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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfed babies at weddings?

236 replies

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:07

Dh and I have been invited to a full day wedding of friends which we'd really love to go to. Problem is I'm ebf and ds will have only just turned 5 months old by then so I'm not sure how to manage a full day away from him. He will take a bottle but only VERY rarely and definitely prefers feeding from breast (he's better with wind etc when not feeding from bottle too as he has a slight tongue tie - feeding has been a challenge so im hesitant about messing with it). I also have a big oversupply so worried about the impact of not being able to feed him for a full day, I'm not sure how much of the day I'd have to miss pumping and as there's no accommodation at the venue (I've been there before) I'm not sure where I could do that other than a toilet cubicle which isn't ideal. I also find i don't get anywhere near as good a letdown when I pump compared to feeding so worried about mastitis.

When I got married we didn't have any children at our wedding. So I fully understand why people don't want babies at a wedding when they've paid for videographer etc and they're taking a seat at the table and space is precious. However we did make an exception for any breastfed babies as I had a number of friends bf at the time who wouldn't have felt able to come otherwise.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the couple if they'd allow a breastfed baby? It's not in a hotel where a grandparent could have baby nearby etc or I'd have arranged that and just nipped out to feed. If they decline (which is their choice - its their wedding) is my other option to decline the invite or what alternative would you suggest?

First time parent so just trying to plan ahead!

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 17/02/2023 00:12

I would ask and if they say no I wouldn't go. No way would I expect a breastfed baby to be inconvenienced for someone's wedding/any social event whatsoever. Don't go and you will avoid causing your baby any stress if they won't accommodate you.

ACynicalDad · 17/02/2023 00:12

Breast fed babies aren’t taking a space I don’t think that’s who they are thinking of when they say no kids. You just sit at the back and discreetly exit if they start crying. Ask but if it’s a problem they are clueless.

Sugarfree23 · 17/02/2023 00:13

No harm in asking.
But that still gives you the issue of where to find a bit of privacy to feed, smart dresses that you'd wear to a wedding aren't usually the most practical to feed in. Although I did find one that worked for me.
I think I'd ask first and as plan B book a hotel nearby if Granny is up for babysitting.

Sugarfree23 · 17/02/2023 00:15

@ACynicalDad babies off all ages do count towards numbers, they won't incur a cost but they count towards capacity for fire regulations.

HoboHotel · 17/02/2023 00:16

Don't stress about it, just decline politely and send them fifty quid and a card.

Vallmo47 · 17/02/2023 00:18

I was in your exact shoes and our friends made an exception for my baby. Absolutely no harm in asking explaining the above. Not unreasonable to decline if they say no- you have good reason. Feeding wise there are many places you can discreetly slip away to feed in my opinion. I would never feed my baby in the toilet but I brought a little thin blanket to cover and really (latching aside), I was able to cover most of boob with my hand/blanket. I’d just find a corner and turn discreetly into wall when latching. People totally understood what I was up to and gave me space - it’s not a problem!
Dress wise I wore a beautiful maxi dress that I was able to just slip down the shoulder and a small cardigan on top that slipped off. All was fine. :)

Original poster
Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:22

Thanks for all the speedy replies! @Sugarfree23 I've got fairly confident feeding now, would do it when I'm out and about in a coffee shop etc and I'd probably just bring a wee cover just incase but I wouldn't ever pump infront of people. And I have an outfit that should be suitable so that would be handy! Grandparents would totally babysit but only issue is the location is out on its own really, there isn't a hotel or much to do etc nearby so we wouldn't be staying over either. I would feel pretty wick making them take a run over to the venue every time he's hungry as well. It would take over their entire day and I'm sure they'd be hoping to take him to actually do something fun. They're not the type of people who do well at being bored!

@ACynicalDad at our wedding they counted the babies as a seat at the table but didn't charge for them so it affected our overall number of guests and seating plan too.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 17/02/2023 00:24

ACynicalDad · 17/02/2023 00:12

Breast fed babies aren’t taking a space I don’t think that’s who they are thinking of when they say no kids. You just sit at the back and discreetly exit if they start crying. Ask but if it’s a problem they are clueless.

…or they just don’t want a baby at their wedding.
I’d have said no to this at my wedding, but wouldn’t have any bad feeling towards the couple who couldn’t attend.

At the end of the day if it’s no kids and they don’t allow a baby, it’s not really a shock

Sparklingbrook · 17/02/2023 00:25

You just sit at the back and discreetly exit if they start crying

Bit difficult to exit discreetly with a baby that’s already crying. 😬

OP I would ask and if it’s a no then don’t go. If it’s a yes try and feed the baby before the important quiet bits. Or during them!

Original poster
Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:33

Sparklingbrook · 17/02/2023 00:25

You just sit at the back and discreetly exit if they start crying

Bit difficult to exit discreetly with a baby that’s already crying. 😬

OP I would ask and if it’s a no then don’t go. If it’s a yes try and feed the baby before the important quiet bits. Or during them!

@Sparklingbrook that's my plan is to pop him on the second he starts fussing and sit near the back anyways just incase. He's a very good baby to be fair and that usually settles him immediately. If I thought he'd be noisy or fussy then I'd just not bring him in for any quiet/important parts, wouldn't be fair to risk it.

OP posts:
MavisMcMinty · 17/02/2023 00:39

If the couple are happy to have you and your breast-feeding baby (I certainly would be), why not phone the venue in advance, and ask if they have anywhere you could BF?

MavisMcMinty · 17/02/2023 00:40

Like an office, or a stationery cupboard, maybe?

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/02/2023 00:44

I think it’s fine to ask, but be prepared for a no. Parents always couch the request to bring a baby with a “he’ll be no trouble at all, we go out all the time and he’s brilliant, he’ll probably sleep all the way through, I can settle him easily if he does wake up, if he does cry I’ll take him straight outside I promise” but the reality is that this is rarely the case and too many parents allow the baby to fuss and whine “because he’ll settle down any moment now I just know it.” We said no to any babies for this reason, the same as saying no to the friends who wanted to bring their dog.

Wetblanket78 · 17/02/2023 00:47

ACynicalDad · 17/02/2023 00:12

Breast fed babies aren’t taking a space I don’t think that’s who they are thinking of when they say no kids. You just sit at the back and discreetly exit if they start crying. Ask but if it’s a problem they are clueless.

My son had a place at a table next to his daddy. Obviously not on a chair. But was in his pram at my brother's wedding. It was all planned weeks before they told me this themselves He was barely two week's I was a bridesmaid.

DifferenceEngines · 17/02/2023 00:47

Why do people keep implying that OP needs to be discrete when breastfeeding? She's already stated that she's pretty confident. I mean, I know that the UK is pretty backwards with breastfeed, but suggesting a stationery cupboard?! Crikey!

MavisMcMinty · 17/02/2023 00:50

I mentioned it because the OP said there was nowhere to take the baby to feed, and while that may be true of no public spaces to breastfeed in, there may be non-public areas the venue could let her use. Not because I think it should be hidden away!

Isthisexpected · 17/02/2023 00:50

DifferenceEngines yep it's no wonder breastfeeding rates are so low in the UK.

MavisMcMinty · 17/02/2023 00:52

And because the stationery cupboards in all my hospitals were vast spaces, cavernous even!

JMSA · 17/02/2023 00:59

Your opening post was really considerate and didn't have an air of entitlement at all, so I'm sure you'll find a lovely way of asking Smile
And ask is what you should do. If they say no - their choice - then at least you'll have tried.
Hope it works out!

Original poster
Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 01:08

MavisMcMinty · 17/02/2023 00:50

I mentioned it because the OP said there was nowhere to take the baby to feed, and while that may be true of no public spaces to breastfeed in, there may be non-public areas the venue could let her use. Not because I think it should be hidden away!

I didn't take it that I needed to go feed in the secret shame cupboard don't worry! I personally think it's actually really good for women to have options so they can be comfortable whatever that looks like to them. And realistically I do feel confident but sometimes all it takes is that one weird old uncle you don't know staring and I may prefer to be elsewhere! Though I think my dh would be all over that before I'd even get the chance. So not a bad idea to know what's there as a backup! Would make the venue think about what they actually provide too.

OP posts:
madamovaries · 17/02/2023 01:20

I hope they would make an exception for babies. We couldn't accommodate children (bar immediate family) at our wedding due to number restraints, but made an exception for babies - which I think is the norm. I didn't know quite how important that was until I had a baby and breastfed him.

I would never expect a mother to leave their baby, let alone one who is breastfeeding. I wouldn't go if they say no, frankly

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/02/2023 01:24

We can't have it all. Out of consideration, for the bridal couple and other guests, it would be best to decline. Invite them weeks later to have dinner & look at their photos.

MrsMikeDrop · 17/02/2023 01:30

Given you don't have children at your wedding (neither did I) you understand. Rather than crating extra stress, why don't you juts decline and say you would love to come but since you're BF it would be too hard. This will let the couple decide either way and it creates no conflict for anyone. You can word it in the right way eg " I would love to come, but because I'm BF bla bla bla). I think this is what a good friend should do.

mondaytosunday · 17/02/2023 01:31

Ask, and be prepared to leave early. If they say no, then perhaps just go for part of the day - the ceremony for example.
I had a child free wedding, and it went from mid afternoon til midnight. None of my friends had babies, but I don't see how they could have come for more than just the ceremony if they did, and think it would be easier for them not to come at all.

DifferenceEngines · 17/02/2023 01:31

Sorry, that was quite a response from me. I agree that women should have safe spaces to feed. I just HATE that it's the one "weird old uncle" who gets (indirectly) to dictate where babies get fed. Anyway, OP, I will stop derailing your very reasonable thread.