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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfed babies at weddings?

236 replies

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:07

Dh and I have been invited to a full day wedding of friends which we'd really love to go to. Problem is I'm ebf and ds will have only just turned 5 months old by then so I'm not sure how to manage a full day away from him. He will take a bottle but only VERY rarely and definitely prefers feeding from breast (he's better with wind etc when not feeding from bottle too as he has a slight tongue tie - feeding has been a challenge so im hesitant about messing with it). I also have a big oversupply so worried about the impact of not being able to feed him for a full day, I'm not sure how much of the day I'd have to miss pumping and as there's no accommodation at the venue (I've been there before) I'm not sure where I could do that other than a toilet cubicle which isn't ideal. I also find i don't get anywhere near as good a letdown when I pump compared to feeding so worried about mastitis.

When I got married we didn't have any children at our wedding. So I fully understand why people don't want babies at a wedding when they've paid for videographer etc and they're taking a seat at the table and space is precious. However we did make an exception for any breastfed babies as I had a number of friends bf at the time who wouldn't have felt able to come otherwise.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the couple if they'd allow a breastfed baby? It's not in a hotel where a grandparent could have baby nearby etc or I'd have arranged that and just nipped out to feed. If they decline (which is their choice - its their wedding) is my other option to decline the invite or what alternative would you suggest?

First time parent so just trying to plan ahead!

OP posts:
MrsMikeDrop · 17/02/2023 01:32

madamovaries · 17/02/2023 01:20

I hope they would make an exception for babies. We couldn't accommodate children (bar immediate family) at our wedding due to number restraints, but made an exception for babies - which I think is the norm. I didn't know quite how important that was until I had a baby and breastfed him.

I would never expect a mother to leave their baby, let alone one who is breastfeeding. I wouldn't go if they say no, frankly

Why, babies are the worst and likely to cry, just decline. I don't know why people make such a big issue about it

Original poster
Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 01:43

MrsMikeDrop · 17/02/2023 01:32

Why, babies are the worst and likely to cry, just decline. I don't know why people make such a big issue about it

Show quote history

I have no interest in making a big issue, but I do think it's sad that because you have to feed your child you then have to miss out on other bits of life that are also important. I'd really like to see my friends get married and support them by being there but I have no wish to inconvenience them or anyone else.

I do think that attitude kind of isolates bf mothers further than ff mothers and contributes to bf rates being very low here and contributes negatively towards maternal mental health. It's kind of like the cupboard scenario mentioned earlier, if I thought I'd spend more time in the stationary cupboard than at the table then I may as well be at home alone. Again. This is why people who have children sometimes struggle to maintain friendships especially with child free people who maybe don't fully understand why you'd need to bring your kid with you until they get to a certain age (and believe me after that point I'm more than happy to leave them for the night and get reacquainted with tequila!) But again that's a bigger issue for another thread and not the issue here!

OP posts:
wingingit1987 · 17/02/2023 01:53

I skipped a close family members wedding because it was adults only and I was breastfeeding my then 4 month old. The bride and groom understood- they had picked an adults only venue so it just wasn’t an option for me to take my daughter and I wouldn’t have left her with a babysitter when she was so young. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you to ask if you can take your little one and I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to not attend if there isn’t an option to take your baby.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/02/2023 01:54

A large part of being an adult is realizing we can't always have everything we want. Anyone contemplating parenthood should realize there will be trade-offs.

DoneWithHer · 17/02/2023 02:36

Presumably at 5 months his wake windows are a bit stretched out at this stage (not like newborn when it's almost eat and sleep). Have you thought about how you will entertain him and mind him around feeds? Sleeping situations in a loud room?
Just throwing these out there for yourself to consider if that's something you want to contend with for the day too.
No harm in asking either way ☺️

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 02:40

You allowed breast fed babies at your wedding, but not bottle fed?

So bottle fed babies that parents couldn't get babysitters for couldn't come, but breast fed ones could?

What made you think that a DM wanted to leave a very young bottle fed baby?

Wildspace · 17/02/2023 02:41

We had the same thing. As the couple were mainly friends with DH, he spoke with them and just said that it would just be him coming as I would be with our 6 month BF. Their immediate reply was that we should just bring her along. So my advice would be don’t expect them to want the baby there (you don’t know the reasons why - cost, difficulty ttc, or just don’t like them etc).

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 17/02/2023 03:17

MrsMikeDrop · 17/02/2023 01:30

Given you don't have children at your wedding (neither did I) you understand. Rather than crating extra stress, why don't you juts decline and say you would love to come but since you're BF it would be too hard. This will let the couple decide either way and it creates no conflict for anyone. You can word it in the right way eg " I would love to come, but because I'm BF bla bla bla). I think this is what a good friend should do.

This

Don’t ask if you can bring the baby. You would be putting them in such an awkward position.

custardbear · 17/02/2023 03:30

If they're a close friend and it's fairly local I'd pop out to the ceremony, go home and spend a few hours there and pop back later for an hour or two in the evening. You can leave breast milk if it's required whilst you're out for grandparents to bottle feed if the baby is hungry

JL642 · 17/02/2023 03:52

I have the same issue with a wedding coming up - EBF baby won’t take a bottle. She’ll be 4 months. Only I’m invited. It’s the pits because I really want to celebrate the wedding but can’t leave my baby at home with hubby and until someone had a baby not sure it’s easy for them to understand how demanding BF is and that it’s not as simple as just leaving the baby with the dad! Sorry no real advice just agreeing with you that it’s rubbish possibly not being able to celebrate with your friend!!

JL642 · 17/02/2023 03:54

PS I’ve said I can likely only attend ceremony due to BF. Haven’t asked for baby to attend and I personally wouldn’t as a) she is so loud! And b) I don’t want my beautiful little baby to take any attention away from the bride as it’s her day.

gazpachosoupday · 17/02/2023 04:00

I had three weddings when DS was breastfeeding, 2 said yes one said no.

I underestimated how much it hurt not to breastfeed, so personally if they say no, I wouldn't go from experience.

BadNomad · 17/02/2023 04:07

I wouldn't ask. If they wanted to make exceptions for breastfed babies I imagine they would have said. I know you want to go, but look at the bit picture here - this is their day. Their wedding. Your presence isn't essential. No one will be heartbroken if you can't go. They're not wrong to not want children at their wedding. They will know there is a chance people won't be able to go because of that. Don't put pressure on them to change their plans.

diddl · 17/02/2023 04:13

If they wanted your baby there wouldn't they have invited him?

ComfortablyDazed · 17/02/2023 04:20

I was in exactly your position, @Lavender14 - invited to a child-free wedding when EBF DD was going to be 5 months old.

You don’t ask if you can bring your child, that’s not OK.

I called my friend, the groom up - and told him I’d love to be there to share their special day, but unfortunately it would just be DH going. I had to regretfully decline, as I was unable to leave DD for that period (it was out of town, so no-one to babysit, even if I did bring her with).

He was disappointed and we ended the call.

Less than half an hour later, he called back to say he’d discussed it with B2B, and given she was a babe in arms, and it otherwise meant I couldn’t come, it was absolutely fine for me to bring her.

I gratefully accepted.

I would have understood if they hadn’t changed their minds - it was their wedding, and their decision about attendees. But I wasn’t able to accept and go, if they genuinely meant no children.

As I say, don’t ask if you can bring your child. It’s not OK to do that.

Chickenkeev · 17/02/2023 04:30

They said no. That's it. Up to you to figure out the babs. The joys of motherhood etc. And your husband.

PurplePetalPip · 17/02/2023 05:00

I was in this exact position. The couple had originally said they'd make an exception for me when I was pregnant but then when the invitations came out I messaged to clarify if I was still ok to bring DS and they said no as there were lots of other friends in the same position and they couldn't accommodate them all.

It's completely their choice but I then had no choice but to turn down the invitation. It just wouldn't have worked and I'd have been anxious leaving DS.

Ragwort · 17/02/2023 05:04

Just gracefully decline, as a PP says, it's their day ... you put the couple in an awkward position by asking or even declining 'due to breastfeeding' ... and it's not just the actual breast feeding .. how will you keep the baby entertained quietly during what is quite often a very long and tedious day and evening?

CjCreggs · 17/02/2023 05:07

He's 5 months not a tiny new born. He'll be awake and need entertaining. Parents never take babies out of the ceremony early enough they always think 'oh they'll stop fussing in a minute' given you didn't have babies at your wedding not sure you can be all sanctimonious about your baby attending someone else's

RebeccaCloud9 · 17/02/2023 05:18

'babes in arms' is a pretty standard exception to the no child rule, but you should ask.

I got a child free wedding invitation when I was early on in Pg, I messaged the bride (an old friend) straight away and explained that I would have a 6 week old baby who I wouldn't be able to leave (wedding was a long way away from home). I said that it was entirely up to her and is totally understand if not, but that I'd have to decline the invitation if not. She was completely fine about me bringing the baby, and there was another baby there too on the day. My son was good as gold on the day and it was a really lovely wedding.

DifferenceEngines · 17/02/2023 05:26

Ragwort · 17/02/2023 05:04

Just gracefully decline, as a PP says, it's their day ... you put the couple in an awkward position by asking or even declining 'due to breastfeeding' ... and it's not just the actual breast feeding .. how will you keep the baby entertained quietly during what is quite often a very long and tedious day and evening?

Why does a baby need to be quiet, except for the ceremony/speeches? Weddings are generally bloody noisy. Yeah, if the baby is screaming, take it elsewhere, but I personally would take a few baby noises over drunk uncle Bob. I think OP had a point: we exclude kids from society unnecessarily, and this makes things much harder for mothers, when it doesn't have to be.

DifferenceEngines · 17/02/2023 05:29

DoneWithHer · 17/02/2023 02:36

Presumably at 5 months his wake windows are a bit stretched out at this stage (not like newborn when it's almost eat and sleep). Have you thought about how you will entertain him and mind him around feeds? Sleeping situations in a loud room?
Just throwing these out there for yourself to consider if that's something you want to contend with for the day too.
No harm in asking either way ☺️

It depends on the baby. I took my 5 month old to my sister's wedding. He spent most of the time in a pretty wrap. A lot of second borns will sleep anywhere.

Busybutbored · 17/02/2023 05:34

Ragwort · 17/02/2023 05:04

Just gracefully decline, as a PP says, it's their day ... you put the couple in an awkward position by asking or even declining 'due to breastfeeding' ... and it's not just the actual breast feeding .. how will you keep the baby entertained quietly during what is quite often a very long and tedious day and evening?

This 💯

MrsMikeDrop · 17/02/2023 05:42

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 01:43

I have no interest in making a big issue, but I do think it's sad that because you have to feed your child you then have to miss out on other bits of life that are also important. I'd really like to see my friends get married and support them by being there but I have no wish to inconvenience them or anyone else.

I do think that attitude kind of isolates bf mothers further than ff mothers and contributes to bf rates being very low here and contributes negatively towards maternal mental health. It's kind of like the cupboard scenario mentioned earlier, if I thought I'd spend more time in the stationary cupboard than at the table then I may as well be at home alone. Again. This is why people who have children sometimes struggle to maintain friendships especially with child free people who maybe don't fully understand why you'd need to bring your kid with you until they get to a certain age (and believe me after that point I'm more than happy to leave them for the night and get reacquainted with tequila!) But again that's a bigger issue for another thread and not the issue here!

Show quote history

I don't think low BF rates are due to people's weddings. I EBF for 18 months (plan was to also pump but my baby didnt like the bottle) and would have no issue if I couldn't make it to a wedding due to this. As much as I tried I couldn't easily BF in public (not gracefully ha ha), no mental health issues due to BF here. I had a child free wedding and wondered if when I had a child myself I would've changed my mind, I didn't. Don't be overly dramatic. I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you - not because being a mum is easy, it isn't. But let's not make such a big thing if we miss out on a wedding, I assumed as I would hope most would that when I had a baby it would mean I would miss out on things in the first few years.

Nicecow · 17/02/2023 05:50

CjCreggs · 17/02/2023 05:07

He's 5 months not a tiny new born. He'll be awake and need entertaining. Parents never take babies out of the ceremony early enough they always think 'oh they'll stop fussing in a minute' given you didn't have babies at your wedding not sure you can be all sanctimonious about your baby attending someone else's

This! A 5 months is not a newborn who will just sleep.
I cannot believe you had a child free wedding, and now expect to go to one with your child. Wow OP, that is some serious entitlement. Feeling embarrassed for you! 😳