WIBU for intervening like that? My other half keeps telling me to keep my neb out of things like that, but I just kept thinking what if it were my daughter…. How else should I have dealt with it? If at all? I have no idea if I just made it worse for the young woman assistant☹️

OP posts:
Judgyjudgy · 19/02/2023 02:54

IchWill · 18/02/2023 23:24

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. At the one day festival run by Radio 2. So not a place where you'd expect aggro. I'm also female and only 5'4".

Festival had signs on the way in and in the queue to the bar to say that to prevent waste, you had to pay a deposit for a branded hard plastic drink glass, which you'd reuse at each bar visit and could either return at the end of the day for a refund, or keep it as a souvenir. No problem.

I get to front of the queue and find myself next to a towering bloke, buying 6 pints. Young girl, aged about 18 says it's £72. He thinks he's misheard and she said £30 is a deposit for glasses, and tried to explain about the scheme. When he starts screaming in her face, he's "not fucking paying any fucking deposits, who the fuck did she think she fucking was? Thirty fucking quid... "

I'm rarely rendered speechless, but literally nobody at the bar, or behind it stepped in. As I was next to him, I gently touched his arm, and said, "C'mon mate, just listen to the girl, you do get your money back, she doesn't make the rules... " He span round, loomed over me and started screaming in my face, he had red face, spit flying out of his mouth as he demanded I ".. mind my own fucking business, you nosey fucking cow!"

My knees were knocking, but a crowd was watching (fuck knows we're security were) and I summoned some confidence and told him to back the fuck off and that the young girl didn't get paid enough to deal with vile wankers like him, and added "get your drinks and fuck off!"

Some other blokes in the queue started to gather round him, letting them know of their presence, he slammed his card down, paid and stomped off.

The poor girl was so shaken, she kept saying sorry to me?!? I was shaken up too, and pissed off nobody else stepped in.

So, sorry for the long reply, but good for you, wanted to share my story. And although I absolutely abhor bad manners, bullying the girl was totally uncalled for. Well done.

You're a legend 👏 🫶🏽

QueenCamilla · 19/02/2023 03:16

What's with this advent of racist, racist, racist!?
It has over-shadowed a good deed here.

Plus, it was a risky an accusation to bandy about unfoundedly to an angry man. Very lucky you didn't escalate the situation OP.

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 19/02/2023 03:38

SurferRona · 18/02/2023 23:00

thats interesting @coffeecookie, on the way home I was worried that I was maybe being a bit ‘white saviour’ with it, if you know what I mean? (I am white). He didn’t use racist language, no, but I definitely thought her race was a reason why he felt able to be so abusive. Maybe more of the unconscious discrimination, and because of her sex/gender, and age too. Thanks for all comments PPs, I feel less worried about it now!

I’m POC and before I even got to the part about her being south Asian I guessed she wasn’t white tbh. I have worked in retail and I have noticed POC female staff more likely to be aggressively and poorly treated by white males ( and females) so IMO you probably weren’t wrong tbh.

Yes there is no ‘proof’ he is racist but most racists nowadays don’t openly use slurs so I likely wouldn’t have called him that ( despite thinking it)just because it leads to a bunch of whining about the race card and distracts from his actions, but yeah it’s likely racism played a part.

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 19/02/2023 03:42

Oh and well done for sticking up for her and speaking out @SurferRona . I’m sure she appreciated it. I remember working in retail over Christmas when I was younger and I had an issue with a racist manager.

She was speaking to me so rudely that two middle aged (white) customers even intervened and complained about her to her face and I was very thankful!

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 19/02/2023 03:51

Oh and one more thing - interesting how some people on this thread and others on mumsnet can accept something was likely sexist without a man using openly misogynist or sexist terms or slurs, but when an accusation of racism is made it’s been called “diabolical” and unfounded unless he’s been screeching racial slurs.

Let me tell you this two things - 9 out of ten times if I go somewhere and am poorly treated due to prejudice it may be to down to both my race and gender but very rarely my gender alone.

I have experienced far more racism in the workplace in predominantly white female environments than I have experienced sexism in predominantly male ( of any race) dominated places.

Ericaequites · 19/02/2023 04:40

There are men who are equal opportunity asshats. They treat everyone badly. Good on you for speaking up.

Suzi888 · 19/02/2023 05:09

His behaviour was abhorrent but she should have said “that’s £21 please.”

Clymene · 19/02/2023 05:26

Suzi888 · 19/02/2023 05:09

His behaviour was abhorrent but she should have said “that’s £21 please.”

Why?

Clymene · 19/02/2023 05:27

I would say more like racist too - she wasn't showing him enough deference.

Timesawastin · 19/02/2023 05:34

MrsMikeDrop · 18/02/2023 23:01

Agree with this. I don't think it was racist though, in fact you were being racist thinking it was. What does his race have to do with anything Hmm

Show quote history

Rubbish. Racist against a white guy? Pfft. He's the one with privilege and power here.

Timesawastin · 19/02/2023 05:38

Listen to @Reclaimtheoutdoors and knock off all the 'how dare you think it could be racism". And ask yourselves why you're so angry or dismissive of that possibility. Be honest.

MrsMikeDrop · 19/02/2023 05:43

Timesawastin · 19/02/2023 05:34

Rubbish. Racist against a white guy? Pfft. He's the one with privilege and power here.

Show quote history

Wasn't it a white guy yelling at a Asian girl? The guy was likely being racist (and sexist) if I've understood the scenario properly

Jimboscott0115 · 19/02/2023 06:00

I think you did the right thing and probably handled it better than I would of - I'd have stepped in but probably been a little less eloquent in my words!

I don't think racism played a part OP but... We have no way of knowing as only the man knew what his intent was, there was definitely ageism and sexism taking place on top of being a bully. He's a complete and utter prick.

BobSacamono · 19/02/2023 06:12

Timesawastin · 19/02/2023 05:38

Listen to @Reclaimtheoutdoors and knock off all the 'how dare you think it could be racism". And ask yourselves why you're so angry or dismissive of that possibility. Be honest.

This. Thank you for speaking up OP.

Saschka · 19/02/2023 06:13

Oh and one more thing - interesting how some people on this thread and others on mumsnet can accept something was likely sexist without a man using openly misogynist or sexist terms or slurs, but when an accusation of racism is made it’s been called “diabolical” and unfounded unless he’s been screeching racial slurs.

Agree 100% with this.

Justalittlebitduckling · 19/02/2023 06:54

I think it was brave of you, but it’s a risk stepping into situations like that.

NorthernLights5 · 19/02/2023 07:01

I think he was probably both racist and sexist tbh although I probably wouldn't have called it that as it's likely to escalate the situation. I am black and a woman and as a pp said, it would lead to moaning about the race card/sex card which doesn't help anyone.

It's interesting how many people easily believe he is sexist without him being overtly sexist but think he can't possibly be racist as he wasn't overtly racist. I do experience overt racism but it isn't as common as covert racism.

DaisyDucks · 19/02/2023 07:15

There should be more people like you in this world. The way some people treat customer service staff is disgusting.

DonnatellaLyman · 19/02/2023 07:28

Even before I read the part about her race, I’d assumed she wasn’t white from how he was aggressively ‘corrected’ her use of language. Definitely a racist element even if unconscious.

I’m white British and notice the difference in how my colleagues are spoken to. Agree that some posters need to think about why the suggestion this had a racist as well as misogynistic angle makes them so angry?

WhenItIsRaining · 19/02/2023 07:34

Well done for standing up to this odious specimen. Sounds racist to me, too.

eurochick · 19/02/2023 07:41

He sounds like a nob but there's no obvious racism in your description of the incident. More likely sexism as he quietened down when the man came over.

I've noticed for a while now that in many shops I'm politer to the assistant than they are to the customer. It seems rare for shop staff to say please and thank you to customers these days. It pisses me off but I don't rant about it to individuals.

VivaLesTartes · 19/02/2023 07:43

YANBU I have done similar in the past andy husband told me to get involved. I said he doesn't work on a customer facing role doesn't understand the level of disrespect and people NEED to be calling put the bullies. You can't do it when it's your job so it's amazing when other customers do.

I wouldn't have called him a racist though because you don't really have any evidence of that - based on my own experiences I would guess that age and gender played a part too as this sort of thing happend a few times when I was younger and often happens to my young female colleagues (even female managers! God they hate it when there isn't man you can call in). But these men are the type that just have bigoted views all round. I am not saying your gut feeling about him is wrong but I probably wouldn't have called him a racist if he didn't specifically say anything racist.

Zodfa · 19/02/2023 07:45

Oh no, the poor man being called racist, think of his feelings, how will he cope.

FeetupTvon · 19/02/2023 07:46

Not racist… sexist.
When the manager came out he probably calmed down because it was a man… not because of his race.
The word racist is used far too loosely at the moment.

Hoplesscynic · 19/02/2023 07:49

People piling on the OP for her "racist" reference.. seriously?
As someone else pointed out, funny how they immediately jump to "of course he was sexist but not racist", when there isn't evidence for either. The man could be a nasty piece of work and speak this way to anyone.

But in the end, doesn't really matter because this man deserved every word OP said to him and really needed putting in his place. So if being accused of racism and sexism is going to make him think twice next time, Result!

Good job OP, I have myself encountered similar people and they are vile as hell.

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