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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Breastfed babies at weddings?

236 replies

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:07

Dh and I have been invited to a full day wedding of friends which we'd really love to go to. Problem is I'm ebf and ds will have only just turned 5 months old by then so I'm not sure how to manage a full day away from him. He will take a bottle but only VERY rarely and definitely prefers feeding from breast (he's better with wind etc when not feeding from bottle too as he has a slight tongue tie - feeding has been a challenge so im hesitant about messing with it). I also have a big oversupply so worried about the impact of not being able to feed him for a full day, I'm not sure how much of the day I'd have to miss pumping and as there's no accommodation at the venue (I've been there before) I'm not sure where I could do that other than a toilet cubicle which isn't ideal. I also find i don't get anywhere near as good a letdown when I pump compared to feeding so worried about mastitis.

When I got married we didn't have any children at our wedding. So I fully understand why people don't want babies at a wedding when they've paid for videographer etc and they're taking a seat at the table and space is precious. However we did make an exception for any breastfed babies as I had a number of friends bf at the time who wouldn't have felt able to come otherwise.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the couple if they'd allow a breastfed baby? It's not in a hotel where a grandparent could have baby nearby etc or I'd have arranged that and just nipped out to feed. If they decline (which is their choice - its their wedding) is my other option to decline the invite or what alternative would you suggest?

First time parent so just trying to plan ahead!

OP posts:

Sux2buthen · 17/02/2023 09:19

Is ask and if they said no I would graciously bin them off. Also saves money on a present
People get ridiculous over weddings

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/02/2023 09:21

TheGoogleMum · 17/02/2023 09:17

I'd ask and explain why (I wouldn't have realised before having kids myself tbh) and hopefully they'll make an exception. They might not but it can't hurt to ask!

But it does hurt to ask. It's a rude imposition that puts the host in an awkward spot.

Choices have consequences.

LindyLou2020 · 17/02/2023 09:21

@Lavender14

I have no intention of getting married again!
And I remember being totally lacking in confidence regarding breast feeding my first child away from the house.
So, if I WAS getting married, and you were a guest, you would be welcome to bring your baby and breast feed, and I would do anything possible to accommodate you in comfort.

Figmentof · 17/02/2023 09:23

I don’t think you should ask, I think it puts them on the spot. They presumably know you have a five month old baby and are very possibly breastfeeding. I think you should decline the invitation.

Sugarfree23 · 17/02/2023 09:24

DNBU · 17/02/2023 07:47

Not true!

Show quote history

Well if its not true what age of children do count towards capacity for fire Regs?

Boringcookingquestion · 17/02/2023 09:28

I think I’d find it too awkward to ask outright. It might make them feel pressured if they want to say no. Instead I’d tell them that unfortunately you can’t leave the baby. Then they have the opportunity to say you can bring them if they want, without the awkwardness of having to say no if they don’t.

Dulra · 17/02/2023 09:28

and anyone wanting new mothers at their child free wedding also needs to realise they can't have everything they want.
So what do you propose? not invite them? The mothers are grown adults well able to decide if they can attend or not. I would prefer to be given the choice to attend as opposed to not being invited to a child free wedding. Many new parents could go and love the opportunity for the break and to relax with friends at an enjoyable social occasion. Others, as in the case of this op, it is more tricky and just not worth the hassle so they choose not to attend. Not sure why you are vilifying the wedding couple it is a wedding invite not an ultimatum, new parents also need to also realise the world doesn't revolve around them (btw I am not for one minute suggesting the op does it is just this response that has annoyed me).

highgatemums · 17/02/2023 09:30

What time does the wedding start? Is it far from where you live?

If it's 2pm, for example, and depending on the journey time, you could potentially feed the baby before you go, attend ceremony, drinks, meal and then head home for around 9ish when you know the baby will definitely be needing their next feed.

You could let the couple know in advance that you would be delighted to attend but might need to leave the evening reception a little bit early to go home and feed BF baby depending on how they get on with the bottle while you are away (hopefully you won't need to do this but better to explain in advance in case). If you do this I would at least try to stay for the first dance and definitely the whole meal.

You know the couple best and how they might react to this/whether leaving a little bit early would cause offence. They might say this is fine, or they'd rather everyone be there all day, or they might even offer at this point that you can bring the baby.

There's no perfect solution as the couple need definitive RSVPs and you don't know how you will feel by 5 months, but being away for 1 feed is manageable and the baby will make up for it when you get home if they've not had much from the bottle.

It's so hard as you don't want them to be upset or dehydrated, but by 5 months the baby might surprise you in terms of spacing between feeds and willingness to take a small amount from the bottle.

RampantIvy · 17/02/2023 09:32

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/02/2023 01:54

A large part of being an adult is realizing we can't always have everything we want. Anyone contemplating parenthood should realize there will be trade-offs.

And anyone contemplating a child free wedding should realize that some parents can't attend.

highgatemums · 17/02/2023 09:33

p.s. if you are given the choice to bring the baby or not I'd opt to leave them and go home early if you need to. A wedding is a good excuse for a break and it sounds like your parents would be great at keeping the baby entertained.

An elvie curve would fit in your bag and is very discreet for pumping just enough to take the edge off and enjoy your day.

RampantIvy · 17/02/2023 09:33

it's 2pm, for example, and depending on the journey time, you could potentially feed the baby before you go, attend ceremony, drinks, meal and then head home for around 9ish when you know the baby will definitely be needing their next feed.

That is a LONG time between breast feeds. I doubt if that is doable TBH.

Dulra · 17/02/2023 09:35

And anyone contemplating a child free wedding should realize that some parents can't attend.
Quite, and there's no suggestion the couple don't know that. My memory of sending wedding invites was that you knew some of the people wouldn't be likely to attend, new parents, elderly, too far away but you invited them anyway because you didn't want to make that decision for them and if you didn't invite they would be upset.

ThighMistress · 17/02/2023 09:35

The politest thing to do is to decline giving the reason why and then wait for host to say “Oh, no, that’s fine to bring baby” or “Sorry to hear you can’t come.”

I’m no longer in the baby zone, but I declined a lunch invitation at someone’s house because I couldn’t leave dog, and they insisted I brought him. I would never ask to take him anywhere.

Unlike some MNetters insist, child-free weddings are fine because of a) the expense and b) the volume: if four friends have two dcs each that’s eight kids and soon your wedding has become a Soft Play centre.

MelaniesFlowers · 17/02/2023 09:37

YABU and it would be rude to ask. They know you have a baby and that you’re breastfeeding.

If you cannot make other arrangements you cannot go.

Few people want a baby at their wedding. If you “take them out if they cry” by then they’ve already disrupted the service.

Isthisexpected · 17/02/2023 09:39

^ feeding on demand just doesn't work like that. Mine would never have gone longer than two hours at that age.

RampantIvy · 17/02/2023 09:40

The politest thing to do is to decline giving the reason why and then wait for host to say “Oh, no, that’s fine to bring baby” or “Sorry to hear you can’t come.”

I agree. It throws the ball back into the bride's court without making her feel obliged to bend the rules.

We had children and a toddler at our wedding, but they were all family. If we had stipulated no children we wouldn't have had many guests. None of the children made a noise.

Feelingfearful · 17/02/2023 09:42

Norriscolesbag · 17/02/2023 08:35

And if you are on the totally different subject of convenience- I couldn’t ever get troubled by adding a bottle and a small purchased ‘ready to go’ bottle to that nappy bag- it weighs nothing. A perfect prep machine that takes two minutes (and that a husband can also use at 3am with no excuses) is also as easy as making a coffee. Not converting me (not that I’ve asked to be but for some reason it’s not ok to not follow the party line these days) with those points.

Show quote history

I agree. Mine is FF and I only ever took out a sterilised bottle with a lid and a number of ready made formula bottles. There was no carrying boiling water, making up a bottle with powder and either letting it cool or warming in hot water that I hear a lot from BF mums that seem to have a very old fashioned view on how difficult formula feeding must be.

Whatwouldyado · 17/02/2023 09:42

OP I had a very similar situation when my son was 3 months old and ebf!

some friends got married and expected us to hire a nanny from the hotel to sit upstairs in our hotel room and for her to call me if the baby needed feeding 😒I also wasn’t welcome to sit in the church with baby - they suggested I sit outside or in the car…

I refused to go.

Years later they keep saying ‘what a shame’ that I missed their wedding. I can’t say I like them much anymore.

adulthumanfemalemum · 17/02/2023 09:46

I was invited to a wedding when dd2 was 3 weeks old and they wouldn't make an exception for her. We only managed to go because it was round the corner from my parents and I could nip home a few times to feed her.

DoneWithHer · 17/02/2023 09:54

VeronicaFranklin · 17/02/2023 09:15

When I got married we had a family's children only policy but we allowed babies that were breastfed for this exact reason, it felt unreasonalble to expect a nursing mum to be away from their baby or a baby to have breastmilk in a bottle for a day if they usually feed from the breast. I'd speak to them and ask for an exception, if it's a problem, don't go.

Out of interest, if one friend was bring her 5 month old BF fed baby, and then another friend rang you to see if she could bring her 5 month old FF baby what would u have said?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 17/02/2023 09:55

Agree with posters who say don't ask. Tell them you can't make it becuase you're bf and baby can't be left for a day. If they want you there they will offer to make an exception. If no children is important to them (which could be for any number of reasons which have already been mentioned) then they don't have to awkwardly tell you no.

highgatemums · 17/02/2023 10:00

RampantIvy · 17/02/2023 09:33

That is a LONG time between breast feeds. I doubt if that is doable TBH.

I wasn't very clear - that's on the basis that they've taken at least some milk from a bottle in the intervening period to avoid dehydration and serious upset.

I can't speak for all babies but can only speak from my own experience and the people I know. I had three serious bottle refusers, but by 5 months they'd take just enough in my absence and didn't become very upset as they were with people they knew well. As soon as I got home they'd be straight on the boob.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 17/02/2023 10:17

I think you’re the only one who can gauge whether it’s better to ask outright or to decline citing the reason and wait to see what they say. It depends how close you are to them and what kinds of people they are. Personally when I got married I just didn’t really think about these kinds of issues because I didn’t know anything about babies. But when one guest asked if she could bring her two month old I was fine with it.

I know exactly what you mean about the oversupply, I was like that too - one missed feed and I’d be on the floor with a raging fever - pumping just doesn’t remove milk in the same way.

Tiredmummy2014 · 17/02/2023 10:17

You said you were planning ahead so how old will your lo be at the time of the wedding? Sorry if I've missed it if you've already said x

Original poster

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 10:26

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 02:40

You allowed breast fed babies at your wedding, but not bottle fed?

So bottle fed babies that parents couldn't get babysitters for couldn't come, but breast fed ones could?

What made you think that a DM wanted to leave a very young bottle fed baby?

@indiadreamer In our case there were no bottle fed babies so it was a non issue. But I do think it's at least possible to get a baby babysat if they can take a bottle whereas if they're ebf and don't take a bottle or parent is trying to establish breastfeeding then the baby cannot be left. Then it's the parents choice whether or not they're comfortable leaving them.

@CjCreggs and @Nicecow I've already said i fully understand why they may not allow children and that it's their day. I'm not expecting them to say yes and I asked on here because I don't want to put them under pressure which is why i want sure whether to message at all or not... not sure that makes me sanctimonious or entitled. Plus i did allow very small babies at my wedding because their parents who were bf couldn't have come otherwise but we didn't have space to allow children who could be babysat and who's parents had the choice.

OP posts:

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