Breastfed babies at weddings?

[Lavender14]

Dh and I have been invited to a full day wedding of friends which we'd really love to go to. Problem is I'm ebf and ds will have only just turned 5 months old by then so I'm not sure how to manage a full day away from him. He will take a bottle but only VERY rarely and definitely prefers feeding from breast (he's better with wind etc when not feeding from bottle too as he has a slight tongue tie - feeding has been a challenge so im hesitant about messing with it). I also have a big oversupply so worried about the impact of not being able to feed him for a full day, I'm not sure how much of the day I'd have to miss pumping and as there's no accommodation at the venue (I've been there before) I'm not sure where I could do that other than a toilet cubicle which isn't ideal. I also find i don't get anywhere near as good a letdown when I pump compared to feeding so worried about mastitis.

When I got married we didn't have any children at our wedding. So I fully understand why people don't want babies at a wedding when they've paid for videographer etc and they're taking a seat at the table and space is precious. However we did make an exception for any breastfed babies as I had a number of friends bf at the time who wouldn't have felt able to come otherwise.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the couple if they'd allow a breastfed baby? It's not in a hotel where a grandparent could have baby nearby etc or I'd have arranged that and just nipped out to feed. If they decline (which is their choice - its their wedding) is my other option to decline the invite or what alternative would you suggest?

First time parent so just trying to plan ahead!

A 5 month old is not a newborn. They go a few hours without feeding for starters. And they are loud.

Are you the “main” friend rather than your DH? If so I’d get DH to drop you for the ceremony, come back when baby ready for a feed, another few hours to eat and mingle and then go home with baby and DH. If your DH is the main friend he goes on his own.

Or politely decline.

We welcomed small babies to our wedding, breastfed or not, as know it can be hard to leave them. We also declined an invite to a wedding in Ireland as they said we couldn't bring our 5 months old and wasn't leaving her for two days.

However, for one day, especially as you're not staying over, the baby will be fine. If they say no I'd go anyway without the baby and I did on two occasions when each was under 6 months. My first really resisted bottles and I remember speaking to health visitor before and she said she'd be totally fine if i went for the day - she barely had anything when I was gone but made up for it when I was back!

I hope they see sense and let you take the baby though!

Thank you for pointing this out! I BF for 12 months plus. It wasn't the BF that stopped me going anywhere. It was the not having a baby sitter / notc wanting to leave my baby / the whole bloody logistics of everything.

and anyone wanting new mothers at their child free wedding also needs to realise they can't have everything they want.

I think you should politely decline.

I really don’t think you should ask them to make an exception for your baby. That puts them in an awkward position when they don’t want children there (and I don’t blame them).

I like the idea of saying 'I'm sorry I can't manage because I'm feeding x and the logistics don't work out but DH will be there ready to party" it gives them the chance to say no bring baby along or gives them an out.

I would be concerned about feeding/pumping etc without a bit of space to myself. Not because I'm scared to feed in front of people but if my 5m is going through a hard stage and on off the breast every 5 minutes to see what's going on it would drive me insane. There probably would be a room in the venue somewhere for the bride to rest/feeding mothers to go.

I exclusively pumped with my second and there was no pumping room at work so I'm the dab hand at pumping in public. You want either a pumping bra or a sports bra with holes cut out and then a large muslin tied around your neck or a loose jumper. Make sure you have a muslin underneath to catch drips. The bellababy pump on amazon is cheap and little and most exclusive pumpers use it as a back up when out and about because its pretty powerful. Put everything in a bottle in one of those little lunchtime cool bags and you are all good.

Yes, this makes me rather less sympathetic.

Eh? That’s not remotely what I am saying. What I said is nothing to do with preparing feeds or carrying stuff about- I’m clearly saying you cannot leave them on their own with another carer for more than a few hours if they won’t take a bottle if breastfed. A bottle fed baby- no issues at all for this. Bizarre comment that has no relevance to what I am saying at all.

Just skip the wedding @Lavender14 weddings are boring anyway, they’re all the same as each other, and it’ll be a nightmare keeping the 5 month occupied all day in an adult only environment.

(Full disclosure: we had kids at our wedding, kids are part of life, so why exclude them from a wedding?)

And if you are on the totally different subject of convenience- I couldn’t ever get troubled by adding a bottle and a small purchased ‘ready to go’ bottle to that nappy bag- it weighs nothing. A perfect prep machine that takes two minutes (and that a husband can also use at 3am with no excuses) is also as easy as making a coffee. Not converting me (not that I’ve asked to be but for some reason it’s not ok to not follow the party line these days) with those points.

The expense maybe?
All my cousins have child free weddings ,most of them been at very expensive hotels ,I imagine adding the children of friends and family costs £££,s
ironically it's on!y when you have children yourself ,you realise how inconvenient they can be .

I agree with you, but it's not a popular view on mumsnet so we're probably a minority opinion.

I just cannot fathom caring about a baby crying or young children making noise during my wedding ceremony. It's hardly a big deal 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't exclude any member of my family or friendship circle from a celebration because of their age, it seems weird to me.

I wouldn't go

Unfort this is one of the reasons relationships break down during wedding preparations. Guests think they would love to go and its Ok to challenge the hosts on how they want their wedding so they themselves guest can enjoy it more.

If you are invited to their wedding - they know you have a baby. If they know you well enough, they know you are breast feeding and they still have not offered for your baby to come with you.

Inviting babies is not usually about seating plans although it can be. It's often about them crying for one. Parents think, we'll I'll take them out if they cry...great but they have already been crying in the venue in the first place before you took them out. And some parents might whisk a child away at the first sniffle, others will take a while as they are having so much fun and hope they stop.

And then there is the baby that starts to cry during the vows - you can't take that back and it would appear on the video so your only option would be to avoid this scenario by taking the baby out of the room at this bit just incase...and then you missed the bit of the wedding the couple want you there for in the first place.

The next issue is if they say yes to you it might upset their other friends. Friends whose breast fed baby does take a bottle so they have arranged childcare. Friends who can't breast feed so they baby always had a bottle and arranged childcare.#

Then there is also the issue of drunk people around a baby. Are you going to be holding this baby the whole time during the reception? Leaving them in a pram and never leave their side to make sure some happy chappy doesn't spill their drink on them or try and hold them? Everyone loves a baby and its going to be a distraction for people who are going to be trying to interact with them.

And then there is a the venue - maybe they don't allow children in an area with alcohol.

You have written this post from how this wedding invite affects you - you don't want to stop babies routine etc etc. You want to enjoy the wedding etc etc. But its not your wedding - its their wedding. Don't put the couple on the spot by asking them this - yes they can say no but it will be awkward for them. They might resent you - your partner might resent them etc if they still say no babies and it means your partner has to go alone.

Really I think you only have one option - decline and explain its because you are breast feeding. If this is something they have not thought about and really want you there....they will say to you - please don't let that be the reason you have declined you are welcome to bring the baby.

And if this does happen, ask them to ask the venue if there is a room you can breast feed in.

I'd decline because of BF DS, saying you'd love to come but are unable to leave him for that length of time. It's then in their court to say that he can come. I wouldn't ask directly.

No, please don't do this. The invitation was clear. It's rude to call the hosts and attempt to negotiate.

We just had this exact situation. In due in three weeks and we have FIVE weddings before baby will be 6 months. I have had two invites in already and there was no mention of the baby so I asked (I have two other children so I think they did want to allow the baby but did not want to invite the other two kids-very difficult to word that in an invite). I just sent a simple text saying “just got your beautiful invitation thank you so much for inviting us. I’m sure you are looking forward to the big day. I was wondering if I might be able to bring the baby. They will be exclusively breastfeeding and I will be unable to leave them with someone at home. I completely understand if you would prefer no children at the wedding too and won’t be at all offended if this wouldn’t work for you guys.”

both brides immediately replied and said baby is welcome but the toddlers aren’t (totally fair enough I wouldn’t have been bringing them anyway!)

i think how you word it is important and noting that you will not be offended and would ttoally understand allows them to say no. I’d they don’t have kids they will not understand BFeeding and how tying and regular it has to be.

I’ll (most likely) have to have this convo 3 more times with people but I don’t mind. I don’t feel bad asking and they are free to say no.
good luck OP

😂😂😂 a stationary cupboard 😳

@MajorCarolDanvers cupboards (stationery or not) are all stationary, in my experience.

No harm in asking. Decline if it's a no.

I was in exactly the same situation (same age baby) and I asked my friend the bride if I could bring him. It hadn't even occured to her that I wouldn't. She even had a little present for him at the table. Everyone cooed over him, he was great and I left as the music started at 10 (Irish wedding)

@Piglet89

My 😂😳 was at the idea that she she feed in a cupboard.

Not typos

I haven't chance to read the full thread but I wouldn't go myself if EBF (done this myself twice and still feeding the second). The thing that I found hard was the full feeling and leaking and a whole day away from the usual routine can mess with supply and will it be easy for you to go and relieve some pressure easily?

When I got married we had a family's children only policy but we allowed babies that were breastfed for this exact reason, it felt unreasonalble to expect a nursing mum to be away from their baby or a baby to have breastmilk in a bottle for a day if they usually feed from the breast. I'd speak to them and ask for an exception, if it's a problem, don't go.

I'd ask and explain why (I wouldn't have realised before having kids myself tbh) and hopefully they'll make an exception. They might not but it can't hurt to ask!