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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfed babies at weddings?

236 replies

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:07

Dh and I have been invited to a full day wedding of friends which we'd really love to go to. Problem is I'm ebf and ds will have only just turned 5 months old by then so I'm not sure how to manage a full day away from him. He will take a bottle but only VERY rarely and definitely prefers feeding from breast (he's better with wind etc when not feeding from bottle too as he has a slight tongue tie - feeding has been a challenge so im hesitant about messing with it). I also have a big oversupply so worried about the impact of not being able to feed him for a full day, I'm not sure how much of the day I'd have to miss pumping and as there's no accommodation at the venue (I've been there before) I'm not sure where I could do that other than a toilet cubicle which isn't ideal. I also find i don't get anywhere near as good a letdown when I pump compared to feeding so worried about mastitis.

When I got married we didn't have any children at our wedding. So I fully understand why people don't want babies at a wedding when they've paid for videographer etc and they're taking a seat at the table and space is precious. However we did make an exception for any breastfed babies as I had a number of friends bf at the time who wouldn't have felt able to come otherwise.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the couple if they'd allow a breastfed baby? It's not in a hotel where a grandparent could have baby nearby etc or I'd have arranged that and just nipped out to feed. If they decline (which is their choice - its their wedding) is my other option to decline the invite or what alternative would you suggest?

First time parent so just trying to plan ahead!

OP posts:
EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 17/02/2023 14:30

First up - I did not have a child free wedding, and was happy to have children present.

Having said that I wouldn't have minded people asking reasonable questions, and clarifying whether no children means none at all or if there is an exception for small babies seems a reasonable question to me - and I think just asking is better than 'I can't make it because baby is however old and I'm EBF' which feels like they're probably angling for a reply of 'oh, of course you can come, we didn't mean no babies'. When planning a wedding and sending out invites you're generally not considering individual circumstances outside of, perhaps, close family and friends.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 14:48

Out of curiosity what is the age limit for bf babies

Once they start weaning - crawling - walking - over 1 etc

crocusfocus · 17/02/2023 15:03

I actually agreed for small babies to be at mine. One cried throughout the vows and I regret allowing it

Ragwort · 17/02/2023 15:50

Maybe it's my age but I don't understand why people get so anxious and embarrassed about (politely) turning down a wedding invitation. Hosts always assume that not everyone is able to accept an invitation so have probably budgeted for a few 'no thanks you's'. Do people really get upset if someone politely sends their 'regrets'?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2023 16:17

I think just asking is better than 'I can't make it because baby is however old and I'm EBF' which feels like they're probably angling for a reply of 'oh, of course you can come, we didn't mean no babies'

I'm not sure there's much difference myself; realistically, if the B&G say "It means babies too", guests may still (reasonably) say "I can't make it because baby's EBF" so it's all kind of back where it started

As said I'd just politely decline with a nice message about catching up later - if the couple are desperate to have them there it's then up to them as hosts to take the initiative

WorryMcGee · 17/02/2023 16:21

I went to a child-free wedding with my 4 week old. I asked my friend and she made an exception as she really wanted me there. I made it clear I wouldn’t be upset if she said no - and I really wouldn’t have been offended, it’s not my day. Baby slept most of it, there was a bit of grizzling during speeches but DH made a swift exit with her as we were deliberately sat by doors at all times. It was actually really nice and we have some lovely photos too ❤️

Calphurnia88 · 17/02/2023 16:24

SpideyCraw · 17/02/2023 12:43

Do neither of you think a very young FF formula fed baby is dependent on its mother? That just because the baby can be fed, he or she can be easily left all day by the mother?

The hospital thing is different because the hospital is not preventing a formula feeding mother doing the other aspects of caring for a baby. The only difference is entirely in respect of nutrition, but the hospital otherwise treats them the same. Not so with weddings. The formula fed mother would have to be separated from the baby to attend the wedding. I don’t agree that is easy to do with a young baby just because they take a bottle. Hospitals don’t refuse access to formula fed babies on the basis they can be fed with a bottle because they recognise that parenting is more than just feeding.

Show quote history

A hypothetical FF baby potentially has more options than a known EBF who will rarely take a bottle.

But this isn't a BF vs. FF discussion, OP is asking about her specific situation that is preventing her from attending a full day wedding.

Calphurnia88 · 17/02/2023 16:27

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 14:48

Out of curiosity what is the age limit for bf babies

Once they start weaning - crawling - walking - over 1 etc

Presumably once weaning is well established i.e. baby is on 3 meals a day plus snacks and will drink water from a cup.

Mobility levels won't make much of a difference if baby is still getting the majority of their calories from milk.

musicalgymball · 17/02/2023 16:28

Lots of couples will make an exception on the no child rule for babies. Sometimes it's the venues licensing that rules out children, sometimes a worry that they'll break things or maybe just change the vibe. Either way a baby is under the parents control since it can't walk around and so often doesn't really have the same effect that bringing a child who can run around and speak would.

5128gap · 17/02/2023 16:33

Personally I wouldn't ask. It will be awkward. They've already said children aren't invited, and so either they will have to respond with another no, which would be embarrassing all round, or agree against their wishes.
Just explain you'll need to decline and why. If they then want to make an exception they'll offer.

rothbury · 17/02/2023 16:37

Honestly OP, don’t ask if you can take baby, it’s going to cause embarrassment.

I have taken EBF babies to weddings, but there were lots of babies there and they were welcomed. If I had been invited to a no kids wedding whilst EBF I would’ve politely declined.

If the bride or groom are arsey about it, THEY are the ones being unreasonable. Not you.

niugboo · 17/02/2023 17:20

i breast fed and had a child free wedding. Our policy was babes in arms could come. regardless of how they’re fed. I’ve said YABU because if they were going to make the allowance they would have. You just say why you’re not going to make it. Which also allows them to offer a solution.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 17:20

@Calphurnia88 sorry I meant for weddings and bf babies

Are they not termed at that at 9mths as should be fully weaned so can survive a day without boob All day

Or over 1

Babes in arms - so that they are not crawling /walking

niugboo · 17/02/2023 17:21

Asking if you can makes it awkward for the bride and groom. It’s really not ok.

Calphurnia88 · 17/02/2023 17:24

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 17:20

@Calphurnia88 sorry I meant for weddings and bf babies

Are they not termed at that at 9mths as should be fully weaned so can survive a day without boob All day

Or over 1

Babes in arms - so that they are not crawling /walking

My original answer still applies.

Babies take to solids at different ages. My baby (10mo) was EBF but is now on 3 meals a day, plus snacks and will happily drink water from a sippy cup. I have friends with babies of a similar age who have little interest in solids and are still getting the majority of their calories from milk.

MelaniesFlowers · 17/02/2023 17:33

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 17:20

@Calphurnia88 sorry I meant for weddings and bf babies

Are they not termed at that at 9mths as should be fully weaned so can survive a day without boob All day

Or over 1

Babes in arms - so that they are not crawling /walking

Fully weaned at 9 months?! 😂 Nope!

Milk is a baby’s main source of nutrition until 1, whether formula or breastfed, so milk feeds should never be replaced before then.

So no, they cannot go a whole day without breast/formula.

LlynTegid · 17/02/2023 17:43

Ask, I hope that they agree, and to me reasonable to have a small baby who is breastfeeding and exclude older children.

Caspianberg · 17/02/2023 17:46

@Blondeshavemorefun - my Ds was only being breastfed and hadn’t started solids at 4.5 months when he started crawling. He was walking by 8 months and still barely ate any food. I tried bottle, but he refused. But would you really count a 5/6/7 month baby as not a baby in arms as crawling and walking around furniture already?

StanleyBriggs · 17/02/2023 17:46

Just decline and specify that it's because your baby is breastfed so you can't leave him. If they want you to come they can reply making an exception. There's no polite way of asking, you know it's a child free wedding.

The other option is just the dad goes, but if it's your friend rather than your husband's that would make no sense.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 18:06

Caspianberg · 17/02/2023 17:46

@Blondeshavemorefun - my Ds was only being breastfed and hadn’t started solids at 4.5 months when he started crawling. He was walking by 8 months and still barely ate any food. I tried bottle, but he refused. But would you really count a 5/6/7 month baby as not a baby in arms as crawling and walking around furniture already?

I don't know

Hence why I asked what was the age limit for babe in arms /ebf babies

IWonderWhyIBother · 17/02/2023 18:08

MelaniesFlowers · 17/02/2023 17:33

Fully weaned at 9 months?! 😂 Nope!

Milk is a baby’s main source of nutrition until 1, whether formula or breastfed, so milk feeds should never be replaced before then.

So no, they cannot go a whole day without breast/formula.

Show quote history

I’m not suggesting that they detract from medical advice but reading…

Milk is a baby’s main source of nutrition until 1, whether formula or breastfed, so milk feeds should never be replaced before then.

So no, they cannot go a whole day without breast/formula.

…did make me chuckle how much the guidance has changed. Until the beginning of the 2000s we started weaning at 16 weeks, my DD had her first bit of baby rice at 14 weeks and DS 12 weeks.

Caspianberg · 17/02/2023 18:11

@Blondeshavemorefun - in that case, i would probably say ‘baby’ is one under around 15 months. Some might be nearer 12 months. But 10-15 month flexibility according to child.
Some have never been left still ( mine was still under covid no other household restrictions where we lived at 12 months), some take to weaning later or born early and need more time etc..

Rainbowdrops2021 · 17/02/2023 18:19

I bottle fed my first and ebf my second and it is 100% different in this instance, they don’t always take a bottle they are very attached to you in comparison to a bottle fed baby you are literally their source of nutrition. I had to ask to bring my son to a wedding last minute luckily my friend was really understanding and we had done the same for her children a few years earlier because she couldn’t get childcare. I would just ask and if they say no fair enough.

Catcharolo · 17/02/2023 19:47

fitzwilliamdarcy · 17/02/2023 12:26

If I ever get married it’s going to be childfree including babies and if anyone turned up with their baby because they thought my choice was stupid or precious I’d be seriously reconsidering the friendship as clearly they did not respect me.

😂 You sound very severe about this!

Its always worth thinking about things from your guests perspective and not just your own. They aren’t trying to ‘disrespect’ you. They just really want to attend your special day as they are your friend and don’t want to starve their newborn. And I would say forcing your friends to choose between feeding their baby and celebrating the wedding of one of their close friends isn’t a mark of respect and great friendship either. I’d feel very uncomfortable banning breastfed/newborn babies as ultimately, it is in effect, banning mothers who have recently given birth. And I assume you wouldn’t want to do this really.

Lastly, if you do get married, and you’re having a lovely day, your friends and family are there, the champagne is flowing, you are dancing with the love of your life..and out of the corner of your eye you catch sight of..a BANNED BABY.. I don’t think your first thought will be to evict the parent and baby and end your friendship, I really don’t.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2023 19:56

Guess I'm thinking of those mums who go back to work so can't feed and under 9/12mths

Their babies have an am feed. Then don't feed daytime and maybe not till 7/8pm so go 12hrs with no milk if won't take via bottle cio etc

So just curious those brides who are happy to have babe in arms - what age do they limit and say no

Baby stays at home as actually a toddler

Does that make sense

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