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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfed babies at weddings?

236 replies

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:07

Dh and I have been invited to a full day wedding of friends which we'd really love to go to. Problem is I'm ebf and ds will have only just turned 5 months old by then so I'm not sure how to manage a full day away from him. He will take a bottle but only VERY rarely and definitely prefers feeding from breast (he's better with wind etc when not feeding from bottle too as he has a slight tongue tie - feeding has been a challenge so im hesitant about messing with it). I also have a big oversupply so worried about the impact of not being able to feed him for a full day, I'm not sure how much of the day I'd have to miss pumping and as there's no accommodation at the venue (I've been there before) I'm not sure where I could do that other than a toilet cubicle which isn't ideal. I also find i don't get anywhere near as good a letdown when I pump compared to feeding so worried about mastitis.

When I got married we didn't have any children at our wedding. So I fully understand why people don't want babies at a wedding when they've paid for videographer etc and they're taking a seat at the table and space is precious. However we did make an exception for any breastfed babies as I had a number of friends bf at the time who wouldn't have felt able to come otherwise.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the couple if they'd allow a breastfed baby? It's not in a hotel where a grandparent could have baby nearby etc or I'd have arranged that and just nipped out to feed. If they decline (which is their choice - its their wedding) is my other option to decline the invite or what alternative would you suggest?

First time parent so just trying to plan ahead!

OP posts:
IWonderWhyIBother · 17/02/2023 07:21

DifferenceEngines · 17/02/2023 07:17

That's what I said?

Show quote history

Apologies, trying to do too many things at once. Didn’t read it properly 🫣

pieceofpasta · 17/02/2023 07:22

I think most people would make an exception for a bf baby.

gogohmm · 17/02/2023 07:26

I had 5 babies under a year at my wedding including 2 newborns (under a month) they were far better behaved than exh's young adult cousins! I do not understand why people think it's appropriate to get their guests to find a sitter, if you want their presence (and that if their partner the kids come too in my book, only exception being work colleagues where I think not inviting partners if more acceptable

ZekeZeke · 17/02/2023 07:26

5 month old don't fuss they roar.

How old is your baby right now?

Big difference between a newborn and a 5 month

DNBU · 17/02/2023 07:28

I would phone the bride/whoever you’re closest too. Explain you’d love to come but you have to decline as it is because you can’t leave your DC at this point, as he’s EBF so it’s difficult for you and him (don’t know if you’ve ever had mastitis!!?).

Then they can decide what action to take with that. But be prepared for them to just accept you declining the invite.

Breastfeeding at the wedding - You shouldn’t have to hide away OP - i see women bfeeding in public more and more these days, and was also one of those women (so maybe that’s the only reason I notice!)

Optionally · 17/02/2023 07:29

How on earth is it rude to ask the question? If they feel that’s too much pressure then that’s their own issue - any adult should be able to say ‘no that doesn’t work’ in relation to an event they’re running.

Personally, I think a breastfeeding mum
and baby come as a pair, and this should
be recognised. But I appreciate that many people disagree, and that’s up to them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 07:38

You don't ask

You simply decline saying thanks but
Can't come as I'm bf and baby is too young to be left

And yes babes in arms do count as numbers for fire /space in many venues

First wedding I had no children

Second family children only - due to numbers and space and cost

WonderingWanda · 17/02/2023 07:39

I went to a wedding when I was breastfeeding, my baby was younger than yours but it was a real pain. When it was time for drinks everyone was stood up mingling and I was sat feeding, no one came over to talk to me. When it was time for the speeches my baby was fussy so I had to go outside. When it was the meal he was fussy so I didn't really eat. Then by the evening when the music began it was too loud for him so I left. You will have a much more enjoyable day without your baby there op. Same for small children by the way, you end up missing most of the good stuff because they need a wee or have spilt their drink etc. I love my kids but kid free weddings are much more fun.

Lcb123 · 17/02/2023 07:41

I assume the invite actually said child free as you didn’t say that? If it didn’t say child free just take baby along and enjoy! Otherwise just ask - we only had babies at ours as I appreciate it’s harder to leave them and also they were free to have there (no seat or food).

Nosleepforthismum · 17/02/2023 07:43

Well, a five month old is tricky because I’d argue they are no longer a sleepy babe in arms (mine certainly wasn’t!) and will require entertaining for when they are awake. There will also a space issue with his pram if it’s only a small venue. My DS was formula fed and went to three weddings before the age of 1 and man, he was bloody hard work at each. Every single time I missed the actual marriage vows due to him fussing, having a poo explosion (that was at my own wedding that my poor mum missed our vows 😅) or just trying out screams while looking impressed with the high ceilings in the church.

The last wedding we went to, we were definitely going to leave him at home but B&G insisted as it was a child friendly wedding and my DH was best man but we arranged to get my mum to pick him up from the venue at 5 to take him home to bed so we only had three hours of him there which probably worked out the best and I just left a little earlier to pick him up. Maybe something like that could work for you if B&G are agreeable? I don’t think it’s an issue to ask but be gracious and understanding if they say no.

Summerfun54321 · 17/02/2023 07:46

Go for ceremony and meal with the baby and be prepared for your partner to be walking around outside with them in a pram for pretty much all of it. It's a really tricky age to take a baby to a wedding and you won't enjoy yourself at all if they're away from you for the first time and you're constantly worried about boob leaks.

DNBU · 17/02/2023 07:47

Sugarfree23 · 17/02/2023 00:15

@ACynicalDad babies off all ages do count towards numbers, they won't incur a cost but they count towards capacity for fire regulations.

Not true!

Hornicorn · 17/02/2023 07:47

I was bridesmaid for my friend when my EBF baby was 5 months and she didn’t invite the baby. DD wouldn’t take a bottle either so I paid for my parents to stay in a nearby cottage for the night and they brought DD to the venue twice throughout the day and I fed her in the car. Not ideal at all, but DD still got fed and I didn’t have to mess around with pumping etc

quietnightmare · 17/02/2023 07:50

Ask. I did what you did and any breastfed babies were welcome. There was 5 in total and didn't hear a peep nor would I have cared

x2boys · 17/02/2023 07:50

madamovaries · 17/02/2023 01:20

I hope they would make an exception for babies. We couldn't accommodate children (bar immediate family) at our wedding due to number restraints, but made an exception for babies - which I think is the norm. I didn't know quite how important that was until I had a baby and breastfed him.

I would never expect a mother to leave their baby, let alone one who is breastfeeding. I wouldn't go if they say no, frankly

One small breast Fed baby might not be an issue ,but when I had my babies a lot of friends and family members of a similar age were also.having babies ,there maybe more than one breast feeding guests at the wedding
TurnIp can ask but. Has to be prepared to be declined

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/02/2023 07:50

Optionally · 17/02/2023 07:29

How on earth is it rude to ask the question? If they feel that’s too much pressure then that’s their own issue - any adult should be able to say ‘no that doesn’t work’ in relation to an event they’re running.

Personally, I think a breastfeeding mum
and baby come as a pair, and this should
be recognised. But I appreciate that many people disagree, and that’s up to them.

Because it's always rude to put people on the spot solely for one's own benefit.

If they wanted the baby there, they would have said so.

iCouldSleepForAYear · 17/02/2023 07:51

I took my DD to a wedding when she was EBF. Couldn't get a babysitter, as my in-laws were also wedding guests. DH one of the wedding party. It wasn't an issue. I borrowed a nice formal dress that I could easily BF in and wash later. Nipped out with her quickly the second she started to fuss and found a quiet place to feed her (had a nice chat with a lady in her 80s too, who was very supportive of BF). I kept DD in a sling during most of the reception.

TBH, I would have fed DD right there in the church if my MIL would've been more comfortable with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Would've caused less of a stir compared to getting up, squeezing past people, and exiting the church. So it goes.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/02/2023 07:54

Norriscolesbag · 17/02/2023 07:02

And if I’m being honest, this sort of thing is part of the limitations of breastfeeding- you know this when you sign up for it. For some reason people refuse to acknowledge this is a limitation and almost become offended at the thought. The reality is if they won’t take a bottle at all then they have to go everywhere with you and sometimes that means you miss out.

Exactly. The choice to breastfeed is about more than just what form of nutrition the baby gets; it's a lifestyle choice with tradeoffs like any other. It's not a free pass to evade good manners.

RosaBonheur · 17/02/2023 07:58

I wouldn't stress about this OP. You can't be away from your young breastfed baby for a whole day. It just won't work for you or for him.

So call the bride/groom and explain the situation, just say, "I fully understand you are having a child free wedding but was wondering whether that includes babes in arms. Mine is still exclusively breastfed and I can't be away from him for a full day, would it be OK if I bring him? If not, no worries, have a lovely wedding and we will celebrate with you some other time."

Blablablablaba · 17/02/2023 07:59

Yes ask them. If they say no then decline the invite and then they know why.

BannMan · 17/02/2023 08:00

Assuming the invite said child free wedding then I would just decline the invitation OP, stating you can't leave baby all day.
5 months old is not a young baby, he will be awake quite a bit if the day and need entertaining. You or DP could be up and down with him all day. Other people may end up involved too in helping you entertain him and I suspect the couple probably don't want this. Taking a 6 week old who slept in pram in corner would be completely different.

Redebs · 17/02/2023 08:02

Have they said no children?
If so, then I'd give it a miss and stay away.

Otherwise, a breastfeeding baby isn't going to be a problem for anyone. Pick a nice shawl that you could keep on hand to drape over one shoulder while you feed, or choose stretchy separates and pop baby up under your top.

So much easier to feed directly than to mess around with chilling bottles, steriliser, pump etc. You need kitchen facilities for those and there's so much hassle.

Most people there won't even know when you're breastfeeding and you won't have to juggle a crying baby waiting for a bottle.

Also, don't risk mastitis or reducing your supply. It's just not worth it.

Dinkeigh · 17/02/2023 08:10

I think you're putting them in an awkward position by asking. I wouldn't ask, they've said no kids for a reason. I'd decline and say I can't make it work as he's ebf and see what they say. That's a polite way of indirectly asking and the choice is theirs then.

Kranke · 17/02/2023 08:11

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 01:43

I have no interest in making a big issue, but I do think it's sad that because you have to feed your child you then have to miss out on other bits of life that are also important. I'd really like to see my friends get married and support them by being there but I have no wish to inconvenience them or anyone else.

I do think that attitude kind of isolates bf mothers further than ff mothers and contributes to bf rates being very low here and contributes negatively towards maternal mental health. It's kind of like the cupboard scenario mentioned earlier, if I thought I'd spend more time in the stationary cupboard than at the table then I may as well be at home alone. Again. This is why people who have children sometimes struggle to maintain friendships especially with child free people who maybe don't fully understand why you'd need to bring your kid with you until they get to a certain age (and believe me after that point I'm more than happy to leave them for the night and get reacquainted with tequila!) But again that's a bigger issue for another thread and not the issue here!

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s just bf mothers, I know a lot of ff mums who wouldn’t have liked to leave their baby either. I don’t think we should be discriminating against how a baby is fed and if they’re allowed to a wedding - i.e. your baby can only come if it’s bf! We were invited to a childfree wedding, myself and another friend who was invited both had young babies and didn’t attend. I bf and the friend was ff, I’d hate to think that only I would have been allowed to bring my baby and my friend couldn’t as she was unable to bf. We were both invited to another wedding a few months later where babes in arms were invited explicitly on the invite.

Having children means you need to sacrifice things on occasion. I don’t think it’s fair to bring babies to a wedding where the couple don’t want any children, whatever the reason. Children are the love of your life - they’re not the love of others!!

Redebs · 17/02/2023 08:13

Norriscolesbag · 17/02/2023 07:02

And if I’m being honest, this sort of thing is part of the limitations of breastfeeding- you know this when you sign up for it. For some reason people refuse to acknowledge this is a limitation and almost become offended at the thought. The reality is if they won’t take a bottle at all then they have to go everywhere with you and sometimes that means you miss out.

That's totally ridiculous. There's no place you can't take a breastfed baby that you could take a bottle-fed one to.
It's 100 times easier to have perfect, instant, warm, clean feeds ready up your jumper at a moments notice, than to have to carry boiling water, powder and bottles while keeping them all spotlessly clean, while you juggle a crying baby, waiting for the bottle to cool.

All you need with a breastfed baby is a nappy and a pack of wipes and you can go anywhere. Ultimate convenience!