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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfed babies at weddings?

236 replies

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:07

Dh and I have been invited to a full day wedding of friends which we'd really love to go to. Problem is I'm ebf and ds will have only just turned 5 months old by then so I'm not sure how to manage a full day away from him. He will take a bottle but only VERY rarely and definitely prefers feeding from breast (he's better with wind etc when not feeding from bottle too as he has a slight tongue tie - feeding has been a challenge so im hesitant about messing with it). I also have a big oversupply so worried about the impact of not being able to feed him for a full day, I'm not sure how much of the day I'd have to miss pumping and as there's no accommodation at the venue (I've been there before) I'm not sure where I could do that other than a toilet cubicle which isn't ideal. I also find i don't get anywhere near as good a letdown when I pump compared to feeding so worried about mastitis.

When I got married we didn't have any children at our wedding. So I fully understand why people don't want babies at a wedding when they've paid for videographer etc and they're taking a seat at the table and space is precious. However we did make an exception for any breastfed babies as I had a number of friends bf at the time who wouldn't have felt able to come otherwise.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the couple if they'd allow a breastfed baby? It's not in a hotel where a grandparent could have baby nearby etc or I'd have arranged that and just nipped out to feed. If they decline (which is their choice - its their wedding) is my other option to decline the invite or what alternative would you suggest?

First time parent so just trying to plan ahead!

OP posts:
MelaniesFlowers · 17/02/2023 20:05

IWonderWhyIBother · 17/02/2023 18:08

I’m not suggesting that they detract from medical advice but reading…

Milk is a baby’s main source of nutrition until 1, whether formula or breastfed, so milk feeds should never be replaced before then.

So no, they cannot go a whole day without breast/formula.

…did make me chuckle how much the guidance has changed. Until the beginning of the 2000s we started weaning at 16 weeks, my DD had her first bit of baby rice at 14 weeks and DS 12 weeks.

Show quote history

The reason we don’t wean at 4 months anymore (and why it should never be done unless under the strict guidance is a paediatrician) is because it can cause long term digestive issues like IBS and Crohn’s.

MelaniesFlowers · 17/02/2023 20:06

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 19:56

Guess I'm thinking of those mums who go back to work so can't feed and under 9/12mths

Their babies have an am feed. Then don't feed daytime and maybe not till 7/8pm so go 12hrs with no milk if won't take via bottle cio etc

So just curious those brides who are happy to have babe in arms - what age do they limit and say no

Baby stays at home as actually a toddler

Does that make sense

No they don’t. Those babies would need expressed breast milk or formula if under 12 months.

They don’t just skip milk feeds.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 20:16

Getting off topic but I know many babies in nursery who flatly refuse milk via any other forms all day - but are weaned

But obv have huge feeds am and pm off mum

As I said I was just curious what age brides who say no kids but then allow bf babies - what age they allow to come ?

Calphurnia88 · 17/02/2023 20:18

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 20:16

Getting off topic but I know many babies in nursery who flatly refuse milk via any other forms all day - but are weaned

But obv have huge feeds am and pm off mum

As I said I was just curious what age brides who say no kids but then allow bf babies - what age they allow to come ?

I imagine this is on a case by case basis rather than a blanket rule for all.

DoneWithHer · 17/02/2023 20:40

@Catcharolo In my mind:black tie balls, gigs, Saturday nights in the pub, dinner parties: adults only.
Weddings, christenings, bbqs..big fun family events.

In my mind, the weddings I've been to are more along the lines of gigs, pub scene, black tie balls, not family Bbq vibes at all. People drinking from around 3pm, a big sit down formal dinner, followed by a loud band and a DJ by which stage the dance floor is full of drunk people. What part of that is suitable for a child? It's not being precious at all!

Boymum1005 · 18/02/2023 07:06

If they’re close friends, I would totally explain the above.

I also have a 5mo and also EBF - his needs far outweigh the wants of friends. I think it’s hard for people to empathise unless they have EBF themselves. ALL of my friends FF and some were leaving baby overnight by 8 weeks and struggled to understand why I wouldn’t/couldn’t leave DS. As you say, it’s not just pumping enough for him to drink, it’s keeping up with pumping while you’re away from them to maintain supply etc. it’s a lot of planning.

What matters to YOU is that DS is fed and content, and that you’re not engorged and sore. I’ve expressed a few times to go out for evening drinks, it’s nice to get “you time” but not always worth it.

If baby can’t go and you have someone you trust locally, could you leave baby for 1-2 hours to attend the evening reception and head back home in time for the next feed?

fitzwilliamdarcy · 18/02/2023 10:37

Catcharolo · 17/02/2023 19:47

😂 You sound very severe about this!

Its always worth thinking about things from your guests perspective and not just your own. They aren’t trying to ‘disrespect’ you. They just really want to attend your special day as they are your friend and don’t want to starve their newborn. And I would say forcing your friends to choose between feeding their baby and celebrating the wedding of one of their close friends isn’t a mark of respect and great friendship either. I’d feel very uncomfortable banning breastfed/newborn babies as ultimately, it is in effect, banning mothers who have recently given birth. And I assume you wouldn’t want to do this really.

Lastly, if you do get married, and you’re having a lovely day, your friends and family are there, the champagne is flowing, you are dancing with the love of your life..and out of the corner of your eye you catch sight of..a BANNED BABY.. I don’t think your first thought will be to evict the parent and baby and end your friendship, I really don’t.

Show quote history

I am severe about this for various personal reasons. Luckily I have friends who understand me and wouldn’t ignore my wishes, and call me disrespectful for not prioritising their baby over my wedding.

But then the friends I have who are close enough to be invited to my wedding either don’t have kids, or aren’t self-centred enough to think that their maternal status is the only thing that matters. Horses for courses I guess.

toastofthetown · 18/02/2023 11:19

JL642 · 17/02/2023 03:54

PS I’ve said I can likely only attend ceremony due to BF. Haven’t asked for baby to attend and I personally wouldn’t as a) she is so loud! And b) I don’t want my beautiful little baby to take any attention away from the bride as it’s her day.

We had three babies at our wedding and they certainly didn't dominate the day. I've never found a baby so distracting at a wedding that I've forgotten that the ceremony isn't about them. Maybe the babies of my family and friends are just frightfully ugly though.

DelCalMun · 18/02/2023 11:19

Some brides would make an exception for bf babies. You may not be the only one. At our wedding, babies were left in the church hall next door with a babysitter. Children were not invited. We had the same arrangement at the reception, in a side room, so parents could enjoy the party and slip out when required. Maybe ask if a similar arrangement could be done here? We paid the babysitter but you could share the cost with anyone else in the same situation? Agreed, boring for Grandparents to do it since the baby needs to be near you for feeding.

2ndTimeRound90 · 18/02/2023 14:03

We recently attended a full day wedding of DHs work colleague and at the time had a 7 month old and a toddler. The save the date was received before the baby was born. When we got the formal invite we did actually check if the 7 month old could attend as he was ebf. My husband could still have gone without us but if baby couldn't go then I wouldn't have gone. The bride and groom weren't bothered at all and said of course he could come. Toddler stayed with my parents, a friend at the wedding offered her hotel room for feeds (my dress wasn't bf friendly and baby is a distractible feeder!!) and I took him straight out of the ceremony when he started getting a bit wriggly and vocal. Their wedding wasn't child free, but I suspect that it was only really family whose kids were specifically invited. No harm in asking, I didn't feel like it was rude to check! When I was getting married guests contacted me with questions about all sorts of things, e.g. meal queries, accommodation/transport queries, so I wouldn't have thought anything of someone checking about their invite.

RebeccaCloud9 · 19/02/2023 04:53

@fitzwilliamdarcy But then the friends I have who are close enough to be invited to my wedding either don’t have kids, or aren’t self-centred enough to think that their maternal status is the only thing that matters. Horses for courses I guess.

I'm not objecting to you wanting a totally child free wedding with this comment - obviously that is your choice and important to you. But wow, women who need to take tiny, breastfed babies with them aren't doing it because they are 'so self centred they think their maternal status is the only important thing'. You just can't leave an ebf baby for very long. I think they're not the self centred ones in your scenario.

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